help with almost 15 & almost 13 year old

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
help with almost 15 & almost 13 year old
7
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 7:07am
Hello-

We recently moved states. We bought a new house. Our boys have always shared rooms. We finished our downstairs and put in an extra large bedroom/walk in closet and bathroom. Now my oldest son, 15 in June, doesn't want to share rooms with our 12, 13 in August, son.

Our middle guy has always had some emotional issues. Our oldest is sensitive and sweet. Our middle guy is sensitive, but really more so to himself. He has always had sleep issues and I think in general is not as easy going as my oldest son. He holds a grudge forever and has a sharp tongue that he lashes out with when he perceives that someone has done something wrong against him.

They have been sharing the room. But they have been having quarrels about things, like normal brothers do. However, my oldest has said things like "when I'm 16 your so out of this room..." which makes my middle guy worry about it and hurts him. Then my middle guy replys "I hate your guts and your fat." Which hurts my oldest guys feelings.

I couldn't take all the fighting and meaness. My husband has openly said to the boys he thinks my oldest son should have first rights to the room. My middle son says this is unfair. I told my middle guy that he is moving to our guest room and we will fix it up like he wants. He has been behaving strangely since I said it four days ago. Like we have all ganged up on him, like he has lost his best friend, like he is depressed. He is sleeping in the guestroom. He says he is moving his stuff there and there's nothing we can do to change his mind. However I know this is just to "show us" not because he wants to do it. It is really sad.

My oldest son asked him to stay sharing the room, on his own. My middle guy said "No. You have ruined everything for me."

What do I do? My youngest child is our daughter. She is not involved.

Thanks




Edited 6/4/2003 7:14:59 AM ET by akrobins

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 7:32am
Give the oldest boy the room. He's at an age when he *needs* some space away from his brothers and he's going to be carrying more responsibility than the other two (as long as he's home, he'll be the oldest, when he moves out, the next oldest only has *one* little brother to watch out for).

When oldest moves out, split the rooms between the boys.

The middle kid is going to think 1) it's unfair that oldest gets the solo room now and 2) it's unfair that youngest gets his own room a year or so younger than when I got mine.

It sucks being the middle kid, but he's probably used to that now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 11:45am
Hello

I guess I need to clarify that my daughter has her own room. My middle son will be moving to a room of his own. He doesn't want to be alone. He feels very shunned and hurt by his older brother.

My oldest son, confided to my husband that he wants his brother to stay in their room. My middle son, isn't because he is going to spite everyone. I know that he does not want to be alone and not in the "fancy" room we built them.

I just don't know what to do. My middle son is being very difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:42pm
You still can't let your middle son's difficulty affect how you treat your older son.

*YOU*, not he, get to make the decision. If he doesn't like it, he'll adapt.

You discount your older son considerably if you veto his room because his younger brother doesn't like it.

Make the decision in the absence of influence of the difficult child. Whatever that decision is, *that's* the decision. The difficult child notwithstanding.

Firefly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 8:59pm
Sounds like you might need a family meeting here. There need to be rules for this. One person talks at a time - each person respects the others' opinions and will honour any promises made.

What I suggest is that you get everyone together, (include your younger boy and dd) and have them lay out what they like about the sharing of the room and what they dislike about it. (You too. Let them know that you are really torn between them on this and are finding it hard to be fair to both.) Hopefully they can come to some compromise on issues they have. It might be that they wind up sharing the room till ds1 moves on to college.

If it does come to one party having to move out, it will be the younger and he will just have to accept it, eventually.

Best of luck with this - dh and I are having a similar problem with my two teens right now.

Ds1 wants his own room and while we have a spare, we would rather keep it for dh's dad to come visit. We are working towards getting ds2 to give ds1 some space occasionally. (But it's a long road............LOL_)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:02pm
PS: Both boys need to realise that being insensitive to each other's feelings, and over sensitive about what the other says is very destructive and could damage thier relationship for a long time to come. The first rule of your family meeting should possibly be that no one says anything derogatory about anyone else?

:o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:33pm
Hello

Thanks for the suggestion. My kids are going to go to my inlaws for a weeks visit. Hopefully when they come back, they will be buddies once again.

My oldest son, waivers between telling my middle guy that he is happy to share the room, then not happy to share the room. He does send mixed messages. My middle son, counter acts the messages with terrible verbal replys.

We have a four bedroom house. Room 1- us, room 2 -dd, room 3- guest, room 4 - my two boys. I would like to keep my guest room too!

We are going to have a family meeting and try to figure things out when they come back. I know from experience, they band together at my inlaws. My inlaws have a ranch in Texas in the woods. No tv watching either! So hopefully they will come back with a new appreciation for each other :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 10:23pm
Can my guys go with yours?????????????????? Pretty please?? :D