Help---Really need your thoughts!!!!!!!!
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Help---Really need your thoughts!!!!!!!!
| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 3:05am |
My 17-year old daughter just found out she is pregnant. She is no longer with the guy she got pregnant from and they were only together a month or so.
I do not know what to think. Nor what to say to her.
I am a Christian, but I do not mind telling her she can go ahead and get an abortion. Have not said much to her because I do not know what to say. There is no room in her life or in our house for another human being and we are stretched as is.
JJ is academically brilliant, but I am afraid it is just that for now.
Am I so wrong? Can you give me your thoughts and advice if any?
I so appreciate your responses. always,
Lisa

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Hugs to you Lisa.
I really sympathize w/ you. It must be really hard to know what to do. I have no agenda here. I am pro-choice, but being raised Catholic, I would probably feel guilty if I brought my DD to have an abortion. However, if that's what she wanted to do, I would support it. I suppose that after the shock wears off, you will have to talk about it. Would she consider giving the baby up for adoption? I'm not pushing that, but I know there are a lot of people who would like to adopt a baby and not have to go out of the country to get one.
I really wish the best for your family in whatever you decide.
Lisa...I also have a 17-year-old DD and I don't know how I would react or what I would do if she came home with this news.
I think it's most important to talk with your daughter and to help her find the best information to make the most informed choice for her. Give yourself some time to process this news and then do some homework with her. Write down all the options and list the pros and the cons for each. The absolute most important thing you can do for her is to be there for her and to support her through this very difficult time.
Do you have a friend you can talk to about your own thoughts? It is often helpful to be able to talk to someone close to you, just to talk. It is very therapuetic to be able to say the things out loud that have been rolling around in your mind. If you can, talk to someone you know to help you find your own peace, so you can help your DD make good, clear, informed decisions.
Julie
I can tell you that whatever the decision, the road ahead will be difficult. An abortion ends the immediate and long term commitment to a child which neither you nor your dd are ready to assume. But an abortion does leave lasting memories and feelings which will be difficult for your daughter as well. In the end the decision needs to be hers and it needs to be taken soberly and with full consideration to the issues.
Sit down together, calmly. What is done is done. You can't change the fact that she was sexually active and that she is pregnant. So do yourselves both a favour and for now put the "how could she be so stupid" feeling behind you. She knows she's made a mistake and now she needs help.
Discuss all your options -- abortion, having and raising the child, adoption -- and be honest about the pros and cons of each. And then let HER make the decision that she can live with. Because its her that has to live with this forever. She'll either have to live with the knowledge she had an abortion, live with being a single mum or live with having given up a child. So she needs to make the choice.
She needs YOU to support her no matter WHAT her choice. If she chooses to have this child, you may have to find a way to make room for this baby in your lives and possibly even in your home. When you had your daughter, you committed yourself to a lifetime of supporting her. And sometimes that comes with supporting the difficult choices and mistakes she's made along with all the successes. She shouldn't be making a decision like this solely on the basis of "there's not enough room in the house". And remember, there's a boy in the picture who had some part in the issue as well...
I speak from personal experience on this issue that I don't want to make public, quite frankly, but if you want to exchange emails on this issue feel free to do so.
<I so appreciate your responses. always,>>
You asked so I will tell you, though you may not like the answers.
First off, and I say this as a Christian, telling your dd that is't ok to have an abortion is not acceptable. PERIOD! You really need to think about that one. It's a choice that is not only is morally irresponsible to suggest to her, it is dishonoring to God, and a choice that both of you will have to live with for the rest of your lives. This is a human being you are talking about murdering here. As a Christian you recognize that life begins at conception. You have no right to tell your dd that it's ok to end that life.
Seriously consider adoption. I know there are so many families out there who can't have any children, or are having secondary infertility problems who would love the opportunity to raise up this child.
I understand you are angry, I understand how this one decision on her part has changed her entire future, but this isn't a Christian attitude to take. If this is truely how you feel, then I strongly urge you to seek some Christian counseling in reguards to this issue. They can get you in touch with a pregancy center for teen mothers who choose to keep their babies, they can get you hooked up with an Adoption agency that is honorable, they can provide you and your dd with proper counceling in reguards to the pregnancy and adoption options for you etc.. The senior pastor or community life pastor at your church is a good place to start.
JMO
stacy
I also have something to say as a Christian. Not all Christians have the same beliefs. Personally, I don't think I could have an abortion and I don't condone it as a form of birth control.(ie having them repeatedly instead of using some prevention) But I also know that in some cases this is an option.
I think you need to do as some of the others have said and sit down with her and maybe her doctor and go over what her options are. What are the pros and cons. What are the medical realities of having a baby at this age. What services would be available to her if she decides to keep this child. What are the options for giving the baby up for adoption. Yes there is a lot to think of and a lot to deal with, but the best decision is an informed decision.
I hate to bring up one more thing, but if she got pregnant, she wasn't having safe sex and she really needs to be tested for STDs also. Hate to throw another thought at you, but I think it is an important thing to think of.
And as someone else said there was a boy involved here. If they aren't even together he really will not have any say in if she continues the pregnancy or not, but if she keeps the baby, he needs to know about it and be responsible too.
Let us know how you are both doing.
Kristie
As the mom of a 16 yo dd I can't imagine what you are feeling.....
I do feel for you. I am not in that position, but could easily be as I am afraid my DS (yes son) is becoming what I would consider a male slut. He easily gets girls, and I am afriad they all "put out".
I just found out, and I CAN NOT TELL HIM I KNOW, that his best friend got a girl pregnant. (16-17 yrs old). He was supposed to fork over half the $ for an abortion and never did. Rumor is that she got it anyhow, and NEITHER of their parents know. I am talking to him more about consequences and protection, but I worry a lot because he may act like his friend. His friend felt no consequences and has been out "getting with" other girls this summer, so I don't think he learned and I fear my son may have learned that boys can get away with it. But I cannot tell him or my best friend will kill me and her child will kill her for telling.
As the mother of a boy, I would secretly wish for the girl to get the abortion. Right or wrong is different for everybody....but I would not make you feel guilty for guiding your daughter to what will be the best for her future. It is for her to live with. This is not a board to debate that issue, and I'm sure you know both sides of the argument, so why hash it out here.
My son flagrantly disobeyed us last night (that's why I'm on here today), yet you remind me of what I should really be concerned about, and of the fact they my situtation with him could be worse.
I could hardly bring up discussing the disappointment I felt with him, so I know it will be hard for you to tell her you are disappointed, but I doubt you can disguise it. Let her know that you are disappointed that she has to make this decision, but that you will help her and to remember that no matter what you may do or say now, that you love her. I told my son I will try to treat him normally and remember that he has a punishment to serve (no car to drive for now!) and realize the punishemnt is for the crime, that we can't be miserable all day over it. Tell her that making her decision is part of her consequences (and punishment I would think). Tell her you won't hold it against her her entire life, but that it is hard for you to act like nothing bad has happened.
I don't think parents should make it "easy" for these young mothers, whatever they choose. I see girls whose mom's pay for everything, babysit, etc, and the teen goes on like nothing happened except she got fat and has a kid now. If she has an abortion, she must learn that it should be a one time thing, that it is not birth control. She needs to know what the impact will be of whatever she chooses, and that it will be immense (abortion or otherwise).
My friend just got through saying I am not a bad mom because my kid let me down and didn't follow the rules. You are not a bad mom either. Unfortunately, both you and your daughter get to grow up a little more now (face things meant for the 20's not 17), sooner than planned.
{{{Lisa}}} So, have you had the opportunity to discuss her options yet? I'd love to hear how it went. I think that you're wise and open and a loving mother to allow the thought of abortion to enter your mind; to suggest it. The bottom line is that this is her life we're talking about and if abortion is a viable choice for her, then she should seriously consider it. Should she have an abortion and receive appropriate counseling, she will learn from this experience. Personally, I'd have made the appt already. Christian or not, the reality is that abortion is an option in our world and she should carefully consider it. Should she rule out abortion, next I would discuss adoption - there are many couples out there just waiting for a healthy baby and hers would be a Godsend and blessing.
And lastly, there is the thought that a baby conceived and born under any circumstances is still a precious gift. And while you all may feel overwhelmed and stunned by this right now, in time, everything can fall into place. You pull together as a family filled with love and support for dd and do the right thing and be a family for this baby. It's all new, she's so young, the father is gone, it's overwhelming. But, later, after you've all had time to digest everything, you manage.
I hope things work out for her (and you). Hugs and many blessing to you and yours~
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