help needed - teenage boy
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| Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:20am |
Hi all, I'm new here and I just want to get some advice for my sister, who has a teenager aged 15.
She has been at her wits end, and asking me for advice, but I don't have kids so I don't know what to say!
The deal is, her son has been asking her questions about why he was circumcized, and what beenfit it is supposed to have. She just doesn't know how to answer him.
It started when some girls at his school started teasing the boys about being circumcized. They were saying things like 'boys have to get done because girls prefer it and it stops you from playing with yourself.' They were also saying really horrible stuff like 'you had your foreskin ripped off by the midwives, with no pain relief'.
My sister had bought her son a computer for his bedroom, with internet access, and she checked the history, and found loads of websites saying that circumcizion is 'mutilation', and 'barbaric', and that there is no medical reason to do it. She also found some really sick stuff saying that it gets done so that men can't masturbate.
The boys father is not around, and my sister never remarried, so she doesn't have a man who can talk to him about this kind of stuff.
He came home from school last week and said to her 'mom, why did you take away my right to choose?'
I mean, what the heck do you say to that?

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How odd. It certainly wasn't anything I thought (or forbid TALKED) about when I was a teen girl.
What are your sister's reasons for having him circumcised? She should just tell him those. And we all know it has nothing to do with masturbation and surely he isn't buying that nonsense.
Some things are just done and can't be taken back. He might be angry for awhile, but he'll get over it.
I didn't plan on having my son done, but at 3 weeks the doctors thought he was experiencing kidney problems and that a circ might help. Being as I'd just watched a 6 inch needle stuck through his abdomen into his bladder the day before, I was scared and agreed. Turned out they were wrong... and I've always wondered if he'd be happy now if it had never been done.
Maybe Daddio will jump in here and help!
zz
Poor guy! Kids are so cruel! Well, my reasons for circumcizing my son (18 years ago mind you) were not of a religious nature but more medical. I was told that an uncircumcized penis was more prone to infection if the skin was not pulled back and cleaned on a regular basis. Now, two of my girlfriends both had boys and did not get them circumsized. Both of them had to take their sons in at around age 5 or 6 and get it done due to recurring infections they'd been having. Believe me, that was NO picnic! I'm not saying it happens with all boys but it can happen.
So I would tell your sister to tell her son about the medical reasons behind it, the cleanliness involved with an uncircumsized one and maybe that will ease some of his concern.
thanks for the replies ladies, it helps just getting someone elses take on the situation!
Unfortunately, my sister tried to tell him it was done for medical reasons, but that just made him even more angry.
He told her that the american association of paediatrics says that there is no medical benefit to it, that canada stopped doing it years ago, and that no where else in the world does it other than israel! (and the muslim countries - but he doesn't seem to count those!)
Geez, that is one well-informed kid - I can't even get my email without the help of the IT guy...
I think the biggest problem is the internet. If he hadn't been able to find out all this information it wouldn't have been a problem.
I have to wonder about 15yo girls who are discussing boys' penises! Why on earth do they even care? Do they have that much sexual experience that they really can make a qualified statement as to the pleasure factor on circumcised vs uncircumcised penises? Regardless of how much times have changed, I don't this this is an appropriate topic of conversation for girls this age.
Anyway, your sister should just try to explain to her DS that she did what she thought was the right thing for him at the time. Children don't come with instruction booklets and she probably took the advice of her doctor, parents or others who have btdt. She might also consider making an appointment for him with a male physician who can discuss it with him from a medical point of view.
Yikes.
Geez! I agree with the others - what in the world got these girls talking about male anatomy and your nephew's in particular? My son was 8 years old when I adopted him and because virtually every man I knew had been circumcised, I just took that to be the "normal" look of a man. The doctor also confirmed that there were medical benefits to surgery and stressed that cleanliness would also be easier. Therefore, my ds was circumcised at the age of 8. And I may be mistaken, but I think all his male friends have also been circumcised, so once again, it is how almost "everyone" looks. He has not expressed any complaints or regrets to me. I am sorry that your nephew is being teased. Many, many, many men have had this procedure done. Good luck!
Amelia
ummmmm, your nephew sounds like he already knows the ins and outs of circumcision. He isn't really asking why your sister did it, rather it sounds like he's looking for an apology. Your sister should have a frank discussion with him on his feelings toward circumcision, rather than why it was done.
On the other hand, she's the one who did it to him, she should have to answer for it. FWIW I am not in favor of circumcising children and I do believe parents should answer for it. Just because circumcision is the "norm" (it isn't) doesn't relieve the parent from the responsibility of having to explain their actions. This teenager deserves a respectful discussion.
Please let me underscore that if a parent decides to circumcise their child for religious reasons, I am NOT confronting that. I am NOT knocking your religion. I do think children deserve to have the discussion with respect. I am not trying to debate the circ/uncirc thing as nobody can "win" and nobody has a time machine. Betty
PS why on earth girls are discussing his penis is ridiculous. He should tell them to grow up and refuse further
Maybe your sister could turn it back around on him, rather than defend herself to him. Ask him why in the heck is he letting a bunch of goofy girls who know *nothing* about boys and penises and circumcisions get to him??? If he wants to let them get his goat over this, well, then that's his choice...but you can't imagine that he would let *this* be such a big deal. Good grief...what do *they* (meaning the girls) know?
And this business about "taking away his right to choose????"..oh please. I think he is a 15 year old boy that has found a way to make his mom uncomfortable and is taking it as far as he can. I would spend very little time defending myself on this one. As to referencing the internet I would tell him if he believes everything he reads on the internet, then maybe he's not ready for it. Perhaps it needs to come out of him room. If he persisted, I mean really persisted, I would probably say something along the lines of, "well, if you are that upset over it, save your pennies and when you turn 18 and have enough money, get plastic surgery and have it put BACK. Until that time, shush."
Forgive me if the boy is truly earnest about this. I just can't fathom that he is truly that upset over it. But, I could be wrong. I've been wrong before, and I will be wrong again. :)
There is room here for quite a few discussion opening lessons for this young man.
I’d make an agreement with him….You’ll be perfectly honest about answering his concerns if he is perfectly honest with you in asking them.
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Teasing “specific” boys because they “know” they’ve been circumcised?
Or teasing in general about something they obviously know nothing about?
The former speaks volumes that these kids are too immature to handle sexual relationships. If the girls “know” which boys have had this procedure, then humiliate them….well you know what to say to him about that.
The latter is an opportunity to educate him. The comments they said are ridiculous.
Here is a perfect opportunity to teach him the irony of the “information age.”
Anyone with something to say can post anything on the internet, regardless of experience, knowledge or credentials. One of the most valuable skills he can learn today (and the school system miserably falls short), is the ability to disseminate information, retain what is valuable, and discard what is meaningless conjecture.
Out of curiosity, I googled the topic and had to laugh. There has actually been a book written about the “psychological damage” caused by this procedure. Funny…I don’t know any male who remembers his circumcision or was “traumatized” by it. But hey..if you have emotional problems why not blame your penis. Sensationalizing with terms like “barbaric mutilation” do nothing to educate. Here is the best link I could find. Perhaps there are others…
http://www.webmd.com/hw/raising_a_family/hw142530.asp
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He didn’t have a right to choose his strained carrots or strained beans…or be breast fed or bottle fed. As parents, we make the best choices we can based on the information at hand. The real bottom line question for this boy is if he truly has been damaged by this procedure. Yes..it is medically unnecessary but culturally acceptable. Does he have the maturity to disregard the “trama” imposed on him by his misguided web reading and accept what is?
My three are not circumsized and, from everything they have told me, they are in a very distinct minority among their peers so I don't know why he or the girls would find his situation odd.
And the older two did ask when they first noticed(second gradeish)I explained my reasons and we moved on
If I had serious doubts or regrets about my decision, maybe I would have reacted differently to their questions and I wonder if that's the case with your sister. Did she not want to do it, perhaps, and was talked into it by a SO and has always felt uneasy about the decision???
And I find the midwife reference odd as well-again, not mainstream for my area.
Is this school of a specific culture/belief system or something? I can't fathom any of the teen girls I know referencing anything other than "doctor" or "hospital"
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