Help, I've raised a witch!
Find a Conversation
Help, I've raised a witch!
| Wed, 08-22-2007 - 9:23am |
DD is 16 & has, in the past year, emerged as insolent & disrespectful to me almost all the time. Chores don't get done without lots of reminding & then hassling, wearing my clothes without my permission, turning everything I say into fights, I feel like I'm walking around on egg shells. Even her friends tell her that she treats me badly. I wouldn't want to choose to be this girl's roommate at college. Finally, this morning, I was in tears because she treats me with such disrespect & I told her that maybe she should go live with her father. I know she doesn't want to do that, but I am so exasperated that I don't know what to do. I've told her I'm very disappointed in myself that I've raised such a thoughtless child. Any advice on how to work with a girl this age???
Carol
Carol

Hi Carol0454
I can totally relate to your situation right now. For several months, my 16-year old daughter treated me very badly, i.e., disrepectful, rude, refused to help with chores, etc. I, too, felt as though I had to walk on egg shells around her. It had gotten to the point she would only speak when asking for money...otherwise she had little to do with me. Then she decided she didn't want to go to college. I was at wits end. I prayed A WHOLE LOT (for her change and for my sanity). Eventually, I was able to convince her to meet with a counselor/mentor and I cut back my hours at work. I also set boundaries/ limits regarding what was acceptable behavior along with possible repercussions and stuck to them. Slowly but surely, she began changing the company she was keeping and her attitude has changed for the better. She's entering college as a freshman at the end of this week, and we went out to lunch yesterday, the first time in a long time.
Hang in there Carol...teen years are tough for the child and the parent. There are a lot of hidden pressures they may not even let on or even know how to handle them...counseling for yourself, your daughter and her father I believe would help. That along with prayer and time...a winning combination which have helped my situation and brought a peaceful atmosphere to the home that I hadn't had in a quite a while.
Hi Carol0454, and welcome to our board. I wish we had a "hot button alert" in the emoticons.....
I agree with a lot of what sabridge had to say but....
Grow a backbone mom!
Kelsie can get pretty witchy at times and I do mean with a capital B! Often it is right around and during her period, but that is still no excuse for rude and disrespectful behavior.
I have recently tried very hard to not let her get to me and I just tell her to leave the room or go to her room until she can speak to me in a decent manner. She goes and cools off and later is her usual sweet self.
She just started on BCP's and one of the things the dr. told her is that it may help with PMS and her moods. We are hoping so.
Hang in there Mom and lay down the law to her. Let her know you expect her to treat you well, with respect and if she doesn't there will be consequences. AND DO IT!!!
Good luck and come back and let us know how you are doing.
Kristie
My dd is pretty good most of the time except that she has her occasional tantrum and she also refuses to help with chores...just out and out REFUSES.
I would never dream of refusing to start dinner or clean the bathrooms or vaccuum the rugs when my mom gave me those jobs at an even younger age than her. My mom and dad both worked, we all had to pitch in and I just did was as asked around the house w/o question.
My kids also have two working parents and they also know that I am often worn out from having to work all day and deal with housework too. My son, who is 12, does occasionally help me out. He's very accomodating. My 16 yo dd on the other hand does NOTHING except clear her plates at dinner.
And its not like she has a valid reason (homework, job, etc). If I asked her to say, vaccuum the living room, she just laughs out loud and says "I don't think so!!!" as if I just asked her to bunjee jump off a bridge or something.
I often stand there with my mouth hanging open in disbelief. Where did I go wrong? Why doesn't this ungrateful kid want to pitch in? Did I spoil her?
I don't know. But lately I just say, alright, you don't do A, you don't get to do B. Ie...want your friends over? Clean your room. Want to go on the computer? Clear the table. So far its working and I am slowly escalating from small tasks to larger...she has to learn she has some duties in the house too!
Maybe before sending her to her dad (I'm almost ready to do that myself) recruit his help in disciplining her. Children tend to listen more when their father speaks. Good luck! Wish me luck too.
She is not a witch - she just knows you will love her no matter what. She is growing quickly into an adult and she and her friends are in fighting etc and you know what - it is easier to piss you off and fight than it is to fight with the friends. You, my friend, are a social safe house.
That being said - certainly have your own boundaries and when she get to the point where you feel enough is enough say "You cannot talk to me like that, come back when you can talk to me like a human." I would recommend the book "The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have" it helped me immensely when my son was struggling. Does it help you to know this realy isn't about you? Find a friend to talk to and help be your back bone - but most of all don't get sucked into her vortex so far that you cannot see what is really going on for her. When my son was like this he was actually dealing with depression - what we called this was being pulled into the rocks.
For the record she is not being thoughtless intentionally - this is actually a brain development piece to some extent. Leave her a written list of things - with details that need to get done. If they don't get done ask her why they did not. Is she working this summer? Does she drive? I would also gently suggest going to a counselor together - the counselor can facilitate the conversation and referee as needed. Also, could some of this be misplaced anger for her father that get projected onto you?
BIG HUGS
You are really not alone in this battle
Courtney
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
How does she have clean clothes if she does not do chores? If she is not doing them yet you really need to insitute a rule - backdate it if necessary :) because by the time kids graduate 8th grade they should have a full grasp of how to do the laundry.
You are crippling her for the adult world - sorry to be so blunt but this is actually what you are doing by doing everything for her. Why doesn't she have a job? Does she drive? Who pays for her insurance? You have to start requiring her to be responsible - and often through gritted teeth. Because you also have to be ok with things not getting done... becoming adult by Mihalyi Csikzentmilhayi I think would be good for you to read.
As the adult in a teens life there are many things teenagers have to learn in the road to adulthood - how to order in like Paris Hilton should not be one of them! :)
Courtney
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom