$$$$$ HELP with irresponsible older teen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
$$$$$ HELP with irresponsible older teen
9
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 4:22pm

My DD--18, almost 19-- is a treasure. She is smart, talented, a joy to be around, works and goes to school at a college about 4 hours from home. So what is the problem that has caused me sleepless nights and a huge strain between us? MONEY!

Without going into all the details, bottom line is she cannot seem to manage her money- now to the point of lying to us. She has bounced checks and gone over her credit limit to the tune of hundreds of dollars. We have tried to sit down with her and figure out a budget, we have told her over and over she is living on too narrow a margin and beyond her means, etc. etc. We have loaned her money. This has gone on the entire school year.

Now for the crisis that has me in tears: She had a credit card that was charging her exorbitant interest - 44%. This company seems to specialize in preying on college students and then tacking on huge fees and interest for small mistakes. DD and I both got fed up; I said I would pay it off just to be done with it but she had to cancel the card. Weeks go by and she has one excuse after another why she hasn't cancelled the card. Come time for May rent (we pay room/board) and we said we would pay only on condition of cancelling this card and a couple of other things.

I asked her point blank and she said yes, she had cancelled the card. I got suspicious because she hadn't received any mail from the company (bills come to our address). I (big mistake, maybe) looked on line and sure enough, she had not only not cancelled the card but had racked up a huge bill.

I tried to ask her in a round about way to give her time to confess, but she figured out I had looked at her account and went ballistic and hung up on me. She called back and said she had made mistakes but then had to go to work. Since then, nothing. I have text messaged her that I know it's hard but we need to talk, etc. but she is ignoring me.

I am so sad and upset. I never would have dreamed money issues would have caused such a rift. This is the girl who used to call me daily and give me updates and was sweet to me. We want to tell her no more money because she did not keep the deal but I'm concerned that will alienate her even more. I'm really at a loss. She is supposed to come home for the summer and I suggested it would be a time to get on her feet financially but now I'm really worried she will not come home. She could probably afford to live on her own but there's no way she could pay us off. This is getting too long. HELP and thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 4:36pm

No, no, no! Don't pay it off! The first step to teaching your DD about financial responsibility is to NOT bail her out. The credit card debt is her problem. Tell her to apply for a NO interest credit card (most CC companies will offer a card at 0% interest for 6-12 months), and transfer the balance. Same thing goes for bounced checks -- the fees and fines are HER responsibility not yours. Secondly, agree to give her X amount of money per month, and do NOT give her anymore if she blows it all. Thirdly, if you are taking responsibility for any MAJOR bills of hers (rent, car payment, etc.), pay those bills YOURSELF -- do not give her the money. Trust me, if you stop bailing her out, she'll learn real quick how to manage her money. If this means letting her starve for a few days, or having to pay HUGE fees and fines for going over her limits, so be it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 5:00pm
Thanks, Wolverine. The bail-outs are definitely over. We have let her suffer for her mistakes (one pay period her entire paycheck was used up just bringing her balance to zero after bouncing so many checks.). She did spend some money that was supposed to go to school in the fall and as a consequence her entire tax refund had to go to us. I keep thinking she has hit bottom and gotten the message but maybe not. I can't believe I'm having to be so hard-nosed with her - makes me very very sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 5:02pm
Good heavens mother do the hardest thing in the world......CUT HER OFF. You would be doing her a HUGE favor in the long run. Pay her tuition and board if you like but

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 5:30pm

I agree that you are going to have to step back and let her literally pay for her mistakes. I also think you are on the right track trying to work with her on a budget, and acknowleging how hard it is. She may be very, very, very ashamed of the pickle she's gotten herself into and it's showing up as anger towards you. Keep trying to communicate with her...surely she will come around. Have you ever pulled any kind of bone-headed stunt like what she has? :) Perhaps you could let her know that you once "blah, blah, blah" so you know easy it is to get in a situation like that, and how you got yourself out of it. When my ds19 got his 1st checking account, then later, his first revolving charge card, he made all the mistakes I expected him to make. When we discussed them, I told him, yep, BTDT. We all have. Then we mapped out a plan. He's young yet, and is liable to get in trouble with a credit card one of these days and I'm gonna be singing your song. :)

I'm assuming there is no way you personally can cancel her credit card??? You might type out a letter cancelling it and have it there ready for her to sign (whenever she gets home), along with a pair of scissors. Once she signs it and cuts up the card, then *you* can mail the letter.

Oh, and one more thing...AACCCKKKK.....44% interest???? egads, that's hiway robbery! I totally understand *why* you want to bail her out. I *would* say to bail her out this once and have her pay you back, but you've already done that. She may just have to face the music on this one (but I would certainly keep a watchful eye on her account, make sure she is paying it down. Heaven forbid she chooses to ignore the whole thing).

Hopefully, she'll come home and use her summer wisely and together you can figure out a budget she can live with. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:36pm

I have heard parenting experts say not to set your child up for lying. They are usually talking about little kids but I think the concept applies. If your 4 yr old has her hand in the cookie jar, it is not the time to ask "what are you doing" and then punish the child for saying nothing or hiding the cookie behind their back

I think it is the same with the credit card. It would have been wiser to simply wait until she was home for the summer and have her cut it up in front of you. You have no control 4 hours away. But....hindsight is 20/20 so let it go and move on-dont hold her dishonesty against her

When she comes home, and I find it hard to believe she is making enough money to FULLY support herself so I am betting she will come home, focus on what to do to budget her money next fall. I would strongly suggest not bringing up your hurt or anger-again, its over and done with

Curious? What is she spending that much money on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:52pm

Thanks, you are right. I really do need to let go of the hurt. I do not think I set her up for lying - she had told me numerous times she hated that credit card company and was going to cancel the card. I thought it was reasonable that if I was going to pay it off (she owes us this money) that she follow through and cancel the card. Where I went wrong, though, is looking at her account. She is very angry as she sees this was an invasion of privacy. I probably should have just let her sink and pay the 44% interest. All these bad choices she makes means she is unable to pay back any of the money she owes us.

I so hope you are correct and she will see she needs to live at home. She's bringing home about $280 a week so we'll see.

Where does she spend the money? Well, beyond the bank fees, overcharges, etc., she buys the usual college stuff - gas, eating out, coffees, clothes, CDs - and other stuff I probably don't know about.

Appreciate all the input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:00am

Or you could do like my parents did, and don't pay it off and let the company cancel the card themselves, and let her live with the consequences (like I did).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:41am

I have often thought that all colleges should require freshmen to take a personal finance course. But since they don't, I've taken it upon myself to teach my kids. Just today, youngest DD and I had a conversation about mutual funds vs bonds vs CD's - she's just 18 and very opinionated about which is best! It was great and I loved every moment of it.

I would suggest this - write the cancellation letter, make her sign it, write the check to pay off the debt AND give her a copy of a personal finance book that she must read. (I personally would suggest one of Dave Ramsey's books. I don't follow all his prinicples but he has some very practical ideas for someone like your DD). Maybe make her read the book and discuss it with you before you write the check. Tell her this is the last time and mean it!! If she needs your help, you pay the bills directly yourself - write the check to the landlord, utility company, etc. Do NOT just give her the money.

Please keep in mind she's embarrassed and feeling a little immature. Call her every few days and just check in and tell her you hope she has a good day. Get her talking again before you lovingly give her the book.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 8:34am

I feel for you, been there, done that with DS S.