Help so frustrated need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Help so frustrated need advice
9
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:23pm
Hello, I posted a similar question on a board a while back but when I saw this board I thought it might be better to ask here. I have been divorced and have been dating a man for alittle over a year. My two youngest children who are 4 and 12 are happy with the situation. I have a 14 yr old son who is NOT. He has three children, everyone feels like a functioning family when we get together but my son refuses to be apart of it. He has been in counciling for
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 4:32pm

Wow, sorry I didn't respond when I first saw this a couple of days ago. I really have no experience with dating a custodial parent, so anything I say is speculation.


You said your son has some kind of social problem and is extremely shy. Has he ever had the chance to meet or have a conversation with your BF one on one? Or has BF and kids always been a package deal, which to someone extremely shy could be a truly overwhelming situation?


Also, how old are the BF's kids? Could your DS feel like he is either being displaced by a teen older or the same age OR fearing being shoved unwillingly into the position of free babysitter to a herd of youngsters?


You feel that DS's dad is a jerk, but how does his DS feel about him? Is there some REAL reason that living with dad couldn't be an option, like dealing drugs from home, violent alcoholism, felony abuse history?


Whatever your answers, and please believe me that I mean this in a helpful way- maybe you need some counselling for yourself. It sounds like somehow you have allowed your teen son far too much power in your family, to say that this one "child" holds YOUR destiny in his hands?


Besides all that, whats the rush? Even if you've been dating this man for a year- long distance and only weekends isn't very much time together. I would hope you would spend ALOT more time getting to know each other, and each other's kids before anyone did something so drastic as to make a move. Thats ALOT of people being affected, not just your DS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 3:45pm
Thank You so much for your thoughts I hope I get more responses. I love these boards :) Its been tough and there is alot of support here I appreciate it so much :)
Community Leader
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 10:27am
Hi, I just wanted to pop in and welcome you.

I would think about family counseling, with and without fiance. Your son,like pp stated, may feel that he is being replaced. Maybe not by another child, but by fiance. If he is the oldest, he has been the 'man of the house' and may feel upset about losing his status. You may need to wait for the marriage as well. If you and fiance have a strong, loving relationship, it will survive. Give fiance and DS time to bond better.

As far as him realizing his dad is a jerk. That may or may never happen. Boys hold their BDs high in standard, even if they are not in their life. My DS1 just recently realized it and he is 16. In fact, DH and I had to listen about a Six Flags trip that happened when DS was 3 for years. They just tend to really hold on to any special memories they have with BD. Please don't push for that realization to happen, or you will drive your DS away.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 10:46am

<<>>

I was kind of thinking this as well. As a BTDT step-mom, if DH and I were no longer together (for whatever reason), I wouldn't marry or co-habitate until my DS was an adult (and if the man had kids of his own, then unless or until they were adults).

Blending is just so hard on everyone that I'd rather risk losing the man than put everyone (particularly myself) through it. And having said that, none of the kids in my BTDT situation felt strongly against the situation. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been if one of them felt that negative about DH or I. Blending is hard even under the best of circumstances.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:57pm
"Blending is hard even under the best of circumstances."

Yes it is. My DH brought no kids to the marriage, I brought 2. They were young 6&7 when we married. We had a pretty easy-go of it. The problem arose when DH and I separated a couple of years ago and the teen boy got the 'man of the house' syndrome. :o). When DH came back, we are still having a hard time reeling both of them in (obviously). And yes, I agree too that I would rather lose a man than lose any of my kids as well.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 1:36pm

<<>>

While I agree with this completely, it's also true that I'd rather lose the man than live through the stress that was/is my blended family. One of those *never again* situations, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:30pm
when I got div, my kids were 7 & 1. I had a SIL (my ex's sister) who got div. around the same time but her kids were a little older, maybe 10 & 11 (both boys). She decided that she would never have a guy around them, which I do think is a little extreme. I figured since my DS was only one, I was not waiting 17 yrs to date. So I got married again a few years later & really picked the wrong guy--my DS (the younger one) did like him at first but then because of the 2nd DH's behavior, started to dislike him. I guess my 2nd DH couldn't put it together that if he is not nice to the mom (me) then the kids aren't really going to like him. Well now I'm div again and I agree that I wouldn't have a guy move in while my Ds is still at home unless my DS really really liked him--well by the time I ever meet someone (still 2 yrs after the divorce & not one date) & get to know him, it would take that long anyway. And frankly after 2 divorces, I probably wouldn't get married again--maybe live w/ someone, but again after the kids are basically out of the house. The way I look at it now, 4 yrs of high school really isn't that long a time to wait. I hope I'll live for at least 25 more years, and it could be longer, so there would be plenty of time to be together. If you're in a 2nd marriage & the kids & the stepfather don't get along, every day seems like a year--I wouldn't want to go through that scenario again (and don't even get me started on the stepchild problems that I'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more). If this guy is so great, then I think it would be pretty difficult for him to deal w/ having a stepson who doesn't like him & I think it would put a lot of strain on the relationship anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 6:48pm

I guess I will chime in with my two cents. I'm remarried and when I met my current dh, my children were 3, 5 and 7. Dh and I waited for three years before we married, and it was a good six months of dating before I even introduced him to my kiddo's. The entire time we were dating/together my dd who was young at three, and my oldest who didn't have a good relationship with bio dad, LOVED my dh. The three bonded quickly, however my middle son did not bond well, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 7:36am

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Very, very true. My foster DS is now 26, his bio dad hasn't been in his life in any real way since he was 5 or 6... but DS still makes excuses for BD's bad parenting, minimizes even the worst choices the bio dad made, and still maintains some semblance of contact with him... a 2 or 3 time per year phone call, often initiated by DS. His relationship with his bio mom (who was not in his life at ALL from age 5-18) is pretty much non-existant... she sends him all kinds of "I love you" emails that he pretty much ignores. He met her briefly when he was 19 or 20, but hasn't seen her since... but he still defends her. These two were never more than a sperm donor and an incubator... even when they supposedly had custody of DS, he was in foster homes or living with relatives more than he lived with them, and when he lived with them, the case history on abuse and neglect is incredibly long and detailed. But there's still some kind of bond there that he chooses to ignore just how bad they were as parents.