HELP! DS says he's moving out this week

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
HELP! DS says he's moving out this week
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Sun, 07-16-2006 - 4:05pm

Out of no where, with no leading discussion, he tells me I have to transfer the car into his name because it wouldn't do him any good to take a stolen car when he moves out. Um, when is he planning to move out... this week, but he's still looking for a place. ug. I have no intention of putting that car in his name. He totalled the nice car we bought for him, then traded it (plus some of MY cash!) for a Celica, which he blew up, then traded that for a car that needed a ton of work. We ended up just giving that away because it couldn't be fixed. Then, he convinced me that if I bought a cheapy car, he could drive it to find a job and to get to work and school. Took him some convincing and classic toddler breath holding, but I caved and bought a POS car for him to drive, but it's MY car, in MY name only. Now he drops this gonna move out this week thing on me. The boy doesn't even earn enough money to pay his insurance, let alone to pay rent and food and stuff. He's clearly not thought this through and isn't interested in even discussing it.

HELP! I need some BTDT advice. Help me keep my head and have the right things to say when we do talk about it! HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:55pm
You have to let him go. If he will not reliquish the car keys, and you are saying that you do not want him to have the car, then tell him if he chooses to take the car with him, you will be forced to report it stolen. That should end the discussion. If he still takes the car, then follow up the promise with a call to the police. You really have to let him go and make his own mistakes. Not having a car, plan or money does nto entitle him to take your car PERIOD. Time for the little boy to grow up. My heart goes out to you. Good luck, Betty

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:19pm

marie, the car is a junker, but, it's also the 5th car I've bought for him! The first one was a VERY nice car, purchased for $3000 from and elderly couple, who bought it new off the lot. First, he drove it like a 16 year old, then, he crashed it, setting off the air bags and damaging 2 other cars, then, he blew up the engine, all in under a year!!! The next was a real pos, but he wanted it and was sure he could fix it. Turns out, a tranny is a very hard puzzle to put together.... Then, the Celica, which we also bought for him, using the 2 previous cars in trade, plus $900 (of my money, not his). He blew the engine in that, too. Then he traded the Celica plus $50 (his money...) for a Toyota something that the mechanic that owned it couldn't fix, but he was sure he could. He ended up selling that for $50 and then had nothing. Pulled a toddler style tantrum, complete with running away from home (to a friends house, it took me about 30 minutes to find him!) and he talked me into buying another car for him to drive, so he could get to school and find a job. That's the car now in question.

Now, however, we are down to this. The majority of his stuff is here, in the bedroom. His sister was promised that when he moved out, she could have his room. I have no intention of breaking that promise. I also have no intention of packing up all his crap. I'm not doing that work for him just because he threw a fit. I am going through his room a little at a time finding things that somehow have ended up in there, movies, stereo components, speakers, dishes, cd's, things that teens tend to borrow and forget to return. I want to sift through everything and make sure I don't miss something that isn't his, but to do that, I'd end up packing his crap and I won't do that, so I'm holding myself between a rock and a hard spot.

How long should I give him to come and get his stuff??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:06pm
Jeez, call him and tell him he has until the end of July to clear out the room. If he is moving in with friends, I suspect he will come and get his stuff anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:44am

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Have you and DH thought through what to do if he comes back in 4 weeks or 4 months?

It wouldnt be fair to put dd in that room only to have to pull her out again down the road

Mine moved gradually-took what they thought they needed and then came back for other stuff they didnt think of. I still have paintball equipment and some winter clothing on my oldest amd hes been gone over 18 mos. Heck, my MIL had DHs stuff in the attic for decades!!!!!

IM not suggesting you wait decades but give things a chance to cool down.

Your ultimate goal right now should be IMHO salvaging the relationship. When the relationship is healing, there will be opportunties to discuss the room. "How about you come over Sunday and we go through your stuff then head over to _____________ for dinner?"

Food is a great motivator; chances are he will be eating ramen and cheap burritos.

Give it time.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:59pm

Like the others said, I would give it some time and try to salvage the relationship, above all else. I wouldn't ask him to get all his stuff out, only the things he would immediately need. I moved out gradually, too. Having said that, I'm also in the position you're in with a dd who has long wanted ds's room. It wouldn't be fair to let him keep that room when he's moved out, only b/c you want to keep his things there in case or more likely *when* he needs to move back in. I would enlist dd's help (after all, she does want the room, right?) and let ds know that you are swapping rooms. I don't mean to say do this in anger, but why should he keep the better room to store his things, kwim? I would let him know that his things will still be there when he needs them.

I know you feel anger about the car - wow, 5 cars! The car being a junker and all, I would probably still give it to him and make him sign a paper that this is the last vehicle you will give him or help him buy. And stick to your guns about the car. If he wants to at some point move back in when he wises up, to work, and save money for a car, that's another story. But never, ever give him another cent towards a vehicle. If he asks you how he'll get to his job without a car, introduce him to the bus schedule. Show him the paper he signed and tell him that as an adult he's going to start honoring his agreements. Good luck.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:38pm

If (when...) he moves back in, and if that is after dd has claimed his room, she's not moving out again. I'm not gonna play ping pong with my dd because ds can't make up his mind. Once it's her room, it's HER room until she moves out. She and I are talking about paint and decorating for that room for her, and new furniture because she's been making due for a very long time now.

If (when...) he moves back (and I honestly think that will be less than 2 months before his friends get sick of paying his way) he'll get her old room. Until then, her old room will be redone for the little boys so one of them will move over to that room, or we'll just make it a play room and leave the other room as a seperate sleeping room (that remains to be seen, though) His queen size water bed won't fit in the tiner room, so he'll have to find a way to make that work (ironic that I have a futon mattress that we'll be hanging on to for that occasion)

Oh, the thing with the car is the most frustrating, too. DS says he can't get to work anywhere if he doesn't have a car. my DH is legally blind and has never had a car, he's always taken the bus and we've always made sure we lived near a bus line. We even bought our house just 2 blocks from the bus stop so that DH could use the public bus system. It's almost comical to me that ds's argument is that he can't get anywhere without a car when DH has been doing it all his life. There was even a time when DH worked 45 minutes (by car in clear traffic) away and it took him easily 2 hours each direction on the buses and often more than that.

I still haven't heard from him. I'm not panicking the way I was when he first left. I know he's with his friend and he thinks I'm sitting her all worried about him, but I'm really not. I'm more concerned about when he comes back around, what his attitude will be like and if I can handle him or not. I'm fairly confident that I can, but who knows if/when that will actually happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 12:23pm
Any update? I've been thinking a lot about you! I have to admit that my first reaction, especially reading about the hostile and agressive behaviour, was to say "tough love! Change the locks and put his stuff outside!". That, of course, would be an EXCELLENT way to ensure that you never have a healthy and satisfying relationship with your son. He's acting very, very immmature - but "real life" can be a great teacher. I'm sorry that you are so hurt right now, and I'm hoping that he eventually makes some overtures to reconnect. Have you spoken to him lately?
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 2:49pm

"Change the locks and put his stuff outside!". That, of course, would be an EXCELLENT way to ensure that you never have a healthy and satisfying relationship with your son."

I don't necessarily agree. That is practically what we did with our dd when she was 18. We weren't mean to her, we told her that we loved her but we would not allow her to continue to treat us how she was treating us and her behavior was not acceptable for our home. She was mad at first but before long realized that we were not being unreasonable. Living on a friend's couch gave her a reality check. Eventually she moved back on the condition that she get help for her issues and with a clear understanding and acceptance of what behavior was acceptable in our house. Now she is 20 and has moved out again but this time with a full time job, into a shared apartment, and is living as a reasonably responsible adult. We have a good relationship and she has acknowleged and apologized for things that she did in the past as she has gained maturity.

On the other hand a parent can bend over backwards for a kid forever and still get treated like dirt. A "healthy and satisfying relationship" is a two-way street. "Change the locks" may not work for this family, or it may the wake-up call that this kid needs. It differs with each family, each situation, and everybody's comfort zones. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a formula that we parents could use that would always get the desired results?!

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 3:09pm

here's the update, not that it's very exciting. He came around 230am this morning. We have a monitor for the front yard that detects movement. We've always left the bell part in his room and let him deal with anyone who came around, but it was set up too high and picked up even cars that drive up the street. We put in new batteries and changed the setting some, so it only went off when he actually came into the yard. I think he was a little surprised to see us, he thought he was being pretty sneaky. he tried demanding his things out of the car. We already cleaned out the car, everything is in the house. He said he needs his stuff for work, because he STILL HAS TO WORK, heavy attitude with that. I gave him his black shirt and his name tag and that was it! He tried demanding his girlfriends things. She had a small bag packed in the back of his car that included enough clothes for several days. I wouldn't even talk to him, DH told him to come back during the day when everyone is awake and not to come in the middle of night again. We just refused to give in to his demands. Very rarely does DH get to just handle things, I have almost always been the one ds had to deal with. I just feel so much like he's more my responsibility, like I understand him better. It must have been strange for ds to not even get to see me. I handed his shirt and name tag to DH through a barely open door and stayed in the house and out of sight. I was about sick over all of it. DH also told him that we saw him Sunday night with his friend, but he denied that completely. I wish he hadn't told him that at all, but now DS knows that we know.

We haven't changed the locks. I really hate to do that. But, I'm also very weary. Every time I leave, I worry that he'll come in the house. I don't know for sure if he has a key or not. I am pretty sure he made a copy for his girlfriend, so I'm pretty sure has a key. It's the not knowing that is making me the craziest. And if I knew he actually had a place to go, I would put his stuff out on the curb, but since he doesn't have any place to even take it, that seems pretty mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:37pm

Well, on the bright side, he didnt demand the car!

I hope he comes back in the light of day

As an aside, it was weird when DS1 moved out, with our blessing and a nudge, to know how he was to re enter the house. Should he just come in or ring the doorbell; he had a key. I had never thought about it before it happened. He insisted on ringing the doorbell even when I told him he could just walk on in and thats just the way it is with him

DS2, who moved out for the summer, has never done anything BUT walk right in-personality difference I guess

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