Help - Daughter in trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Help - Daughter in trouble
5
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:38pm
My 13 year old daughter spent the night with a friend a couple of weeks ago and they "went walking" they went into a mobile home that was for sale. It had been broken into, the door frame was broken. Instead of leaving like normal people after they saw the broken door, they decided it would be fun to play in the house and no they didn't damage anything else. A neighbor across the street from the mobile home saw them and called the police. They were picked up and then released to her friends parents. I don't believe that they broke the door, because they are not very big girls I think they were just stupid. My dd has good grades and doesn't generally get into trouble, but there have been a couple of instances that she has - shoplifting one time last summer and going on a joy ride in a stolen car with her "sister" when I let her visit her birth mom 2 years ago. We received a letter in the mail and she has to appear before the court next Thursday for a hearing to determine wheather she needs to be tried for this. They are charging her and her friend with tresspassing and intent to commit burglary. The paper says that we can get a lawyer if we want....the problem is, I don't know if it would be in her best interest or not. She's not really bad, but she is a bully and I've been having trouble with her attitude and cursing lately. She thinks that if she doesn't like the rule or doesn't think it should be a rule, she doesn't have to follow it.......this is a bad path to be on. I feel like she is on the fence of being a good kid and being a troublemaker......of course I want her to be a good kid. I want to believe that she didn't really do anything wrong...except be stupid, then again, I don't want to be one of those parents that deny that their children are terrorists. I don't know if it would be a good idea to get a lawyer who could probably "get her out of it" thereby showing her that she can do what she wants and not pay the price, or let her suffer the consequences, whatever they may be in order to learn a lesson. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:47pm

Being stupid can be very dangerous. It sounds to me like your dd needs to be 'scared straight' and I would most definitely get an attorney for this case. He/she can help reduce whatever sentencing is handed down to your dd. YOU may see a young girl who simply gets herself into situations you deem 'stupid', but the judge won't...he/she will be thinking that this could the beginning of something awful - a long line of trouble.

I'd rather see it nipped in the bud, wouldn't you?

Right away, I would put this girl under house arrest - for her own good. If she's out there and gets into another stupid situation, her chances of having an easy court date are slim. Limit the time she spends with her friends, monitor her computer and phone usage, and I would forbid her to spend any time at all with her birth mother if her birth mother doesn't know how to be a responsible parent. And that goes for her little cohort as well.

It's time to wise up and toughen - she's not the good little girl she was. She's allowing outside influence to steer her in the wrong direction. PS: I speak as a parent of a former troubled teen (now 16), please don't take anything I said as being judgemental - that is not my intention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:32pm
Thanks. I have already put a stop to her seeing her birth mother. And she is not allowed to go anywhere or have any company. She is also on phone restriction and restriction from riding her dirt bike for a month because of cursing me out 2 times last week. She doesn't have internet access. She's not allowed to talk to her little friend either. I keep the computer and phone locked up in my room, but I have found out that she has "picked" the lock on my door several times and has called her friend because "it's not fair" which really makes me mad. I feel like I am totally losing control, and I don't want to see her go down this path. Not to mention she is really making my life a living you know what and is influencing my 12 year old and 3 year old. My husband thinks that I always take her side and think she can do no wrong. I'm beginning to see his point and can see where she has "conned" me in the past into believing her and trusting her when I should not have. I've become the MEAN mother, but I told her she will just have to deal with it.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:39pm

Correction: You are NOT a MEAN mother, you're being a responsible mother who loves her dd so much she's willing to put up with her tantrums while she restricts her access to dangerous situations. You are doing what you're supposed to do. You're being a good mom. Don't let her guilt you.

Incidentally, it sounds like you may need some support - have you considered some counseling to help you deal with dd's tantrums, mouthing off and just to garner some support from a professional. He/she may be able to give you some useful tools on tuning your dd out when she is acting out against you and your family. A counselor may also just be a good place to vent about it and be reassured that you're not crazy or being too strict. And perhaps dd could use a little counseling, she seems to be acting out quite a bit and in many ways. Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:26pm
I completely agree with heartsandroses, with one exception.
I wouldn't get an attorney.
Instead, call the prosecutor and ask his assistance and advice. He/She will be absolutely thrilled that you're not one of those whining parents that doesn't want any consequences for their little angel, and will most likely be very happy to work with you. Not sure what state you're in, but generally they don't want to throw the book at a 13 year old on a first offense and frankly, can't do much anyway. Ask if their is an "Operation Denovo" or an equivalent program avaiable.
As you know, this kid needs consequences and the rug pulled out from under her. This is her third major screw up (that you know of) and it's time for a wake up call.
I'm curious why the police dropped your daughter off at a friends house. They should have kept her at the station until you picked her up.
Both my sons went through brief periods around that age where they took it upon themselves to determine which of my rules were valid and worth considering. Don't get into power struggles over this. Just giver her fair warning, and when those rules are disregarded, life as she knows it should then be over. But be sure to follow through.
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 5:52am

you are a GOOD mother. if being mean means setting boundaries and caring - then so be it. you are doing the right thing right now.

I truly understand your point about letting your dd face the consequences , but i think that the court system is not the right place to learn the facts of life. the difference between having a good lawyer and not having a good lawyer can have serious effects on your dd's life. but - you may be able to use this as some kind of leverage. maybe you can get the courts to agree that she 'needs' therapy, or that the family needs family therapy, for example. maybe the court will 'agree' that she "needs" to volunteer at a shelter or somethig.

sorry for your pain - and good luck