I don't feel it is the responsibility of the boy's family to enforce your rules. You can chat and share thoughts about the process, but, if it is your rule, their time together needs to be under your watch. You can forbid her to go places with his family or you can put off dating for another year. That is under your control. How they parent their son is under theirs
Bottom line is she is your daughter, he is not your son. When they are with you, you can monitor that time. And also have a chat with dd about why this is so important to you. Impress upon her that it's not just about them being sexually active, it's also about her reputation, putting herselfi nto a vulnerable situation, etc.
I personally think it's okay to speak with his mom, but only if you already know one another. And be careful what you say and how you word it. YOu can simply tell her that you've discussed with your dd how you prefer all their time spent together to be supervised, etc., and then casually ask her what her views are. You do not have to get into how she's wrong or too liberal, etc., you can simply acknowledge her views and then move on to more neutral discussion. You cannot tell this woman how to raise her son.
Taking all this into consideration, obviously you feel that your dd is too young to be dating at all and be alone with a boy. You could forbid them to hang out altogether. And when your dd balks, then you can try to come to a fair compromise - one that assures you they are not up to no good and one that also allows her to date and spend time with this bf. IMO, 14 is pretty young to be spending one on one time anyway. My younger dd had a bf at 14, but all they ever did was sit on the couch and watch movies, listen to music and sneak in makeout sessions while I was making dinner. One time I left H in charge because I had to go out and when I came home, H was napping and they were in her room looking at old pictures. They weren't doing anything wrong, but I was peeved. I gave dd the look and she and the bf beat it out to the couch and H caught he// from me over that one! Haha.
As a BTDT mom, I can admit that I didn't always do it the 'right way', but I never put off talking with my girls about this stuff. It's so important to get the information out there and to let them know not only how you feel, but why you feel that way, kwim? Be honest with her and explain to her your feelings. She may roll her eyes and make faces, but at least you'll know she's listening and after you leave the room and she has time to digest what you've said, you may be surprised at how much she really understands. I know I have been pleasantly surprised to over hear my dds' say something almost verbatim that I have said to them over the years. It's nice. Hugs~
I've been the mom with the more lenient rules (for my then 18 y/o DS) that got "the talk" from his 18 y/o g/f's mom, so this is probably a bit of a hot topic for me.
I agree with the others to a degree. I don't expect anyone else to uphold my rules, unless I have spoken to them and they have agreed. If they agree to have my dd home or to not leave them alone then I expect them to uphold that agreement.
If there hasn't been any specific talk about rules I wouldn't expect them to necessarily follow my rules.
Here is my recent experience with a matter like yours. My dd is 17 (turning 18 next Friday) she asked could she go to her b/f's sisters home to watch a movie with them. Sister would come in to meet us and we could talk to her. Okay. Sis comes in and we talk to her, she makes it clear that she will be home and she lives with her Grandmother and she would also be there, so there would be two sets of eyes to make sure everything would be okay. She specifically said "None of that will go on in my home, we'll keep our eyes on them."
I guess all of this means is that we have to be aggressively responsible for our own, continue to teach and communicate and not depend on other parent's to enforce our rules or values. In some cases, I think it's okay to talk to other parents, but it should be kept light and friendly, and never, ever put another parent on the defensive.
I just deleted a whole, long paragraph on this subject, rambling as usual.
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I don't feel it is the responsibility of the boy's family to enforce your rules. You can chat and share thoughts about the process, but, if it is your rule, their time together needs to be under your watch. You can forbid her to go places with his family or you can put off dating for another year. That is under your control. How they parent their son is under theirs
Bottom line is she is your daughter, he is not your son. When they are with you, you can monitor that time. And also have a chat with dd about why this is so important to you. Impress upon her that it's not just about them being sexually active, it's also about her reputation, putting herselfi nto a vulnerable situation, etc.
I personally think it's okay to speak with his mom, but only if you already know one another. And be careful what you say and how you word it. YOu can simply tell her that you've discussed with your dd how you prefer all their time spent together to be supervised, etc., and then casually ask her what her views are. You do not have to get into how she's wrong or too liberal, etc., you can simply acknowledge her views and then move on to more neutral discussion. You cannot tell this woman how to raise her son.
Taking all this into consideration, obviously you feel that your dd is too young to be dating at all and be alone with a boy. You could forbid them to hang out altogether. And when your dd balks, then you can try to come to a fair compromise - one that assures you they are not up to no good and one that also allows her to date and spend time with this bf. IMO, 14 is pretty young to be spending one on one time anyway. My younger dd had a bf at 14, but all they ever did was sit on the couch and watch movies, listen to music and sneak in makeout sessions while I was making dinner. One time I left H in charge because I had to go out and when I came home, H was napping and they were in her room looking at old pictures. They weren't doing anything wrong, but I was peeved. I gave dd the look and she and the bf beat it out to the couch and H caught he// from me over that one! Haha.
As a BTDT mom, I can admit that I didn't always do it the 'right way', but I never put off talking with my girls about this stuff. It's so important to get the information out there and to let them know not only how you feel, but why you feel that way, kwim? Be honest with her and explain to her your feelings. She may roll her eyes and make faces, but at least you'll know she's listening and after you leave the room and she has time to digest what you've said, you may be surprised at how much she really understands. I know I have been pleasantly surprised to over hear my dds' say something almost verbatim that I have said to them over the years. It's nice. Hugs~
Hi,
Thanks all good advice,
Thank-you all again, keep the advice coming I appreciate it.
Edited 3/19/2008 12:25 pm ET by joannab2008
I agree with the others to a degree. I don't expect anyone else to uphold my rules, unless I have spoken to them and they have agreed. If they agree to have my dd home or to not leave them alone then I expect them to uphold that agreement.
If there hasn't been any specific talk about rules I wouldn't expect them to necessarily follow my rules.
Here is my recent experience with a matter like yours. My dd is 17 (turning 18 next Friday) she asked could she go to her b/f's sisters home to watch a movie with them. Sister would come in to meet us and we could talk to her. Okay. Sis comes in and we talk to her, she makes it clear that she will be home and she lives with her Grandmother and she would also be there, so there would be two sets of eyes to make sure everything would be okay. She specifically said "None of that will go on in my home, we'll keep our eyes on them."
How exactly would you feel about your DS @ 15 becoming sexually active with a 14 yr old?
I'd absolutely hate it, and do my darnedest to keep it from happening.
I guess all of this means is that we have to be aggressively responsible for our own, continue to teach and communicate and not depend on other parent's to enforce our rules or values. In some cases, I think it's okay to talk to other parents, but it should be kept light and friendly, and never, ever put another parent on the defensive.
I just deleted a whole, long paragraph on this subject, rambling as usual.
Hi Bookwormmom,
I know that they will find a way if they want to.
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