HELP HELP HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
HELP HELP HELP
8
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:00pm

I just found out that my 16yo dd is pregnant! What are my and my husbands rights as far as she is concerned and the baby is concerned. I know that the legal age of consent in my state is 17, we don't want to file charges or anything, but we dont think its a good idea for her to be married or to quit school just becase she is going to be a mom. If anyone has been in this situation please let me know what you did.

MOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:27pm
I don't have any BTDT advice but just wanted to offer some cyber-hugs.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:49pm
I got pregnant w/ my DD(13) my Sr year in HS, I was 17, and delivered her 1 week prior to my 18th birthday (in the summer). I was actually able to stay in school and graduate before she was born. It was really tough, though. I switched to an alternative school for pregnant teens (I could have stayed in the same HS, but I felt more comfortable around other pregnant girls). I had to wake up an extra hour early to ride the bus to school, and stay 2 hours later than my regular schedule at the HS I was originally attending where I was on work-program.
Whats the deal with the father? What grade is your DD in?
I consider myself lucky, now. It was REALLY hard at the time, and the father flipped out a little and wasnt really there for me until the very end of the pregnancy, but my mom offered ALOT of emotional support. Me and the father of both my children(now my DH of 12 1/2 years) were able to work through everything, and we are VERY happy. He went on to further his education and supports us well. I managed to take a couple of college courses, but have always done odd jobs here and there that allow me to be with our kids full-time.
Having my DD at such a young age wasnt "ideal", but she has brought us so much joy, and I would not consider her a mistake. I was living a little wreckless, and I truly believe it was God's way of reeling me in and allowing me to suffer the natural consequences of my actions. I grew up FAST. Its not the end of the world. Its the beginning of a brand new life.
Give your DD a hug for me, and please do keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:11pm

You might also want to post this on the Troubled Teens board, because alot of moms over there have btdt. I also want to offer cyber-hugs to you, as this must be a very painful and difficult time for you.

The OP made a good point of "natural consequences" of her actions. I agree that dd should have to deal with these consequences. What I don't agree is when I see parents who decide to raise their own grandchildren, rather than give them up to a ready and waiting childless couple. I hope I'm never in your position, but I do not in any way shape or form see myself raising my grandkids. I would support my daughter, but not only would she have to finish school, she would need to get a job as well. Life would be hard and there would be no more fun (she would not be allowed to continue to go out with friends, etc. as some are). When you become a mother, everything changes, as well it should. Our district has an alternative high school for pregnant moms, and otherwise troubled teens. There was, however, a 9th grade girl last year who was pregnant at the main high school. My son told me that she brought in photos of her baby's ultrasound to show around (how surreal). This year, he doesn't think she's at the school any longer. She may have transferred, or dropped out....

I would also go after the birth father for financial help - you can go after him through the "system". Do not allow him to "skate" because you may not want his involvement in the child's day to day care, he should also have some natural consequences built in, so to speak. I also do believe he should suffer legal consequences if dd is a minor and he is not.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:44pm
wow that's tough. i was a pregnant teen (although ninteen and did manage to finish high school) and my current best friend was a pregnant teen (at 14!!). Our families dealt with it in two very different ways and as a mother of teens i have thought about this alot. My family basicly disowned me and were determined that i not only accept the consequences but they made it even harder on me than it really needed to be. i was absolutely alone and it made things so incredibly hard for us. my friend's parents did a better job of balancing. they did make her accept the consequences in that she did all the baby-care, went to school, worked, the baby was in daycare which she had to arrange, etc. BUT they allowed her to live with them and were loving and supportive of both her and their new grandchild. my friend became capable of much better self support for her and her baby much quicker than i did and the baby suffered less hardship, no welfare, blah blah. i would not raise the child for her or force her into making one decision over another. i would see what she wants, really discuss the options and make sure she is being realistic if keeping it and then do your best to love and support her in whatever decision she makes. forcing abortion, adoption or even keeping it will be detrimental. it is not the end of the world! both my friend and i have beautiful, fantastic, well-raised, well-adjusted teens and thank god for them all the time! as for the dad, that is a tough one. my friend let the dad skate - he never even knew. i married the dad against my better judgement and he did far more damage to us than he ever helped. many times i wished he had left and never came back. if he is under-age i would attempt to talk with his parents and hope no one gets stuck in the blame game. at 16 they both knew exactly what they were doing, they were just careless. i really liked the PP though who said her and the father stayed together and are still together - you never know. maybe good familial support? good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:56pm
Thanks! No, she cant get married without our consent and yes we have discussed everything, abortion is out of the question, she brought that up first, said it would never happen, and none of us wants to give the baby up. Just going to be really hard for everyone, especially her younger siblings. Hard to believe my twins will be 3 and be an aunt and uncle. YIKES
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:11pm

It sounds like you already know what you're going to do...good luck and best wishes.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:31pm

I also don't have any BTDT experience, unless you count my older sister who went throught it when I was really young. She gave her baby up for adoption and moved on with her life. That was 40 years ago and to this day she doesn't regret it at all. She said in the early years she had her doubts, but after a time she realized that it was the right choice and she went on to have a great life, got married (to a different man a few years later) and had to two sons who are awesome. Funny, we were just talking about it this morning - I would have been an aunt at 3!

Only you and H and your dd know how to handle this...day by day right now. After all the dust settles and you figure out what the next steps will be, then you can start helping your dd plan her future, with or without the father of her child. I too would be very averse to my dd marrying so young. I'd encourage her to stay in school (most schools offer at home tutoring once the mother begins to show until after the baby is born) so she can graduate with her class. Due to her age and educational requirements, she will likely be eligible for some financial aid from the state in regards to daycare, schooling, medical coverages, etc. You and she should take advantage of whatever programs are available for her as long as she continues to be a student. My old babysitter had a baby at 16 and went on to graduate with her class as an honor's student. She's now married to the father of BOTH her children for about 7 years and is doing great.

I realize this is an upsetting turn of events, but it doesn't need to be traumatic. Seeking a counselor may be a good thing to helpe everyone remain even headed and calm. Best of luck & many Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 6:01pm
In our high school the pregnant teens attend classes right along with the other kids unless there is a medical reason for them not to, then home tutoring is available until they deliver, they then resume their regular classes.