Help with sticky situation about SD & DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Help with sticky situation about SD & DH
6
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 9:57am

Hey! Ya'll already know I have a 14yo DS with girlfriend troubles. I will go on and tell you that I also have a 18yoDS, a would be 15yoDD in Heaven(passed away 2001), a 18yoSD and a 20yoSS. I have been married for 12 yrs.(second marriage) to a wonderful man who is currently in Iraq.(National Guard) I was given such good advice about DS that I thought I would see what ya'll had to say about the situation with SD. Here it goes...........

SD graduated from highschool last May. She met a Marine last Feb that she fell in love with. She left home in August to go to college about 3 hrs. from here. She has always had dreams and goals and has always been very independent. I did not see her after she left for school. When DS had his accident last Oct., DH came home on emergency leave. SD and her boyfriend came to the hospital one night to see DH and check on DS. That was the first time DH met the boyfriend and was not impressed at all. SD told us that she dropped out of college and was going back in Jan. She had moved in with her boyfriend and his family.DH was furious and layed into her. Well I hadn't seen SD since then until a few weeks ago, she sent me an IM and told me she was back living with her mom. We were headed out of town to go eat so I invited her to go with us so she and I could talk.

She told me that she had broken up with boyfriend because she found out that he had been meeting women online and then meeting them in person and having sex. From what SD said, he had even blew off weekend drills to go as far as another state to see a women with kids. He is 23 and these women range anywhere from 15 to 40. Last July he told her he was going to a seminar pertaining to his job and would be back the next day. At 2 am he was calling telling his mama he was in jail 70 mi. away and needed $2500 to get out. The mom got him out. Come to find out, he had met a girl online and went to meet her in person, picked her up and took her to a motel room and had sex. Then the girl called the law. He was charged with kidnapping when he took her out of the county she lived in and statuatory rape. The girl was 15. My, use to be strong willed very independent, SD stayed with him. Then in Oct. she got pregnant and at 10 wks, had a miscarriage. SD says she is through with the guy but she isn't. I heard her end of the conversations with him on the phone the night she was with me. To make matters worse, she looks pregnant now and she was eating like a horse when she was with me. She has gained alot of weight especially in the lower belly. I tried talking to her and telling her that did she really want a man that was going to treat her like that. I told her that he definitely needed counseling because he seems to have some kind of internet/ sex addiction. I told her how dangerous it was for her own health to be having sex with him while he is having sex with strangers because he didnt have a clue as to what he was sleeping with and he was passing it all to her. As far as the miscarriage thing, as bad as i hate to say it, I told her that maybe it was a blessing in disguise because he wasn't the right person for her. But like I said she looks and acts pregnant now.

DH asked me the other day how SD was doing and if she went back to school. I told him that SD had been through alot and that he and I would dicuss it when he comes home for good. ( He will be home for 2 wks next mo. and he will be home for good in May) I am not one to keep anything from my DH but I didn't feel like with him being over 6,000 mi. away, he needed to know all of his daughters ordeal. I hate to keep stuff from him. When I told him I wasn't going to go into details about her, he exploded on me, ranting and raving and saying he wanted some answers right then and there. I kept putting DH off and he kept getting madder and madder. Finally, he had to go. I hate keeping things from him but there is no sense in him knowing now because he would really be so mad. But I don't want it all to backfire on me, when he does find out everything because I didn't tell him when I found out. I also don't won't my SD situation to interfere with my 2 wks. with DH home next mo. I want DH to enjoy his 2 wks home. Let me also add that SS is a big tattle tale and just loves to tell DH everything that SD does!!!!!!!!!! So what am I to do the next time DH brings up the subject or should I go ahead and tell DH when he comes home for 2 wks or wait until May? I know if SS runs his mouth to DH then DH is really going to be furious with me because I kept it from him but I don't want DH to have any distractions as long as he is in a combat zone and run the risk of getting hurt especially over SD's drama. So what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 9:59pm

Wow - it sounds like you've got alot on your shoulders!!
(((HUGS))

FWIW, I think it's your SD's job to talk to her father, and it's not really your responsibiltity to tell or not tell. If he's that mad, and wants to know what's going on, then let him call her, or her call him. Why should you take the heat from him for her mistakes?

It sounds like your two weeks may already be somewhat comprimised. He knows something is going on, and he'll likely want to talk with his daughter then anyway - no matter what you tell or don't tell. I have no experience at all with this kind of separation during marriage, but maybe someone in the military can help you (or the two of you) handle this stress in a short period of time.

On a much more mild level, I used to keep stuff from my DH because it would make him mad. What really made him mad was that I didn't trust him enough, or respect our relationship enough, to be honest.

At any rate, you have my sympathy. You definitely have a lot to deal with!

Sue

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:31am

First, DH really knows something is going on, and he's so far away and he's probably feeling really disconnected. By keeping things from him, his wife is disconnecting him more. He knows he's needed, but not feeling needed and not feeling like he's doing his dad job while he's off doing his country job (btw, thank you for lending me your soldier, to serve my country. I'm very aware of the sacrifice military families make on MY behalf!)

Ok, so, I think I'd tell him what I know, and remind him that before he blows, he needs to think it over and then talk to his dd and get her side straight from her. Telling him before he comes home for his 2 weeks gives him time to mull it over and lets him deal with it in the beginning of his time, leaving the rest for you. If you tell him when he comes home for 2 weeks, then he will spend the whole 2 weeks trying to deal with it. By telling him in advance, that sort of gives him a running start.

I would also suggest to your SD that she seek some counceling to just help her deal with the stuff on her plate. You said she has a pooch and is eating like a horse. That doesn't mean she's pregnant, but it could mean she's depressed and is giving up. She just miscarried. She needs to hear love and sorry's. She already knows it's a blessing in disguise, but it's too raw to hear that. That just sounds mean. If anyone had said that to me within the first year of my miscarriage, I'd have lost it. My MIL said "it's for the best" and I seriously blew off at her and then later, at DH for not saying anything. Anything said that isn't pure love and caring is MEAN. The girl is gonna need some help to get away from this guy emotionally and she won't leave him until that happens.

Oh, and I'd chat with DH about that blowing up thing. I'd go so far as to tell him that as much as I want to talk to him, as much as I miss him and as much as I want to hear his voice, if he blows up at me again, I will hang up and that will be the end of our conversation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 7:03am

Oh my, you do have a lot going on.... I feel for you, btdt myself.


As a former military wife (first 18 years of my marriage DH was army/NG/army reserve) I can sympathize with your desire to shield DH from all the trials and tribulations going on at home that he can really do nothing about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:14am

This is his DD whether he is here or around the world and he should be told about her situation. He may not be able to do anything but pray but that could make a huge difference. He could have his thoughts together and better be able to deal with things when he does come home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 5:28pm

Thanks for all of the replies! I have decided not to tell DH about SD unless he brings it up again. Then I will be honest with him. Over the last few days, when we have talked, DH hasn't mentioned SD. But the next time he does I will tell him what has been going on. Thnaks for all of the advice. Ya'll are great!

Oh and bunnierose, about meeting DH at the gate when he comes home, I would love nothing more than to do that, but I do good just getting to the baggage area. It is a huge airport and overwhelming to me but I am going to make myself go to the gate on his return flight and stay with him until he leaves.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 7:27pm

If you want to go to the gate you need a copy of his itinerary, your government issued photo id, and it helps if you have a copy of his orders, though you don't always need that.