HELP! DS says he's moving out this week

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
HELP! DS says he's moving out this week
20
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 4:05pm

Out of no where, with no leading discussion, he tells me I have to transfer the car into his name because it wouldn't do him any good to take a stolen car when he moves out. Um, when is he planning to move out... this week, but he's still looking for a place. ug. I have no intention of putting that car in his name. He totalled the nice car we bought for him, then traded it (plus some of MY cash!) for a Celica, which he blew up, then traded that for a car that needed a ton of work. We ended up just giving that away because it couldn't be fixed. Then, he convinced me that if I bought a cheapy car, he could drive it to find a job and to get to work and school. Took him some convincing and classic toddler breath holding, but I caved and bought a POS car for him to drive, but it's MY car, in MY name only. Now he drops this gonna move out this week thing on me. The boy doesn't even earn enough money to pay his insurance, let alone to pay rent and food and stuff. He's clearly not thought this through and isn't interested in even discussing it.

HELP! I need some BTDT advice. Help me keep my head and have the right things to say when we do talk about it! HELP!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 5:50pm

Is he perhaps just blowing off steam?

Your profile has him at 16-older now?

I would do my best to stay calm and inform him the car will stay in your name until he pays you for it. If he asks if you will call the cops on him and report it stolen, honestly, Id probably say "I havent decided yet" and go silent

The ball is in his court here.

Hes not giving you a lot of info-and he has very little info-which makes me wonder if he is just trying to scare you. I would stick with short answers and try not to panic

YET!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:26pm

Yikes!
<<>>

What precipitates a comment like that?
As what windrush said, was this outburst following an argument?

Hopefully so. Then he can cool off and come to his senses.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:53pm

I would expect this following an arguement, but there has been none. This is really out of left field. He's 18 now, just graduated from hs, feeling that need of freedom.

I know I moved out the summer after my senior year, but I'd been working the same job for 2 years and paying my bills, and owned my own car that *I* paid for. He's not shown that kind of responsibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:36am

Well..since this isn't one of those heat of the moment situations that blows over when tempers cool,
And he refuses to even discuss this "plan" with you,

I'd write him a letter and put it on his bed.
Keeping the tone gentle but firm, include three points:
1... People move out when they can support themselves.

2... Include lots of math. (Estimated rent, car insurance, food, etc. vs. his estimated income) Be sure to point out he will not have any health insurance once he moves out, assuming he's not a full time student. Teenage boys in this predicament NEED lots of math. They need those concrete numbers slapping them in the face to counteract the subjective allure of being on their own.

3... You will not be in a position to help financially due to #1. That includes co-signing a lease that typically would be required, weekly raids on your refrigerator, or shopping trips.

An optional comment would be something to the effect that you are deeply disappointed that threatening to steal your car is not exactly endearing you to assist him anyway.

What is it with 18 yr old boys and why is this so common? The desire to remove themselves from parental rules can be so strong that reality is thrown to the wind. It's ironic that they talk in terms of moving out so "I can do whatever I want" when the reality is, they are usually putting themselves in a considerably more restrictive environment. Not much "whatever I want" applies with eighty seven cents in your pocket!

D

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:08am

Unfortunately, we waited up for him to get home from work so we could talk to him. He wasn't much in a talking mood, as usual. We were really casual about it, just wanting to know what the plan is, how long it's been brewing. We really got very little info. Seems that DS, a friend of his from school (who started his 1st job yesterday...) and this other guy who turned 21 yesterday, along with the 21 year old's gf, plan to get a 3 bedroom apt. The 21 year old, they call him Beaver, is gonna get $4000 tomorrow and will be renting the place in his name and putting all the money down. They figure they are basically sharing a $600 rent 4 ways (I can see that being more like 3 ways...BTDT) Beyond that, they don't have a clue. They are gonna get a place that has utilities included, and they plan to LOOK for a place tomorrow. See how well thought out this plan is???

We also had a savings account for each of our children that they share with their dad because he is legally blind and gets social security for each of them, so we put some money in there. The kids all know that the money in these accounts is NOT theirs. DS asked me about this account, which he rediscovered yesterday. He was with me when I opened it, and with both of us when we went in and changed the accounts to be shared with ds instead of me. I've left money sitting there, using it periodically to pay for things for his car (when he owned one) and paying his insurance with it. He discovered it had almost $400 in it, so he went into a branch and took $110. We asked him what for and he only said that he needed gas. When we asked where the rest of the money went, that's none of our business.

Anyway, we kept asking if there was more of a plan, and he kept saying it's none of our business. You know how that goes. He walked out of the kitchen, so we followed to his room. He was on the phone with his gf telling her that we are interfering in his life, intervening. Um, we just want to know what the hell is going on! We kept trying to talk to him, he kept telling us it's none of our business. My DH adopted him when he was 7 (and ds had begged for it then!) and ds is now saying crap like that dh isn't his dad in anyway. He even went so far as to say he wishes I wasn't his mom. WOW, talk about trying to push me over. I'm really good about not saying things I can't take back, and even I had a hard time after that one. Then he jumped up and grabbed his keys and said he was leaving. Not in MY car he isn't. so then it was about getting his wallet. But he never grabbed that, I don't think. He did grab a baseball bat and his b-b/pellet gun and started walking away. Then he abruptly turned and came back in the house. He grabbed a packed back pack off his bed (he stayed the night at Beavers last night) and then tried leaving, but I was in his door way demanding my keys. He shoved his pellet gun against me and tried to shove past me and I grabbed his neck and pushed him back ward. Some how, dh got the bat from him and along the struggle, also got the pellet gun. Bonus, ds was also standing on my bare foot with his thick soled heavy shoes. I refused to let him out of his room until he gave me the keys (which I'm pretty sure he put in his pocket) he said I'd have to find them, then finally said he dropped them behind the car. DH told him to get them then, but ds picked up his cell phone and called 911 and said he was being held in a house against his will. That was when he remembered that he goes out his window all the time, so he went out his window instead. I could hear him on the phone trying to now explain why he'd called 911. He stopped behind the car to pick up the keys, but he didn't find them, yelled that it's my problem and stormed off down the street on the phone with 911.

OMG, I still can't believe it blew up like this. We cleaned almost everything out of his car. The boy could practically live out of his car for all the clothes that were in it! And, I found an unopened pregnancy test under the front seat. It's one of many, many that I've found. I really believe he and gf are trying to get pregnant. Oh, and DH gave me pearl and diamond earrings after we got engaged, and I found those on his dash! That really pissed me off. I truly own very little, and he's stolen almost all of it. So, we had to lock up all the windows that we normally leave open for air in the summer, and we took the battery out of the car so he can't steal it easily.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out trying to figure out how this went so terribly wrong. The day he moved out was supposed to be a sad day, but not like this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:42am
Oh I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Pam
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:58am

Wow that so sounds like me at that age.

The "grass is always greener" and maybe it's best to let him see what the real world is like. That's what it took for me! He's 18 (?) there really isn't much you can do/say at this point. I too went through many of my parents cars and it wasn't until I had one that I paid for that I gave a darn about it. I wouldn't sign that car over unless he buys it from you. If he can't buy it from you - oh well! He thinks he's an adult?? Let him see what it's like to be an adult. Sure was an eye-opener for me!!

Has this behavior been typical or is this something new?

Good luck and I hope he sees clearer soon!




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:18am

My 18 year old moved out this summer. He will attend college this fall but casually announced at dinner one day in May that he was moving out for the summer.

We asked a few questions but didnt put up a big fuss. He knows where we live if he decides this isnt the right choice

It's been fine and he will actually be back home around August 1 because the lease runs out on the apartment he was staying at. DH and I joked about telling him 'no way' but we just calmly asked him to keep us posted on the exact date

They have to spread those wings and theyre bound to have a few false starts

My oldest-now 21- rented an apartment with his GF and a couple only she knew. It was a disaster; they didnt get along with the other couple and they were selling pot out of the house. They moved in with GFs mom after 6-8 weeks. They stayed there until that lease ran out because technically, they were still responsible. This finally all cleared up in May. He ended up having to pay several hundred dollars for damages and cleaning but at least there had been enough people crashing there that the rent always got paid; it could have been worse

He and GF have their own place now and have learned is a way they will never forget

I dont think a lot of boys are big on communication and feelings. The dont want a lot of drama so, to avoid that, they just spring this stuff on us. They're not going to say "how would you feel about me moving out in a few months? "

It will work out but, seriously, you have to chill ;)

He wasnt with you when he learned to walk but I suspect that if you had been you would have allowed him to let go of the coffee table and reach out with that foot, not tried to block him.

It really helps me to think of these stages as 'development'. Helps me not take it personally. (not saying Im always successful-Ive bawled buckets over my boys)

When all are calm, perhaps you can work out a plan for him regarding the car. Payments with the title remaining in your name?

Treat him like you would a 18 yr old who wasnt your son-that also helps keep me calm

The earrings? Sad-I have no words of experience here. I'm guessing he felt he was 'owed' that for some reason-not saying he was right as he was DEAD WRONG to take them. But I notice Trevor can come up with some really odd ideas that way if a friends parents pay for something we dont, for example. Or, he was desperate? Perhaps thought he might have to fund an abortion?

I hope you guys can put it all back together and work something out

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:00pm

I was there when he took his first steps, I've been there from conception, it's just my DH who was new on the scene when he was 7. Funny how that is the first thing I feel the need to defend...

I don't so much have a problem with letting him move out, I expected it and we prepared to be sad. I wasn't prepared for it to go the way it did, with him leaving in the middle of the night.

This isn't really new behavior, but it isn't typical, either. He's been a bit hostile under it all for years, but runs hot and cold, with precious little warm. He went from happy, smiling, getting along to blowing up and running off down the street in a matter of minutes, and we weren't threatening him, or yelling or anything. We were telling him we want him to be successful when he moves out, and all he could hear was that we didn't want him to leave.

I'm not enjoying this. And not knowing what he's gonna do next really bothers me. His friend brought him over around 2am, presumably to get something out of the car, or to take the car. He never saw me watching him from a black window. He never attempted to get in the house, and he left a few minutes later, then drove by several times before finally really leaving. He's acting so much like a toddler...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:09pm

I'm sorry your ds is acting like such a little kid. But I do agree with windrush, he's 18 and you are probably going to have to let him go. It's going to be painful, sure, and he will probably fall flat on his face and need to come back home. That's where you come in. You'll be appreciated again in a way that you haven't been since he was 4. I agree that many have several false starts before leaving home finally "sticks". And after all, you surely don't want him to be 30+ years old and still living at home, so...

I was one of "those" that made several false starts to being on my own - the first time at 18 foolishly thinking that I could stay on my own after graduating from high school when my parents moved across the country. You guessed it - I didn't want to leave my "friends". Typical teenage stuff, and I was way too immature to be on my own with my family that far away. I moved back in with my parents, and back out again with a boyfriend at 19, back in again when we broke up, back out again finally at 21 (interesting that this is the time the brain finally matures...hmmmm). I did have one short return home for a few weeks while my dh (at the time my fiance) and I were waiting to move into the home we bought together.

Each time my parents took me back without asking any questions and I am very close to them to this day. I think the very definition of "family" is being ready to open up those arms big and wide - whenever. Prodigal son and all that...however, I NEVER stole from my parents. Never recall demanding anything. Without a doubt, boys are different. It must be the testosterone!

I would let him go - he's going to have to learn the hard way. As the OP advised, have him work out a payment plant to buy the car from you. I thought you said it was a junker? Why not just sign the car over to him as a "going away present"? Soon enough he will see for himself the expenses that go along with owning a vehicle.
]]]]

Marie

Pages