Helping a depressed teen
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| Sat, 04-15-2006 - 9:45pm |
Just wondering if anyone out there has had to deal with a depressed teen. I'm sure a lot of you have read my ongoing posts about my 17 year old son. I took him to see the medical doctor last week. My son was very open with him and doc said he definitely was depressed but didnt feel meds were necessary at this time. We have a counseling session scheduled for this coming Tuesday.
In the interim though, I am just wondering how I can help him. He stays holed up in his room most of the time playing video and computer games all night and then sleeps all day. I ask him if he wants to go somewhere with me or even just take a car ride to the video store or something but he shows no interest. He is eating though and does take the time to shower but other than that, just keeps to himself.
I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do for him. I have talked with him and explained that he has to find some sort of purpose (part-time job, some school classes over the summer - whatever) to meet new people and enjoy life. He was excited awhile back about getting his driver's license (right now he only has a learners permit) but even that doesnt excite him. I offered to buy him a car if he found a job and he could pay me back a portion of it little by little but that doesnt interest him either. In desparation I took him to see a tarot card reader last weekend just for fun to maybe give him some hope. He seemed to enjoy it and the reader did tell him some hopeful things (hokey I know) but I'm grasping at straws now.
I dont know how long I should let this go on before I get a little tougher with him, maybe cut off internet, to get him motiviated. I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that as I'm relying on the counseling but in the meantime suggestions are welcome.

tamar - i am dealing with a depressed teen. its not easy - because it is usually a 'real' problem (its not just that the teen is acting).
however, i would not take what the GP said as gospel - unless he was a psychiatrist - i think that what the GP meant is that your son is acting in a depressed way. but you need a lot more diagnosing before you can say that someone is 'clinicaly depressed'. sometimes kids have LDs or ADHD, or other issues, and its not 'just' depression. of xourse, you will hopefuly learn more when you start counseling. if he is clinically depressed, you and your DH will have to go to counseling too to learn how to deal with it.
if your DS is showering and eating - that is a good sign. i would definately curtail (not cut out completely) his time on the computer, and make sure he does his chores. i do not allow my ds to be on the computer all night and then sleep all day - even tho he is also depressed. he has to keep a 'normal' schedule. he has to get up at a regular hour, shower, change his clothing, etc.
regarding meds: i am not sure that this is always a good idea. my son was on meds, and at first i was happy about it, because he was extremely depressed and anxious and suicidal, but at some point i realized that the meds were making him worse - he became more suicidal and more depressed and just slept all day (this was abnormal for him), and we took him off all meds. he does exercise every day - h goes out for one or two very long walks and it has helped him.
as for pushing him to do other things: i think you have to get him back on track first before you move on to work, driving, etc. he needs to get back onto a regular daily schedule, exercise, get off the computer, etc. he is not interested right now in anything else, and you might want to let go a bit. again- it would be helpful for you and your dh to get advice from professionals.
hugs... keep us posted
I am NOT impressed! I took the morning off as vacation time to take him and he wouldnt get his ars out of bed to go. He was over at his buddy's house playing video games the night before and told him to make sure he was home before midnight as we had to be up at 8:00 to go. Well, I fell asleep around 11 pm on the sofa waiting for him. He sauntered in at 2 am and I said you better get up at 8. "Yeah I will" is what i heard. Well, do you think he'd get up in the morning? No way - story of my life for the past 15 years with him.
He told me "I dont need to go now". I am better, she (meaning girlfriend) is out of my life". That was 2 weeks ago and I'm fine.
So....needless to say I was and still am mighty ticked off and he knew it. He was all nicey nice to me last night, spending time with me in the living room chatting, etc. etc. but I've pretty much had it. No more favors, no more going out of my way with him. WHen he turns 18 in July I am legally not responsible for him anymore and at that time he will get a deadline - get a job, go to school, ANY PURPOSE or find somewhere else to live - simple as that. He's using home as a flophouse, comes and goes as he pleases and to heck with the rest of us. I can't live this way anymore and I think tough love is the only approach.
If he decides that he needs to go to the counselor or back to the family doc then I will be more than happy to take him but I think right now he's playing me big time and I am not going to stand for it any longer.
Sorry to vent but I'm just tired, worn out and at the end of my rope.
Hi tamahar. My 16dd has suffered with mixed depression for a few years now. It's primarily due to other disorders...the side effects being anxiety & loss of confidence causing the depression; viscious cycle.
My dd has gone into counseling off and on over the years (about 6 total) and she has taken meds. Last August, we (along with her DR) allowed her to wean herself off the meds and by January she was a mess. So, back to the DR and she has finally come to terms with the fact that, at least for now, she needs to take AD meds.
We're trying to get her to actively pursue her interests more, which is primarily drawing. I'd like to see her be more physical - to raise her natural endorphins and possibly feel better about herself. I've invited her to join me at the gym - she says she wants to go, but then won't get ready.
We cut the internet last year and that has been a big help. I often 'tell' her that she's taking a walk with me...I don't ask her. And afterwards I can see a slight difference in her outlook and attitude. I think if she were more physical, she'd feel better. At least, that's what I've observed.
Standing by and watching our kids go through a difficult time is very hard, I understand. However, I don't think backing off is the right thing to do. No more walking on eggshells with ds - I think you need to be more direct with him. Tell him your concerns in a very direct way and rather than hint around for him to get a job, TELL him he has to get a job, join an activity, whatever. But he will be expected to do something, especially as the summer months arrive - he cannot just sit in his room, play video games and sleep off his slump. He needs to become more proactive in changing his outlook and existence and the only way to help him do that is to push him.
My nephew is 25 and is addicted to video games. He is pale and never goes out because he's always in his apt playing video games or surfing the net. His outlook on life in general is skewed because of this. He was never given any limits by his parents and although they told him he should be involved more and stop playing video games, they never gave him the tools to do so. He is clinically depressed; he has on occasion sought help and gone on meds, but then when he feels better he stops taking them and within months he's back to his old ways of coping. He complains he doesn't have a GF...well, who would want to go out with him, honestly? He's cute, but he's a recluse who thinks it's all about the latest video game and the internet. He is intelligent and college educated but he isolates himself. It is very sad to see. I love him and my H tries to get him to go biking with him, but nephew rarely takes him up on it. He used to be a HUGE mountain biker, but all his old hobbies have fallen by the wayside because no one ever pushes him to get out and do something. He's 25 now, so it's even harder to reach him.
Sending lots of hugs and encouragement. I really hope you're able to reach your son and help him improve his life.
So sorry your DS let you down, tam. I think setting deadlines and giving him an ultimatum is a good idea. I hope he comes around before the deadline!
Sending some warm fuzzies your way...
Jules
tam - i've said this before, and i am saying this again: your ds needs help and YOU need help to learn how to deal with him. it seems to me that you go thru cycles of getting extrmely angry and hurt by his behavior, you make extreme declarations of kicking him out etc, and then you just let things slide till the next crisis. mind you - i am not trying to put you down here, i totally understand what you are going thru - i have been thru similar things with my ds - but i think you need to really REALLY!!!! get a hold of yourself, get educated on your son's problems and what solutions are available, get help for yourself and your DH - someone who will 'hold your hand' thru the implementation of the tuff love (or whatever route you choose), etc.
getting angry and frustrated ---- while these are very understandable reactions, they really don't get you anywhere; in fact, it just puts you in a very weak and unhealthy place.
as i said in my reply to your post - you need to get your ds tested/evaluated. if he, indeed, depressed - then he needs help. if he has some other issues (such as adhd or other ld's or some other disorder, with the depression just being a symptom there and not the actual problem) then he needs help for that. but at this point - you are not dogpaddling in the dark - you have no idea what the problem is - and you have no idea where you are going. for example, i remember some of your earlier posts - that you mentioned that he has social issues - this could be a sign of specific problems.
again - as i have said many times before - there ARE ways to get your ds to do things. but you need to stand up to him. its not easy - especially after many years of him doing what he wants. your ds knows exactly what to do to get you off his back.
hugs........