help needed - teenage boy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
help needed - teenage boy
28
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:20am

Hi all, I'm new here and I just want to get some advice for my sister, who has a teenager aged 15.
She has been at her wits end, and asking me for advice, but I don't have kids so I don't know what to say!

The deal is, her son has been asking her questions about why he was circumcized, and what beenfit it is supposed to have. She just doesn't know how to answer him.

It started when some girls at his school started teasing the boys about being circumcized. They were saying things like 'boys have to get done because girls prefer it and it stops you from playing with yourself.' They were also saying really horrible stuff like 'you had your foreskin ripped off by the midwives, with no pain relief'.

My sister had bought her son a computer for his bedroom, with internet access, and she checked the history, and found loads of websites saying that circumcizion is 'mutilation', and 'barbaric', and that there is no medical reason to do it. She also found some really sick stuff saying that it gets done so that men can't masturbate.

The boys father is not around, and my sister never remarried, so she doesn't have a man who can talk to him about this kind of stuff.

He came home from school last week and said to her 'mom, why did you take away my right to choose?'

I mean, what the heck do you say to that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:25pm

I'm just going to toss this out there about the girls. It might be that they're very sexually inexperienced and just found out what circumcision is, and that's why they're talking about it. My DD and a couple of her friends found out about it when they were about 14, and the whole concept both facinated them and grossed them out for a week or so - and then they moved on to other things. I don't know if they said anything to the boys at school, but N made a comment re:circs at home, and one of the boys popped up with "you DO know that all your brothers have had it done, don't you?" and that was the end of that.

I see no medical reason for rountine circs, though yeah, my DSs are... it was what was done at the time. I think that young man needs to be told that mom is sorry that he's unhappy with the decision she made when he was a baby, but she was doing what she thought was right at the time.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 6:23am

Thanks again for all the comments, guys, you have all said something helpful.

I've done some research myself, and I've decided that teenage girls and young women today are completely different to how we were at that age!.

I blame magazines like Cosmopolitan that have started selling a brand of sexual assertiveness and aggression to girls. Male circumcision seems to be viewed now as a female sexual preference which should therefore be forced on men without their consent, despite the fact that its now known to have no benefit.

I agree with the person who said that these girls are clearly sexually immature, have probably just found out about circumcision, and are fascinated by it. They must have got stuff off the internet too.
They have found a way of intimidating and embarassing boys so they are using it to their advantage.

My sister is planning to take away his internet access before it does any more damage. He is obviously angry and confused, but I think shes going to just let it pass.

He won't say whether he is still being teased, but I personally think its still going on, and I can't see how it will stop.

I just hope he doesn't stay angry for the rest of his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:12pm

Sometime yesterday I had another thought about this one. Could it be that your nephew has heard and read enough about this and is somehow concerned that his circ will somehow affect his ability to sexually please and/or satisfy his partners someday? If he is listening to and believing what these girls are saying, I could see how this might be an issue ... although it is my understanding that 16yo boys are mostly concerned with their own satisfaction and that concern for thier partners doesn't come until sometime later in life.

So, perhaps it would be time well spent for your sister to explain to your nephew that more often than not, a woman's sexual fulfillment is as much a mental and emotional thing as it is a physical thing.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:28pm

I have to disagree with blaming the internet for this. Taking away the source of information is not the answer, imo. Dealing with it directly, and keep talking to him, is more in line.

I also disagree with blaming magazines.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:44pm
I don't know that I'd go as far as "blaming" the magazines, but I'll say that the little I've seen of the Cosmos that DIL has had laying around, they really do promote sexual assertiveness that wasn't heard of 20 years ago. And even though the core audience of cosmo isn't young high school girls, they do get their hands on it on occasion. There are many, many things in our society that contribute to this kind of thing, and it would be wrong to blame any one thing.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 6:10pm

Reasons to favor circumcision go beyond religion and culture. Observational studies published in the last year support that circumcised males reduce their risks for some STDs by 50%.

I wouldn' be surprised to hear that the UN may become an advocate for neonatal circumcision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:19pm
hi , i just read your post and i have to tell you that most , or i dont want to say most , but a large amount of teenagers are performing oral sex on each other rather than intercourse. this is starting at the age of fourteen. and yes it freaks me out too. my husband is a teacher in a high school and i also have a fourteen year old son that tells me what his friends do. so i just wanted to answer your question. kids are starting much younger these days.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:25am

I think the others who have posted have addressed the original question. The thing that concerns me more is that you say the boy has a computer in his room. Teens should not have computers in their rooms!! I can't tell you what a REALLY bad idea this is. I would advise your friend to look at websites like www.ncmec.org (National Center for Missing & Exploited Children) for advice about teens on the internet.

The two boys who were all over the news last week were found about a mile away from my home. Although neither one of them were abducted as a result of the internet, it is a reality that terrible people exist and use the internet to do their "dirty work". Plus, kids can be exposed to all sorts of stuff that they aren't ready for or simply don't need to know about. My 8-year old went through a terrible experience because he was at someone's home who didn't monitor their 11-yr old's computer.

Back to the original issue, I would give the boy some credit for knowing his facts. Though this issue hasn't come up at my home, I would be willing to admit to my teenage son that I knew there were pros and cons to circumcision. I could tell him about the man in our childbirth class who admitted that he had to be circumcised as an adult and urged everyone to have their sons circumcised at birth. But if he doesn't accept my answer that I did what I thought at the time, with the information that I had, there's not much I can do about the anger. One can't really resolve this type of thing. You can't put the skin back!!

I think they just get angry at this age and that's OK. They are big about making their own choices. So, the boy feels like somehow the decision at birth should have been his! Hopefully, with time, he'll move on to the next reason to mad at Mom. Unfortunately, that shouldn't take long!!

I would also encourage your friend to use this as an opportunity to talk to her son about his concerns about what the girls think of him. Even though it's awkward and weird you have to do it. If there's a trustworthy male relative or friend he trusts, that would be an option too.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:54am

You're in Kirkwood?

Sue in Ladue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:32am
Canada stopped it years ago? Not so informed.