Help... Need guidance - suggestions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Help... Need guidance - suggestions
7
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:05am
I have 2 DS; one is 16, one is 13. My 16 YO is so disrespectful to us. I don't know where to turn. He talks back, refuses to do anything, curses at us, makes messes all over the house and refuses to clean them up, I could go on and on. But my biggest thing is the disrespect - and its affecting my younger son also. I don't know what to do and I am reaching a point of hatred toward him. He is making my life absolutely miserable. Any suggestions??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:34am

I don't know what to tell you except to tell you what I would do in a situation like this. I have four boys, 4, 11, 14, and 15. If one of mine were acting out like that I'd be in a couselors office either getting him someone to talk to or both of us in there trying to get to the bottom of it together. Having an impartial third party can help everyone sort out their feelings and help figure out what is going on.


I would also be yanking anything that they consider important. If it was one of my kids they would have no video games, then no tv, then nothing in their rooms except their clothes and a bed. I'd tell them that once they figured out how to express themselves in a respectful manner I'd return their stuff. I do this with all my kids. I pull tv's and games out of rooms A LOT but it works. Another thing I have done, depending on the seriousness of the offense, is take everything and require them to earn it all back. Manual labor works well around here. ;)


Finally, if I am arguing with a kid for awhile and I feel that attitude towards me for too long, I will make sure I tell them I love them and give them a hug. I am a groomer and when I'm at the end of my rope with a dog, my way of not losing it is to give that dog a hug and sometimes a kiss. It puts ME in a different frame of mind and allows me to be rational and not emotional. I don't know that this would work for anyone else but it's my way of keeping my head and trying to be rational in the midst of anger and frustration.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:20pm
Thanks for you input, I would love to get family counseling, but my DH does not want any part of it ( I think he might be a small part of the problem anyway). Sixteen seems to be the toughest age so far. You have your hands full! Maybe I should try the school counselor? We have tried taking away things and free time. We have taken away, tv's, mopeds, computer. He was grounded for 2 months in the fall. Since he's been ungrounded things have gone down hill. The only thing left that I haven't taken away is the cell phone and thats partly because he pays for most of it himself. This is a kid who has not let me hugged him since he was probably 11-12 years old. Except for New Years Eve this year when he got drunk and was very expressive? Which brings me to another problem here - Why do so many parents think its OK to buy alcohol for their underage kids or let other kids bring it into the house? I don't understand this. Every weekend is a struggle to refuse to let my son go to these "parties". Anyway back to the subject - I have yanked his moped but then I end up driving him to his part time job. If I let him use it, he lies to me about when he has to start working and when he will be done. Thanks again...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 1:01pm

I would think that as the Mom of an underage worker you would be able to ask for a copy of his work schedule from his employer. Requesting the hours to work along with the days to work. That would give you an idea of the times he needs the bike. He's not 18 yet, so you are really responsible for him and what he does.

If he doesn't like you meddling in "his business", then he needs to conduct himself in an adult manner and be respectful to his mother. I'd remind him that little children who throw temper tantrums get treated like little children, not almost grown men. He can be treated like a man when he begins to act like one.

I'm sure he likes the spending money. Is there any reason he needs the job other than spending money? If not, then if it were me, I'd make him lose the attitude or lose the job. Just go in to see the boss and make him quit, or quit for him. Take the bike away and don't take him and he won't be going. Then he can sit around all day twiddling his thumbs in his boring room looking at the bed and clothes.

I'd give him the options. If counseling is what's needed then do that. Tell him to either be more respectul or you're going to do x, y, AND z and then stick to it.

HTH

Sallie

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:20pm

Each kid is different and when you say he's being disrespectful, it's difficult to know what you mean by it. The messing around the house, the refusal to help out and clean up after himself? That I think I would target by not doing for him; not providing him with rides, money or privileges. Explaining to him that life is about being responsible to himself as well as others. Being part of a family means being part of a team. If he does not do his share, you will be unable to do yours, which means he will have to fend for himself in regards to getting rides or paying for his things, and doing his own laundry, etc (anything you do for him should cease).

I think when he asks for a ride to practice or whatever, you simply say, "Oh, no I can't do that. Guess you'll have to figure it out for yourself" and then go do something in another room. He's 16, if he really needs to get someplace, he will figure it out. I'd probably also remove any extras from his room, such as tv, video game players, etc., and lock them up someplace. I'd leave him his alarm clock and stereo, bed and dresser. No entertainment in his room period.

If he is cursing at you and verbally abusive, then I strongly urge you to seek professional help for him as that sounds like the beginnings of an anger problem that he needs to get under control ASAP.

Hugs - I hope you find a way to help him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:40pm

<<>>

I wish I knew the answer to that.

Recently I found out my DS had attended a small party at a 16 y.o. girl's house. There were 4 or 5 boys and her, locked up in her room, drinking vodka and smoking pot. DS says her mom knows all about it but doesn't care. It would seem she'd learned something when her other daughter got pregnant at 14, but I guess not.

My son went through a terrible period where he was disrectful, as well as other things (such as destroying the house, kicking dents in the car, etc). He's doing much better now at almost 18. I was told on this board a few times that eventually he would come around, and boy, were they right! So hang in there. Eventually they do start to realize that this respect thing goes two ways.

Welcome to the board.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:25pm

<<>>

This continues to baffle me.

About a year and a half ago, my son asked if he could go to a party. He bamboozled me good - because he knew my rules were that there had to be parents present...and if there was any drinking, he had to spend the night (I'm not so naive to believe that because I tell him NOT to drink he won't, or that his friends won't, but I don't want him getting in anyone's car, and I would like to think adults present would keep things in check).

He scammed me better than I've ever been scammed, putting me on the phone with someone who "pretended" to be the boy's mother (and sounded and spoke like a mother). She promised me she'd make sure there was little if any drinking, everyone would spend the night, and she'd keep things under control.

The next day, through the other boy's stupidity, I found out he had lied about parents being there at all. I was angry not only at him, but at his two friends (one male, one female) who had BROUGHT him to the party - and had stood there while he lied to me...which, in my opinion, perpetuated the lie.

(By the way, as way of "punishment," I did not ground my DS - because I work two jobs, and grounding him would have been useless - he'd have been smart enough to be home before I was. I did, however, follow him for a couple months...not all the time, but randomly. Every so often, when he told me he was somewhere, I'd either call the house phone of the place he was, go to the restaurant, drive past the movie theater, etc. - to make sure he was telling the truth...he never knew when I'd randomly "pop up," and he was obligated to call in, while he was out, ever hour. If he didn't, he knew I'd be in my car looking for him).

Anyway, my point? His friends could not understand why I was angry - not only could they not understand why I was angry at the lie, but they couldn't fathom why it bothered me that my 16 year old son was at a house party with a bunch of teenagers, drinking, with NO ADULTS (in fact, no one over 19). The legal ramifications aside, the thought that someone could have had alcohol poisoning, or could have fallen, or could have insisted on leaving drunk, still worries me - kids are not mature enough to handle these kinds of emergencies.

Althugh this post is long, this is my actual point. His female friend was 17 at the time, and I asked him and her what HER parents would do if they found out. Turns out they KNEW - and their only words to her were "be careful."

Some parents amaze me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:39am

You guys are all wonderful!!!! Thanks for all the information and hugs!! Yesterday was a real bad day here in this house, but we are trying to make it better. DS came home and said he doesn't want to fight anymore (don't know how long this will last, but I will take all I can get).

His job is for spending money only... Although if he wants to drive in 3 mos. he has to save up for car insurance which should probably be about 300-400 a month. He hasn't saved a penny yet. Plus he has a fairly new girlfriend which helps spend any money he has. I don't think I have to worry about him driving.

He's as stubborn as they come. If I tell him no rides, he will find one with someone that he knows I don't approve of. Laundry he usually does himself already. If he wants me to do he has to bring it downstairs to the laundry room (not a big deal). So he forgets to bring it down and then realizes at 9 pm he has no clean clothes, so he will do them himself. I don't really give him any money and recently I refused to buy him new sneakers because of his attitude and the fact that he has other shoes he can wear, but doesn't. He ruined an expensive pair of shoes by wearing them all the time instead of wearing other shoes - boots when necessary. He is verbally abusive - to myself and DH. I don't think I know any other kid that doesn't know when to shut up. He has to get the very last word in or the very last nasty comment no matter what. I look at him and say "what is your problem, you are a child and should respect us, don't you know when to shut your mouth!"

From what my DS says, some of these parents seem to think its OK for them to experiment with alcohol. They don't see a problem with it. I don't understand them. A few of my DS friends go to this island 3x's a year and I have seen videos of them being served in a bar at the age of 13-14 years old. They get wasted and the parents are no where to be seen and don't seem to care. But thats the way they are!

Also, my son asked "Why can't I sleep over so & sos house"? Duh... These kids have sleep overs so they can drink and pass out. I would rather pick up my son at 11 pm or whenever then allow him to sleep over (thats if he actually goes out - where is rare lately). We told him no more sleepovers - you're too old! There is going to be a major epidemic of alcoholism when are teens are older!!