Help! Need opinions and guidance.
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| Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:31pm |
First quarter grades came out this week and my dd (15, and a freshman in high school) received 4 Fs and 2 Ds. What is a mom to do? She is not (and has never been) academically motivated, yet she says she wants to do well and that she wants to go to college. Punishments (i.e. restrictions and take away privileges) and rewards (money and the promise of a car if she does well) don't work. Ernest conversations about the importance of doing well, do not work. Casual conversations about doing well, do not work. Offers of assistance are refused. Questions regarding homework are always answered with "I did it at school" or "It's not due until . . ." or "I know, I'm going to do it". When I ask her to show me the homework that she says is finished, it has always been left at school. My dd is not dumb - she has at least an average level of intelligence! Last year, in 8th grade, I had the school test her to see if she had a learning disability. The answer: no. She was diagnosed ADD during kindergarten and had been on medication since that time. However, once the school said she did not qualify for any special assistance, I went to a psychiatrist for the purpose of having her independently tested. The psychiatrist said she did not need to be tested, that he could tell she did not have a learning disability just by talking to her, and he told her to stop taking medication. Since neither my dd nor I could notice any difference on or off the medication, I did not disagree with that action. However, because I did not like this guy, my dd and I stopped going to him. But what if she needs to be on a different medication? What if there IS something that could be done to help her and no one is doing it? My dd is VERY resistant to more counseling and more testing. She claims there is nothing wrong with her and that she can get her grades up. (But of course, she never does). She barely passed 8th grade. Do I just let the natural consequences fall and have her repeat the 9th grade if that is what happens? "Love and Logic" theories say never to be more concerned than the student is about school work. Well, if that is the case, I should have no worries at all, because SHE doesn't seem to care!! I am so tired of talking to school counselors, teachers, outside counselors, family members, having her tested and retested, etc. I thought I would post here first before I begin yet another round of confrontation with school authorities. Also, just for the record here, prior to the beginning of 9th grade, I tried to get her into a private school that specialized in kids with ADHD and other disabilities, but the school rejected her. When I asked why, they said she had too many mental issues that they were not prepared to handle. The school has a good reputation, although I have to admit that I don't fully understand their reasons for rejecting her. The only positive to the rejection is that my dd did not want to attend the school and it is incredibly expensive (more than $17,000 per year). She currently is in a public school (which is also supposed to be a very good school). I am in the process of getting a tutor for her and interviewed a young man yesterday. On the down side - he is 16 and is a "C" student. On the plus side - he is someone my dd could relate to, he was honest with all the questions I asked of him, and he showed up right on time. What do you think? Should I give the tutor a try? It feels like my dd is slipping through the cracks and I am having a hard time seeing her with a "good" future if nothing changes. Any recommendations?
Amelia

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Okay, up front I apologize because I haven't had time to read all of the responses so far. My advice would be to focus on what her real issues could be. Motivation, organization, study skills, etc. Kids aren't born with these skills and maybe she could use a crash course it all of them!
First of all I'd ban all outside activities until her teachers report to you that she's passing each class. Motivation.
Next, if she doesn't already have one get her a day planner and have her write down the day's assignment for each class including homework or NO homework and require each teacher to initial each day for each class (this will take some phone calls/email). Organization.
Next work on study skills. If she doesn't bring home what she needs to complete each assignment, no tv/computer after school. You'll need to sit with her and help her get started on each assignment and be willing to dedicate both time and patience to helping her and going over each assignment until its done to YOUR satisfaction. It won't be easy but you need to stick with it.
I don't agree that you shouldn't put more interest in their school work that they do (unless it's a third grade science project). They learn values from you and if YOU aren't putting schoolwork up high as something important, then why will she? Does she want a nice phone? Clothes? Car? Everytime she makes a comment or admires something, use that time to remind her that if she works hard at her education, then she'll have the skills to get a job doing what she WANTS instead of what she can get...and she'll be able to afford nice things! This promotes self-reliance down the road. Once she realizes she actually CAN suceed in school, her self-esteem will probably rise and she'll have a more positive outlook on what she can acomplish in the future.
Hope this helps and doesn't offend..
Denise
Edited 11/6/2006 12:35 pm ET by woodbabe
Edited 11/6/2006 12:38 pm ET by woodbabe
from: mom_dragonfly to: diamondslb date: Nov-3 4:17 pmreplies: 22
If a teenage does not want to do better and is content with getting C's & B's or D's could that be a sign of a learning disability or is that just him being a stubborn teenage. My 16 DS does minimum work with minimum effort at school sometimes just scraping by with 70's. He shows no signs of wanted to do better and has now committed himself to not being able to get into college. My younger DS studies hard and gets straight A's - he is focused and knows what he has to do and gets it done. I never understood why my older DS is so unfocused, sloppy, lazy and unmotivated. The only thing that actually motivates him is if he is working on engines/motors/mechanical stuff (cars - bikes, motorcycles - 4 wheelers - etc.) He is very mechanically smart, but I hate to see him pursue a career in this field as I know it is very hard work and down the road he will get tired of it. I have always wondered if he might have had a LD. Last year I took him to a Dr. to be tested only to find out it was just a consultation. Dr. said he might have ADHD but I would have to bring him for further testing and could not afford to do so. Insurance was not covering it. Since he's a JR this year, I have given up on him. We have embedded in his brain how important this school year is and he shows no effort to improving. His attitude towards me has run me down and I can barely tolerate him no less help him. Sorry no guidance here, just me needing to vent.
Yes, the private evaluation will cost you.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
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