Help w/self centered girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Help w/self centered girl
11
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 11:30pm
Hi all!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 12:03am

Could it be that she's actually somewhat insecure, and unconsciously puts on an air of arrogance to overshadow it? There was a personal trainer/instructor (very pretty, in perfect shape) at the fitness club I used to go to who many thought was a snob, but as I slowly got to know her she seemed insecure, rather than snooty. She opened up more, in a likeable, friendly way, once I got to know her better. She did an amazing job changing an anorexic young woman into a healthy, strong one over a period of about 8 months--she must have provided some solid emotional support to accomplish that. Sometimes we're too quick to judge, and I think friends in HS are especially quick to judge one another, on every little thing.

Some of the things I tell my shy DS18 might help your DD, even though she may not be shy at all: Ask others about their backgrounds, their ideas, their dreams and they'll open up to you. Ask others for their advice and compliment them when you notice anything about them you like. Offer to help others, whether you know them or not. (Could be something as small as picking up a pen for someone.) If she shows an interest in others, they will change their perception of her.

My DH can sometimes be very self-absorbed and inconsiderate. I think he honestly doesn't realize it. Every once in a while I have to remind him to be more careful.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 12:14am
Thank you for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 7:47am

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this boondocks68.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 9:27am

She is probably noticing the odd looks she's getting and even feels hurt that some of her friends and others are avoiding her - it's only natural she cries when you talk about it. Also, due to her immaturity, her first natural reaction would be to get even louder and be even more demanding of others to get their attention.


How about trying a little bit of role playing with her. Approach her from the standpoint that you'd like to help her kind of

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 9:59am

It's hard to tell the whole story in a post without writing a novel so I have to clarify if you are getting this information from people other than your son? Or seeing it for yourself?

If DS is 'as different as night and day" and of the other sex to boot? Is he misinterpreting or over reacting?

ALL of my sons will tell you girls talk too much-LOL

Just a thought!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 6:18pm

Thanks so much, you gave really good advice!

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 7:28pm

First of all, welcome to the board. Glad you found us.


I think it is a great idea to have a family meeting about all this. And it does make sense that maybe she is a bit jealous where her brother and the friend are concerned. Just after I graduated from high school my bff started dating my brother, and there was a little twinge of jealousy there, but only a twinge and it really wasn't a problem and I ended up having one of my bff's as my SIL for the last 30 something years. But she is also much younger than I was at the time. I could see where there could be some jealousy going on.


Come back and let us know how the family meeting goes. Good luck.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 7:54pm

Oh wow. There is more going on than her just being annoying and loud. Now I understand better what you meant about her being disrespectful of others. Your son, whether or not he's Mr. Innocent and Perfect or not, is entitled to his privacy and his own personal space. Your dd has no business touching his phone and looking inside it and she should definitely be punished for that.


You know, I see so many similarities in your story with my two dds. The 20dd has always been more mature and polite, etc., whereas my 18dd was always getting herself into jams with her big mouth and stupid little snits with other girls. It was oftentimes embarrassing to dd20 over the years. We actually changed dd18's school for other reasons, but I can tell you, it was a huge relief to her older sister!


When dd 18 was a freshman in HS she and two other girls 'accidentally' dropped a match into a trash can in the girls' bathroom and the entire school had to be evacuated and there was a HUGE renovation going on so all the workers up in the rafter had to evacuate, the fire dept and police came - it was a nightmare. My dd was the only girl that admitted to it and was subsequently suspended and had to do community service. For MONTHS kids were going up to my older dd and asking her why her sister was such a F**K up. It was awful for everyone. It took a long time for 20dd to get over some of her sister's antics. And even now, they are like oil and water most of the time, though 18dd is maturing some.


Sending lots of hugs. You are going to do more than role playing with your dd. I really think she may benefit from a little counseling to help her learn how to not personalize everything and how to behave in an appropriate manner whether at school or in a social setting. Some kids just need a hand with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 10:53pm

Hi -


Well, this is one of those things you really cannot totally solve for her. The best help you can offer is asking more questions like the one you mentioned - "so how do you think that made so and so feel?" or " how do you think you would feel if ___ said that to you?" My second semester in school I did a semester that started with the question _ he is fifteen, he has every thing he could ever want, food, a loving family etc... what on Earth does he have to be so angry about - what I was reminded of is what an overwhleming time kids have at this point of life. So many adult things and feelings are happening within them right now - stuff they don't even know about and they are thinking of driving, boys or girls, college and life AND we expect them to do Algebra too? For a reminder read "The Catcher in the Rye" :)


I think if there is an alternative way to get there you should give your son permission to not give her a ride to school. She is doing all this to get attention - how involved is dad in her life? He may need to get in there and get involved a little more with the day to day management. Are you certain self centered is not a mask for self conscious?


The best thing for her right now would be to find an older girl - young adult woman to mentor her

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 7:24am

Wow, that sounds familiar!

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