Help! Need opinions and guidance.

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Registered: 07-21-2006
Help! Need opinions and guidance.
24
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:31pm

First quarter grades came out this week and my dd (15, and a freshman in high school) received 4 Fs and 2 Ds. What is a mom to do? She is not (and has never been) academically motivated, yet she says she wants to do well and that she wants to go to college. Punishments (i.e. restrictions and take away privileges) and rewards (money and the promise of a car if she does well) don't work. Ernest conversations about the importance of doing well, do not work. Casual conversations about doing well, do not work. Offers of assistance are refused. Questions regarding homework are always answered with "I did it at school" or "It's not due until . . ." or "I know, I'm going to do it". When I ask her to show me the homework that she says is finished, it has always been left at school. My dd is not dumb - she has at least an average level of intelligence! Last year, in 8th grade, I had the school test her to see if she had a learning disability. The answer: no. She was diagnosed ADD during kindergarten and had been on medication since that time. However, once the school said she did not qualify for any special assistance, I went to a psychiatrist for the purpose of having her independently tested. The psychiatrist said she did not need to be tested, that he could tell she did not have a learning disability just by talking to her, and he told her to stop taking medication. Since neither my dd nor I could notice any difference on or off the medication, I did not disagree with that action. However, because I did not like this guy, my dd and I stopped going to him. But what if she needs to be on a different medication? What if there IS something that could be done to help her and no one is doing it? My dd is VERY resistant to more counseling and more testing. She claims there is nothing wrong with her and that she can get her grades up. (But of course, she never does). She barely passed 8th grade. Do I just let the natural consequences fall and have her repeat the 9th grade if that is what happens? "Love and Logic" theories say never to be more concerned than the student is about school work. Well, if that is the case, I should have no worries at all, because SHE doesn't seem to care!! I am so tired of talking to school counselors, teachers, outside counselors, family members, having her tested and retested, etc. I thought I would post here first before I begin yet another round of confrontation with school authorities. Also, just for the record here, prior to the beginning of 9th grade, I tried to get her into a private school that specialized in kids with ADHD and other disabilities, but the school rejected her. When I asked why, they said she had too many mental issues that they were not prepared to handle. The school has a good reputation, although I have to admit that I don't fully understand their reasons for rejecting her. The only positive to the rejection is that my dd did not want to attend the school and it is incredibly expensive (more than $17,000 per year). She currently is in a public school (which is also supposed to be a very good school). I am in the process of getting a tutor for her and interviewed a young man yesterday. On the down side - he is 16 and is a "C" student. On the plus side - he is someone my dd could relate to, he was honest with all the questions I asked of him, and he showed up right on time. What do you think? Should I give the tutor a try? It feels like my dd is slipping through the cracks and I am having a hard time seeing her with a "good" future if nothing changes. Any recommendations?

Amelia

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Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:07pm

Thanks for your response, mjaye2002! I am renewing my efforts to get my daughter some help and hope to soon have more information on how to proceed. What, may I ask, medication was your ds on? My dd started off on Ritalin, and stayed on that for approx. one month, and then was put on Adderall. The dosages were increased as she got older, but after she reached middle school, it was hard to see any difference, on or off of medication. Maybe another one is what it will take, who knows? I'll keep ya'll posted.

Amelia

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:25pm

After having gotten one LD child thru the school system and another, more mildly affected one currently in it, I have come to the conclusion that there really is not such thing as "learning disabilities" but the problem is really a "teaching disability."

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Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:25pm

Oh, you are so right that the 504 plan is pretty worthless! I am trying so hard this year to get my ds an IEP to get him through high school. It's a major battle, I hired someone to do testing, now they get to do their own, then we meet again and discuss and: I think the odds are great that they will deny him an IEP based on what I believe will be their "slanted" test scores. One of the things I've learned is that they can add up scores together (from say the language testing, and the math, etc.) to give what appears to be an overall "higher" score than reality. We may have to look at hiring an attorney. I can't see why ds should suffer because they deny him services. I have to admit I haven't read the laws behind No Child Left Behind and I doubt I would understand them anyway!

Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:40pm

> > I have come to the conclusion that there really is not such thing as "learning disabilities" but the problem is really a "teaching disability." < <

~~standing up, clapping wildly. Amen, Sister, Amen!~~~

Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:52pm

He started on a very low dose of Adderall twice a day (I've since forgotten the actual #). We increased it every, oh, year or so, and then when he hit Jr Hi (here, that's 5th grade) we went to Adderall RX (?--the time-release one) and did that for a couple of years. We started trying to switch him to Strattera the end of 7th grade, but he really really hated that one. So, the start of 8th grade year, we elected to go without meds. The thing w/ ds15 was, he just needed help in paying attention in class. He didn't take the meds during weekends or during the summer. That was my favorite thing about Adderall. The Strattera had to be taken every day, without fail. And, as all meds, it affected ds15 differently than it affected the next kid.

And your dd may not be ADD, she may have something else entirely going on. And, honestly, if you really no longer see a difference in taking the meds or not, I totally agree with stopping them. At least until you are satisfied that you have gotten to the root of the problem, whatever it might be.

Bless your heart, I so feel for you AND your dd.

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Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 6:38pm

I’ve been following these posts with interest as my DW has taught middle school special ed. for 30 years. First, I agree 100% that you need to advocate. Please let me share a few observations from the other side of the table. SE services and quality tend to vary dramatically by district. DW’s district gets a heavy inner city pull and a significant amount of her case load is short term who either move, or go to a level 4 program, or end up in juvie.
When she first started, she had a manageable case load of “actual” learning disability kids, with the difficulties many of you describe in your posts. LD and EBD (emotional behavior disorders) were two separate programs with separately trained staff. Now due to budget problems, everything is combined and she gets ridiculous class sizes of 20-25 of some of the worst behavior problems imaginable. EBD kids do not respond to, nor do they conform to traditional rules such as not interrupting, not discussing inappropriate subjects in the class (like who they had sex with last night), basic social cues are missed, they swear, they do not respond to correction, they walk out of the classroom if upset, they fight, they throw the assignments on the floor declaring them “bull***”..(the list is endless..)
I’ve asked her, Why aren’t they suspended or at least disciplined?
They are protected from discipline by their disability. No action can be taken without a manifestation meeting to determine if the behavior (i.e. slamming the classroom door so hard it breaks the hinges) is due to their disability. Once a kid is put on an IEP, he is estopped from the usual disciplinary measures, accountability and consequences of regular ed kids without a lot of time consuming due process.
She is committed to concentrating on the kids such as yours who want (sometimes reluctantly) and need help. LD by nature is associated with a smattering of behavior problems, that she is fully trained and extremely effective in dealing with. However it’s extremely challenging to provide subject matter tutoring and coping skills to LD kids when over half of the classroom is EBD.
Along with the drain of the classroom behavior, she (her department) gets it from the regular ed staff, many of whom do not understand the federal laws surrounding special ed rights. She has been told before to “Fix her kids. They’re disruptive and loud.” lol. They are not “her kids”, and if she could “fix” them she’d be writing books. Seriously, if it were up to her, she’d take ALL the LD; each and every one just as you are describing in all of your posts. Her own coping methods are to manage crowd control for the EBD and and the same time teach those who are mentally able to access it. It’s quite a juggling match.
Even after all these years, she needs about an hour to decompress at the end of the day. Then she spends a good part of the evening completing the oppressive paperwork required by law to maintain the ridiculously inadequate federal funding that would be pulled if not done correctly.
The histories of some of these kids are heartbreaking. And staff wants to know why these kids don’t do school? They’ve got to be kidding. I’ve repeatedly asked her to quit or at least move to our district. Sometimes it looks just too much. She won’t hear of it. DW even spends our money for much of the classroom materials. Several years ago, we looked into adoption of one of her students. I can’t describe here what his home life was like, but use your imagination and multiply the horror by a thousand. I simply don’t have the energy to be that drained at the end of a workday. I honestly don’t know how she does it. We have also been on the other side of the special ed table with our oldest DS faced with deafness and schizophrenia. DW controlled those meetings. I sat there. They threw us the usual intimidating bones which DW handled easily.
With all that said, you need to fight. If your kid is not miserably failing everything, the assessment team and the school psychologists will usually do their best to convince you that your child does not need services. The load on these departments is so great, they do nothing proactively; the simply react to the path of least resistance.
Take Rose’s advice. Learn your rights and demand to be heard. Special Ed departments are great at denying another addition to their workload, but they are deathly afraid of lawsuits. They don’t have the resources or the manpower.
Once you crack that first line of defense and get an IEP, hopefully your child will get a teacher like DW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 6:27am

God bless your DW Daddioe!

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Registered: 03-27-2005
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 8:03am

My thoughts here are:
1. You need to insist that you will be helping her not just offer your help. Accepting your help is not something she should be allowed to refuse. She needs to see you are vested in her and her future even if she isn't at this point in time.

2. Contact all her teachers and explain that you want to take the neccessary steps to help your dd get back on track. Ask for assignment lists, test dates and report due dates to be sent to you via YOUR email account. Also be in constant contact with the teachers. Take the time and email each one of them every single week for an update on her progress.

3. Tutoring. I do not recomend using a 16 year old Boy who is a C student as a tutor for your 15 year old dd. He's not that good a student and probably doesn't have the neccessary study skills himself... much less the abilty to help your dd learn time management, follow through, study skills, note taking etc.. I would contact your school and any other resources you have.. such as a local church and inquire if there are any retired teachers out there who would be willing to tutor your dd. You need someone who can not only teach the material to your dd to help her get caught up, but also teach her the neccessary skills for her to be successful on her own once she is caught up.

4. I would discuss with her her life goals. You mentioned he says she wants to go to college. What does she want to do? where does she want to go? etc.. Help her see things beyond the right now so that she can set goals for herself.

jmo
stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 3:34pm
Your DD sounds like a hands-on learner, and unfortunately, our students get less and less of that in the higher grades. (The reason my son likes his IB Chem teacher so much is that he uses legos to explain things--how wonderful to have a teacher like that!) There is something that's turning her off to schoolwork, and my guess is that it's just too hard to do the visual (reading, paper, pencil) work when her brain is not wired for it. Middle school is when these problems usually begin to surface as the children do less hands-on stuff at that age, and they are expected to do more independent study that involves reading and writing. We know this is also the age at which our kids decide they have to belong to a group and be like everyone else. That means they don't want to follow along with a finger while reading, or ask for clarification, or take 30 minutes to read something when the rest of the class is done in 15 minutes. As others have suggested, it would be best to have her tested by a psych/neuropsychologist and you'll probably learn that there is some LD behind her low grades. Once you begin to treat the problem, the academic improvement may be very slow, but her confidence and motivation should improve within months. That will give you and her peace of mind, and the hope to stick with it.

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Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:36am

I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who responded to my post!! I met with the mental health counselor this morning and she referred me to someone who can do a complete assessment on my dd. Once we identify what is going on, we can start to deal with the "problem" in an appropriate way. I feel so much better! So, please know that I truly do appreciate all the advice you have given me! Bless you all!

Amelia