help, help, help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
help, help, help
10
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 3:27am

Hi, can anyone share their experiences with me? I have a 13 yo girl who turned gothic, disrespectful, destructive and abusive over the space of two years. In January she took a handful of drugs, cut her wrists and swallowed the razors. After her week long hospitalisation, she ran away. I haven't seen her for two months now. The police and authorities seem to be keeping a track on her but as her mother I am devastated! I brought her up in a single child/single parent household. Times were tough but we survived. I never drank, smoked, gambled, brought men home etc etc but still she turned her back on our lives.

At first I was extremely sad, then confused, now angry that she won't come back. Of course I have been consumed by guilt wondering what I could've done differently. Now I am feeling guilty because I have been hurt so bad that I wonder if she did decide to come home, would I have her back? I know she has temporary housing with a friend of hers who has a son that plays in an emo band and takes drugs. I don't think this is an ideal placement for her but there is a lack of placements for rude teenagers (if she was 3 and cute she'd be taken in no worries). She maintains she hates me, but won't tell anyone why and she is adamant she can find a better mother.

I am heartbroken and I wonder if there are other parents who have had to endure this kind of rejection from their beloved kids and how they coped. I am not coping very well. I go to work to try to switch off and I go to the gym when I am very sad but other than that, I just cannot get my head around the behaviour or skills for weathering the storm.

Please help if you can, any suggestion would be gratefully received!!!

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: buloke
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:24am

I'm so sorry you are going through this - you must be heartbroken.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: buloke
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 11:04am

There is something about your post that confuses me. You say that "the police and authorities seem to be keeping a track on her..." and "I know she has temporary housing with a friend of hers..."

So you and the police know exactly where she is? In what state or province do you live where an underage child is free to live where she pleases? I have dealt with a runaway daughter in the past, and as soon as her whereabouts were discovered, she was brought directly home or to an inpatient psychiatric unit. I don't understand why she is being allowed to stay in a place where illegal drugs are available. Are there no juvenile facilities in your area?
This is not a case of a "rude teenager." This is a little girl who is in need of serious and immediate intervention. If she were mine she would be brought home or to a facility by the police or by private escorts ASAP.
Has she had any therapy or a psychiatric evaluation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: buloke
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:12pm
my thoughts exactly. In our state, this child would meet the criterion for "danger to self" that would lead to an emergency detention in a mental health unit for evaluation. It sure sounds like this girl not only needs counseling, but intense mental health treatment.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: buloke
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 1:58pm

I agree with others that this is a child who needs psychiatric help - gothic, self-abusive at 11-12 is extreme. I know that mental health resources are limited, but be aggressive in finding help for yourself and your daughter. I don't think this should be a police issue - it should be a mental health issue - find the resources in your state/community.

(((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
In reply to: buloke
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:27am

Hi, thanks for your response. I live in Australia where it appears we have few rights as parents. Here, because she has been involved in destruction of school property, shop lifting, fighting and other charming activities, she is known to the police who are informed when she skips school. They try to locate her and take her back. As far as me knowing where she is, I have been told by government officials and they support my daughter's choice of temporary accommodation.

I have tried to have her assessed by a psychiatrist but they will not diagnose anything as she is "so young" so my hands are tied with pushing for detention unfortunately. She has a team of social workers who she won't engage with so they are unable to do anything. Everything here is "gently, gently, we don't want to upset her". What about mum who is essentially impotent in this situation? The experts tell me they have got her involved in independant living classes but they seem to be doing little to reconnect the family.

I cannot express how frustrated I am by this whole affair!

Thanks for your input, anyhow. I appreciate you time.

Cheers, Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
In reply to: buloke
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:29am
Thanks Pam, I'll try there. Cheers, Stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
In reply to: buloke
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:38am

Thanks Rose for your comments. Unfortunately, it is not that easy here. As a 'danger to self' child she can be hospitalised but it is not a secure hospital and following the last suicide attempt, she simply walked out of the hospital after her week stay and was apparently doing ok. She came home, collected her things and took off. I think that was her way of punishing me for putting her in hospital in the first place. She then came under the care of the government who agreed to her current accommodation which expires at the end of April and have given her the task of finding herself her next placement if she doesn't want to come home.

I feel like they are happy to give a 13 yo full control. I cannot fathom that, as an adult, it is we who are supposed to be in control, not here I guess. Damn government. I guess we live on the wrong continent. It sound more helpful to parents where you are.

Cheers, Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
In reply to: buloke
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:44am

Thanks Sue for your hugs. I needed them. I agree with you, this should be a mental health issue but the way it works here, is that kids don't get diagnosed unless they are psychotic ect. They are seen rather, as behavioural problems and I have already been told by the paed as well as the psychologist that she is a 'normal teenager' who hates her mum. Well, that made me feel just great! I feel like I am banging my head up against the wall!

Cheers,

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: buloke
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 8:11am

Wow, I'm totally dumbfounded. Independent living classes at 13? Letting a 13 y/o find her own placement? I'm speechless.

When our 17 y/o foster son decided he wanted to stay here long term (originally we were a short term stop over for him) we had to jump thru all kinds of hoops to make that happen, even though he wanted it, his social worker wanted it, we wanted it, and his family didn't oppose it. It ended up working out well for everyone - well everyone but his bio family who wanted him to fail here - but it sure was a lot of work making it happen.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: buloke
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:28pm

I have to concur with the others.