help with bad father/daughter situation
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help with bad father/daughter situation
| Sun, 10-14-2007 - 5:51pm |
Today, something major happened in my house and I need help figuring out what to do. My daughter is 14 yrs. old, she is my daughter from my first marriage. My husband adopted her when she was 3 and has been the only father that she has known. Over the years they have grown increasingly farther and farther apart. She is a good kid, good student, etc. Except for the minor, mouthy things she is a pleasure. Well, my husband is just a big jerk- really, he is. And he's getting worse the older he gets. He has become what I consider to be verbally, emotionally abusive to my daughter. He picks and picks at her, he is constantly on her case about everything and just insults everything about her. She basically ignores him most of the time. Mind you, I also have a 10 yr. old son (who is my husbands' biological) who is a punk....but totally gets away with it. Anyway, apparently, this morning he asked her something and she answered him on the way out the door. So, he may/may not have heard her, but she swears she answered him. Anyway, he runs out the door after her, yelling that she's a rude girl and then grabs her by the neck with both hands and gets in her face yelling in her face. Oh my god, just writing the words horrify me. She was devastated, of course, yelling "I hate you". My first instinct was to call the police on him. How dare he put his hands on her!! He sais it was to put a scare into her because she is so rude. A scare? Maybe, and I say maybe, a pop on the mouth (but, I don't think I've ever done that) but to choke her? WTF? Of course, now he feels terrible about it. He said he was sorry to her and thinks that that is all it takes. Me? I'm thinking that I should report him. He is military and I could go to his command who would require him to get help. What would you guys do? Has anyone ever had anything escalate to this point and if so, what did you do? It's not like she is so bad that anyone is at their wits end with her. She is mouthy, and yes, can be rude. But, she's 14. And, not nearly as rude as some other kids her age. Help!!!

I think I would pack up
My first reaction would be to take the kids and take off for a few days.
If my husband ever did that to my dd, I would be out the door with the kids and let him know that I wouldn't come back until a few things were straightened out. He would need to be getting some counseling and if I were in your circumstances I would call his CO and tell him what is going on.
No one has a right to treat anyone in that manner, to do that and then say he was just trying to scare her because she was rude? what would he do if she did something he considered to be really bad?
One of the things I would also make clear is that if it ever happens again he will be the one to leave and that would be the end of it. No more chances. Either way, whatever happens, I think your dd should have some help, she probably needs someone to talk to.
Think about this. Your dd is being put down, verbally abused and now physically abused by her father. You are staying there and letting it continue. What is that saying to her and what do you think she will do if she happens to be dating a guy and he becomes abusive with her? She may very well take it from him and end up in an abusive relationship. No one wants to see that happen I am sure.
And if your son is already, as you say a punk, where do you think he will be going with that kind of behavior. If you stay or if you go, I think some family counseling is in order.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
I would insist on family counselling and if you have to go to his CO to get it, then do it.
I sure wouldn't let things stay the way they are, it really is an explosion waiting to happen IMO.
You say your DH is military - has he spent time in a combat zone in the past 5 years?