help daughter dating advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
help daughter dating advice
3
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 6:42pm
Hey,
I am writing for my best friend because I am out of advice
Her daughter is in a relationship with a muslim, but it is not so much her worry that her daughter is in a relationship with him, it is that his parents will not approve of her. His parents do not allow him to date, therefore my best friends daughter is kept a secret when she is a perfect child. My daughter and another friend are worrying because she is upset but feels that she really likes this guy. As parents, we worry why his parents are that way, and both are confused with what exactly Muslims will do if he gets caught with her. We are confused in what to say and how to react. Please give some suggestions
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 7:41am
Oh boy. Living in the area I have all my life I have seen this situation before. Your friend's daughter is heading for heartbreak if she has any illusions that she will ever be accepted into this family completely. If this family is as strict as they sound then they probably have not been in this country for too many generations. As time passes each generation becomes more "westernized" and the stigma of actually marrying a non-muslim relaxes. However, it sounds like this young man (no matter how good his intentions) will not be allowed to see her if they find out. It is much like being a "mistress". Family is very important to this culture and he will not go against them as that would of course cut him off from the money, family business, etc. To answer your other question. What will happen if he gets caught? Nothing, he will be given the lecture "you can sleep with them because that is all they are good for, but you can never bring them home". I have had several friends go through this. One actually moved in with the guy, had four beautiful children and was "married" but not legally. They were together twenty years. She waited on him hand and foot, was a good "wife" and was ignored by his family for the most part for the whole twenty years though they did accept the children. She finally got out of it when he became abusive. Please tell your friend that her daughter deserves better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 10:08am

So many recent immigrant cultures go through the same thing....their children born in the US or Canada or the UK experience a very different life and associate with so many different people. And eventually they find themselves attracted to people of other religions or cultures or races. These are the generations which discover that deep down inside when you strip away all that stuff about what we are supposed to wear, where we worship and how our food is prepared, we are fundamentally the same.

But these are conclusions we arrive at only by living among diverse people all our lives. Those who come here from foreign cultures did not have that experience and sometimes even came from countries where they were taught to be suspicious of others because they were at war or being oppressed. It is extremely difficult for first generation children of immigrants to go against their families' wishes. I am such a child and I grew up in a very traditional household where, even though I am not Muslim, I was not allowed to date until I was 18 and even then under highly controlled circumstances. So I know how hard this is.

This girl needs to think long and hard if she cares enough about this relationship to go through this type of conflict. On the one hand it makes a relationship strangely attractive -- the whole forbidden fruit, "us against the world" romantic element. But that romance very quickly fades under the weight of feeling like you are something to be ashamed of. Girls experience enough pressure on their self-esteem without this too.

I'd strongly advise her, especially if she is young, to cool off the relationship for now. If when she is older, she and this young man still care for each other it may be worth the effort especially when they are both strong and resilient enough to be assertive about their wanting to be together.

She may not listen but eventually she will start to feel second rate. And in that case she'll need her friends and family to support her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 1:51pm

I lived -- and worked -- in the Islamic capital of the world (Riyadh, Saudi Arabia) for five years and feel pretty knowledgeable about that particular religion and so planned to share that knowledge with you.

However, after reading your post through twice, I think that the real issue here is not this boys' religious affiliation, but that he is not allowed to date and that he is sneaking around to see your friends' DD.

I think how his parents react will have more to do with the fact their DS is betraying their trust and not respecting their wishes and less to do with the fact they are Muslim. I think THAT is what your friend and her DD need to consider.

Suppose it was the other way around? Suppose the girl was not allowed to date and your friend learned she was sneaking around with this boy? Would HER religion play a factor in how she reacts? Probably not.