Help ! I'm scared
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| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:31pm |
I'm new here, and hope I can find some help. Here's my situation. I am in the process of a divorce(should be final any day). I have two kids. 14 yr old girl and 16 yr old boy. My son has been a basic piece of cake. No real problems. Good student, cautious, respectful etc. My daughter, well, is a whole different story. She is a freshman in HS, and while I knew it would be older boys that she would find attractive, her dad always said she couldn't date anyone older until she was sixteen. We have a shared custody arrangement, and I loose soooo much sleep when they are with him, because since I filed for divorce, he has changed into a complete different person. Anything the kids want to do is great. The older boy is no problem. Having kids over anytime is fine. She has even made friends with boys who are 20. Rumors are going around that she spent the night at a boys apartment with her girlfriend(who is nothing but trouble). She denies that this happened, and I want to believe and trust her, but I'm 98% sure she is lying, I just don't have any proof. I guess to sum it all up, life is a free-for-all when they are with their dad, but they don't play those games with me. They respect me and my rules, but walk all over their dad. It is tough to discipline them when they are only with me every other week, and their dad won't follow through or back me up.
I know I've rambled, but I'm scared, concerned and frustrated. What can I do? Anyone have any suggestions?
Brenda

Well, it sounds like your exh is suffering from a good old fashioned case of divorce guilt. IOW, he lets them do whatever they want so they like him and don't have harbor bad feelings towards him in relation to the divorce, upsetting the household, changing their daily lives, routines, etc. Even the simplest, nicest, and amicable divorces can have these results...the kids abuse the situation to thier favor by walking all over the easier parent.
I suggest you call a meeting with your exh and before you go, make an outline of which items are the MOST important that need to be discussed and stick with it. Do not name call or use any terminology that can be interpreted as you thinking he's not a good dad. In fact, if you think he's a good dad overall, say so, and then bring up the fact that a good parent would not waffle on issues discussed and agreed upon in the past regarding the raising of your children....yadayadayada.
If, on the other hand, you cannot possibly sit through a meeting with exh, then perhaps you can get your message across to him via your lawyer. Or a family mediator/counselor.
Best of luck. There is a board on iVillage for divorce and custody issues: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psdivorce?redirCnt=1
And also the stepfamily and divorce board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psbonusfam