help! -my 13 yr. DD is watching porn!!

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Registered: 07-30-2007
help! -my 13 yr. DD is watching porn!!
7
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:49am
A couple months ago my 13 yr. old DD started a myspace page w/out my permission. Realizing the potential to keep tabs on her and who she's friends with, I let her keep it as long as she agreed to keep it clean and private, not post personal info, and not allow "friends" she does not personally know. I even started my own page to educate myself and see what she'd be exposed to. She's always had limits on the computer and thought I was being smart about all this but maybe not!
I received 4 posts on my bulletin board from my DD inviting me to check out these cool porn websites that are easy for teens to access! When I told her she got dramatic and emotional, swore sh didn't send those (said she'd been phished), and accused me of not trusting her. I told her even if she didn't send them, this was more than enough evidence that a 13 year old girl does not need access to myspace!
Well, I then decided to do a history check on her account and found that she subscribed to You Tube and had been watching porn videos. Not just porn, but hard core porn with young girls being forced and raped, girls tied up or with duct tape over their mouths to keep them from screaming. Video after video of violent sex!!
I really don't know what to do about this. I'm so sick over this I can't even talk to her about this because I don't know what to say. Anyone out there that's gone through this?
I could reallly use some advice. All she knows right now is that she's not allowed on the computer.I feel like I've lost my daughter. I have taught her right from wrong and sheltered her as much as possible from all the MTV- inspired lack of morals crap out there and right now I feel like it doesn't really matter what you teach them- you lose them anyway.
Avatar for bookwormmom
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Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:57am
Hello and I'm glad you came here. I have a dd who is now 17, but when she was about your dd's age she got into some pretty bad sites. She wanted to understand what porn meant and googled it. Well you can imagine what she got. She did admit that she watched a few things and looked at pictures, in fact she clicked into a site that cost us quite a bit of money. She was curious and once some of this came up on the screen she couldn't take her eyes off it. She only checked it out once or twice, but that was enough for her. To this day she regrets looking at the porn, it took away some of her innocents.
When this all happened we took away the internet for a very long time and had some long talks with her about behavior, what sex is really about, respect for women and other people etc.
I think you dd has gotten into quite a bit more than mine did and it sounds like a lot more graphic. Kelsie didn't see anything violent etc. And if your dd has watched these over and over that can't be giving her very good ideas about sex. I think I would talk to her right away, find out why she was watching these type of videos and maybe look into some counseling to deal with this whole thing.
Just my thoughts, I am sure others will be along soon to let you know what they think too.
Kristie
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Avatar for jbgattuso
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Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 1:36pm

Just so you know, the material that you recieved from your dd was most likley due to a myspace virus. This does happen, so she is probably telling you the truth on the fact that she didn't send them to you. That said, that is also how the porn sites probably got sent to her. Since you did a history check on the computer, you can see that she has gone more than once or twice and that is a problem. Please don't feel that you have "lost" your daughter. I would guess that she can "break" this curiosity now that she has been caught. You have to have that sit down talk about what porn really is and how it is degrading to the girls and boys/guys that are doing this. Now at the same time, I would re-iterate and remember that curiosity is normal, sexual fantisy is normal and don't make her feel too badly about having certain feelings. It is a time to talk about sex and feelings and having emotionally healthy feelings about all of it. I know how you feel, and I cried when I first caught ds on a porn site when he was 13. I felt sick. DH talked me down from those thoughts. When DS # 2 "found" those sites at exactly the same age 13, I realized that the thoughts and feelings were normal, it is just the acccess of the internet that makes it dangerous and unhealthy. Good luck, and these are just my thoughts :)

Julie

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 6:02pm

Your DH makes a good point Julie - IF the porn viewing is very limited.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 8:25pm

"HOWEVER, that still doesn't make it right, and some indepth conversations happened when I found my DSs checking out objectionable"

Oh absolutley Rose, the conversations still go on here just as reminders of the fact that it isn't something that they should be doing. I think DH just helped me not to view the boys sooooo horribly :)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 9:01am

Before you accuse your dd too harshly, there are viruses and emails and yes, as your daughter says, "phishing" sites that sometimes entice a person to open an attachment or click on a link thinking that the item is one thing when its really another. We actually got caught that way a number of times when we first starting using the internet and before installing firewall software as well as antivirus and anti-spyware applications on our computer.

I remember my son once, right in front of me, opening a fairly popular site, clicking on a link that looked harmless to go to something and getting straight into a fairly hardcore porn site!!!

Another time, a harmless click started about 10 pop-up windows going into various porn sites and no matter what we did ie we'd close one window and another would immediately pop-up in succession. We had dozens of windows open before I could stop it. And one of them even made their porn site our home page!!! It took me hours of virus cleanups, spyware cleanups etc to get rid of all the crap it left on my machine.

We even had an issue with a site installing a "dialer". The site was the very popular "Habbo Hotel" where kids would chat online on a cute page. The "dialer" had my PC make several long distance calls to a 900 number somewhere in Europe and I had over $70 of charges on my phone bill! My phone company actually then advised me to always unplug my PC from the phone line until I need to send a fax and then quickly unplug it again.

I just wanted to let you know it may not be your dd's fault it all. It was likely very unintentional. And while myspace is notorious for these kinds of things it isn't the only site that does it. Even reputable forums have links they don't always follow through and check.

So install a good pop-up blocker and anti-virus software on the computer. Download "spybot" -- it is a very good free spyware program. Run spybot at least two times a month to clean out the computer of crap. And also instruct your child to never open up an email or an attachment from someone who is not one of her friends because those bulk mailing programs often contain viruses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:31pm
Thanks for your reply and I think you may be right. I finally got up the courage to talk with her and she swore she wasn't looking at those sights. She said that some of her friends were having problems with being phished too. I don't know if I believe her 100% but she swears she didn't even sign up for You Tube. Is that possible to have things on your history that you didn't look at?? Maybe she was checking some of that stuff out but I really wanted to impress upon her how disrespectful and degrading that is to women. I realize I can't force her to a hard core feminist like myself, but I at least want her to know how to protect herself and not be lured by unhealthy attitudes, lifestyles, etc..Either way, the talk went well and she even agreed to wait until I buy some software for blocking that kind of stuff. Thanks to everyone for your support!
Avatar for weberdns0
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Registered: 08-25-2000
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:44pm
My experience is that he said that he wasn't watching it....but he was...and saving it in other files of the computer for future viewing pleasure.