HELP!! Concerned about teenage son...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
HELP!! Concerned about teenage son...
10
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 2:18am
Hard to know where to start, but my son is almost 17 years old. From what I've been reading about other people's kids he seems to be an angel. What have I got to complain about??? He doesn't do drugs, isn't having sex (yet...), doesn't drink, doesn't party, isn't in trouble w/ the law, etc... As most teenagers go they are disrespectful and everything is all about them. He doesn't care who he inconveniences. His mouth is his BIGGEST problem. He can be a loving & funny child, but that part doesn't come out too often. My (2) biggest concerns w/ him right now are..... (1) His relationships w/ the opposite sex. He is a cute boy & has never had trouble finding a girlfriend. Usually not the right girlfriend, but a girlfriend none-the-less... Most never last more than a few days - a month or so. He had this girl that went to our church that he dated for over a year (off & on). He was CRAZY about her. Several things failed this relationship, but he was smart enough to call it off. Before he broke it off he was already talking to another girl (mostly just friendly flirting, but wrong anyway). Not long after he broke up w/ girl #1 he began dating girl #2. They have been dating for over a year now & he seemed crazy about her. I know she is crazy for him. There have been issues in this relationship, too. One minute they are fighting & the next saying they "love" each other. He somehow came across this girl he used to know briefly & they have began their flirtatious conversations. He says they are just friends, but I have given him the lecture that this is wrong. He would stop talking to her & be talking to her again. This has been going on for a month or so. He just broke his current girlfriends heart by making up a bogus reason for breaking up w/ her. He gave her this lame excuse, but I know it's only because of this other girl. This bothers me, but mostly because he doesn't seem to have a clue of how his actions affect other people. He also doesn't seem to care. I have raised him the best I could in a christian home / life, but he is even rebelling against that it seems. The other thing that bothers me is that this is a pattern for him. He bounces around like none other. As soon as something better comes along - he's off. I'm beginning to think he will NEVER have a successful adult relationship. I am fairly strict. I am very careful who he does things with, where he goes, what he does, etc... If I let him do alot of the things most of his so called friends do he would be 10x worse. There are times he tells me everything & there are times he thinks I'm the dumbest person on the planet. I feel so bad for what he has done to this past girlfriend. He was really bad to her for absolutely no reason. Do I just let him make his mistakes & hope he learns from them? Do I step in (which I've already tried to do)? Am I overreacting? I find myself sick at my stomach at times for the things he does and how he treats people. This is not how I tried to raise him. Is he just a selfish teenager? Will he grow out of it? (2) problem is that he has lost interest in one of his most important things in life. He is a drummer & is very talented at it. He plays drumset, plays drums for our church, plays snare drum in his high school band, is a leader in the band, takes private lessons, & even talked about majoring in music in college. Now as if flipping a light switch he's done w/ all of it. His dad says, "No problem. If he doesn't want to do it, don't make him!" I am really worried about him. He LOVES, LOVES, LOVES his music and has for about 6 years now. For him to just drop it all w/ the pretense of not caring anymore about it seems a bit odd to me. I'm really at a loss and have no one to talk to really. My husband just doesn't seem to get it. Any suggestions? Am I completely nuts? Should I just let him handle his own problems & make all these decisions which I think are huge mistakes? I'd love the input. For those of you out there whose problems seem must worse than mine do - I'll be praying for you. Raising kids is the hardest job anyone will EVER have to do. To all you parents out there trying to raise your kids right - try to keep your chin up. God Bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:01am

I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:02am

I can only directly relate to the 2nd one - and it has to do with me, not my ds15. I took piano lessons for years and loved it too, but once I got to be a junior, I'd had enough. I also was eager to try swim team (first time they had a girls team) and knew I couldn't do justice to both that and piano. So my parents told me to choose, and I chose swimming. I was good enough at piano at that point to continue it on my own, which I did at a slow pace which trickled off over the years. But I never regretted my decision. So perhaps your ds is just at that time where he's done justice to drums and wants to do something else (may not be defined yet) and at the least wants a break from the routine he's had for years. I honestly wouldn't sweat it.

On the first one, I don't have direct experience but I don't believe I'd worry about how serious a teen relationship would be - I don't think kids that age are ready for a lifetime commitment; this is the time they are trying out what they want in a date/partner and shouldn't feel obligated to spend months and years with the same person. It's also a time of hard knocks when you learn what your actions do to others. And all our talking to them will not be the same as them taking those knocks themselves. You can guide, suggest, provide your experiences...just to help him think, but ultimately he'll have to make the decisions and be responsible for his actions. It's not easy stepping back when you see obvious ways things could be done better, but I'm afraid it's their turn to learn these things on their own.

Hugs.
Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:15am

Your son isnt ready for a committed relationship at 16? Good for him!

I had trouble finding stats for boys(weird)but average age of marriage for women today is 25, 27 with a bachelors and 30 with an advanced degree. You know the guys are going to be a couple years over that! So he has plenty of time to learn how to have a committed relationship.

My middle son only went out with girls for a few dates per girl in high school. He was not interested in the 'drama' he saw in the hallways. At 19, he if literally off to Six Flags today to celebrate his 1 yr anniversary with J. So that changed pretty quickly once he got out of the high school environment(his words-'I can enjoy a relationship now')

The music? He may need a break and come back; it's hard to say. This is a difficult age; they truly are finding themselves and IME feel we as parents have pushed them into certain activities. Sometimes they are right in that assessment and sometimes they are overreacting. Either way we have to ride the wave!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:54am
WOW! You seem right on the money. About his music, he didn't get a position in the band that he has wanted, expected, and frankly deserved. I've told him such is life. He isn't always going to get what he might deserve, but we need to try to deal w/ the upset & learn to move on. I never thought in my wildest dreams he would want to give up completely something that he absolutely loved for so long. He was so "Drums for Life" and now he doesn't even want to play one. He wants to sell his drumset, stop lessons, quit band, quit playing for church, etc... He doesn't seem to agree w/ me that it all relates to the position he didn't get, but we both know it is. That is when his whole demeanor changed. Band is not something I pushed him into, but I have been fighting him tooth & nail not to quit. I know he'll regret it later. How can you just turn away from something you love just like that? It concerned me about his lack of interest. I also feel so badly for this girl that he dumped. You can just tell she's heart broken & he is so shallow right now. I feel like such a failure as a parent for maybe not setting a better example for him re: relationships. I really hope & pray that he grows up. I hope it's w/o too many bumps & bruises, too. I know plenty of guys who are still this way & they are way old enough to know better. Thanks for the advice though. It was good. It was a positive start to my day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:02am
Some really good advice this morning. I just read someone else's, too. I feel like I have a positive start to my day. Thanks so much for responding to my issue. I just so worried about him just quitting so quickly. You hear about kids who lose interest in things & then their life just tumbles out of control. Some commit suicide & that is a warning sign. Maybe I am putting too much into all this. I know I need to let him make his own choices; whether they be a mistake or not. It's so hard to see them make decisions you know they will most likely regret later. The mom in me wants to spare him that. The sad part is that he is so good at them. He could probably get a music scholarship even. I just don't know. As for the girl situation, I just feel so bad for the girl he has left in his wake. She is so heartbroken & he is just being so selfish & shallow. I didn't raise him to be this way. I don't necessarily want him in a long-term relationship at this age, but he is old enough to handle things better than he is. I can only pray that God will step in and help him to mature & grow up. Thanks for the advice though. It helps. Have a blessed day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:11am
I just wanted to say thanks for the advice. I was so glad to have some responses on here this morning. I feel like I'm in a losing battle all alone. His dad usually isn't much help in the parenting area unfortunately. I'm glad your son finally got out of that cycle & found someone he really likes. I pray for that w/ my son. He has alot to offer even if he's acting like a spoiled brat right now. He is so funny, smart, & talented. Unfortunately the only things we are seeing out of him right now are cocky, smarty pants, and lack of interest. They should give us an answer manual @ birth to help us deal w/ all these situations. I'm learning as I go. I will continue to pray that God will step in and guide him in the right direction. I just might need to pull my son's ear plugs out so he can hear the guidance. Ha! :-) Have a great day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:18am
You are right - raising teens IS a hard job.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:51am

OK - this may seem a little harsh, please forgive me if it does - as I'm dealing with some teen crisis of my own today (which I may or may not post later, depending on how the day goes).

1. Your son - as someone who spent a good portion of time very involved in her son's relationships, please take this advice as friendly. Get out. Stop being involved. You are WAY too involved in your son's romantic encounters (and I have definitely BTDT). You'll drive yourself nuts. You won't know whether or not your son is every going to hae a "mature adult relationship" until he becomes a mature adult - which is years from now.

The behavior you describe is normal - it's what most of us did as teenagers. When I cried to someone about something my son was doing in a relationship, I was told the story of how "A" had been seeing two boys at once in high school, and one had tried to run the other over with his car - while "A" stood there cheering him on! The funny thing was, "A" was now in her 30's, married, and had a baby - and the most stable human being I know. Teenagers flit- they are unstable - they hop from one relationship to another.

Three things to remember -

1. This girl is not heartbroken. In another month, she's going to be dating someone else. In 10 years, she'll forget your son's name. I can't tell you how many times I was "heartbroken" in high school.

2. Your son is unlikely to find the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with at 16. The fact that he dated two girls for almost a year each is pretty impressive at that age.

3. It's OK for him to talk and flirt with other girls. It's ok even if he has a girlfriend. It's what teenagers do. It sounds like you're trying to get him to be a "relationship" adult before he's ready. let him be a kid.

Just stay out of it. Unless you believe your son is doing something harmful or illegal, or you believe someone's doing something harmful or illegal to him, let it go. It's hard, believe me, I know - but eventually, you stop caring so much who your kid is dating (your attitude becomes "come talk to me when I have to buy a dress for the wedding").

Now - the band thing. My son is an actor/singer. He does show after show after show. Didn't care one bit about school, but there was ALWAYS a show. During his sophomore year in high school, he cut down dramatically. When we told him about shows that had good parts for him - he refused to audition. Where the year before, he might have done 8 shows, from January-December of that year, he did 3 or 4. His reason? "He didn't feel like it."

It's three years later, and he's back in the swing - show after show after show (driving me nuts again). And pursuing it as a career. Your son might need a break. He might, as you said, resent not getting the position he deserved (you should see MY DS when he doesn't get a part he thinks he deserves - he's giving up theater forever). As long as you've ascertained that there are no drugs or alcohol involved, it could just be teenage growing pains. Give it some time and see what happens. He can always take it back up after a break. (he could also be rebelling against you in the only way he knows how).

Hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:08pm
Well, thank you very much for your advice. I didn't take it harshly at all. I guess I need to change alot about myself, too. As a mom you want to keep them from making mistakes, but we can't. It's so hard to sit back & watch them make mistakes & do nothing to try to prevent it. We actually had a long talk in the car tonight b/4 we came into the house. I think things went well. I think that we have discussed some major issues and we didn't kill each other. That has to be a positive thing, huh?! :-) I love him so much and just want whats best for him. I am trying to let all this advice from you & others sink in. It has all been great. Thank you so much! Have a blessed day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:13pm
Thank you so much for your advice. I got alot of good advice today. Of course now I feel like I've micromanaged so much that maybe I've screwed him up all by myself. We did have a long talk today & I think it helped alot, but it never ends w/ teenagers. It's o.k. one minute & not the next. I just hope we will still love each other when it's all over. Ha! I'm so glad I found this website. This is more help in one day than I've rec'd. in months & months. Have a blessed day! God Bless!