Helping my son w/the death of a friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Helping my son w/the death of a friend?
9
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:17am
My son lost a good friend on friday. prom night/my son's birthday. he will remember this date forever. he has been really quiet and depressed for two days and today, sunday, he said that he deceided to not be down and out about his friend but that he was thinking he was in a better place, hanging out w/the girls and relaxing and parting in heaven. (this is the same boy that told me he did not believe in God on mother's day) i told him not to think of it that way cuz when you are in heaven, you are there to serve God and that there was so much more for his friend to experience here on earth(i did not want him in the back of his mind to think that someone is better off gone)he said, MOm, don't ruin it. that's how i see him now. i appologized and said his friend was now at peace. he did not mention the viewing. should i ask him about going?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:39am
I'm so sorry about your ds's loss.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:42am
hugs i am so sorry. i don't have much advice. i wouldn't 'argue' with him at this point, or try to change his views or way of thinking. he is sad and angry and needs to vent. is this someone from his school? is the school advising staff helping out in any way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:11pm
i don't know if the school will offer any support but i am sure if they are directly asked , there are piermetadors and guidence counselors that will talk to them. .. Monday there may be an announcement cuz he died Prom night in the car accident. he was alone, not at the prom, he worked that night and from what we hear, he fell asleep at the wheel and wasn't wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the vehicle, very sad. My son just told me that his friend Echo email him and wants him to go to the viewing on tuesday and the funeral on wednesday and i'm not going to make him go to school either. maybe a few of the friends will meed after the funeral. i guess the viewing will be evening so he would go to school monday and tuesday. he's been playing his guitar and listening the music on the comp so i guess that's his zone to be in right now. i want to take him out today for his birthday. friday was also his birthday, the day his friend died so he will never forget this day. thanks for all of your support. peace for now. Theresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 2:35pm

<<>>

We buried my DH's stepson (from another marriage) just last month. They had stayed very close over the past 20 years.... he also wasn't belted in... it seems so senseless, doesn't it?

I lost my closest friend in high school and I still think about him now, 30 years later. I think your plan is very good. A kid needs some special attention after something so traumatic. My parents wouldn't even let me miss one day of school (even though I'd not even slept the night he died), so I ran out of class one day screaming, and they couldn't find me for 2 days. Then my mother insisted that I ride with her to the funeral, and I ran away again.

Dang, I'm starting to cry now. I wish I would have had someone like you when that happened. Your son is very lucky to have someone who has his back.

And that's all I can say right now... DH is looking at me really funny.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 7:31pm
Hey Cat momma! your words were really comforting. maybe i am doing something right for once. it is so sad because i think if he had been wearing a seatbelt, he would have been ok. the truck just went up the side of an embankement, hit nothing but shrubs and landed on it's passanger's side. i think when he was ejected, the vehicle may have been the cause of hid fatal injuries. i am so glad that "i think" my kids wear their seatbelts every time they are in a car. i say it every time they walk out the door. wear your seat belt and drive slow...slower. He did not feel much like a birthday celebration today. he asked if he could just hang out at home and then one of his friends called him to go out to eat so we told him if he felt better w/his friends right now than we can go another time. So he went w/his friend...and they went to Grotto's Pizza. the same place their friend worked and the place he was on his way home from when he had the accident. i guess kids have their own way to get through sad times. they need eachother. he then came home and this same friend called again for him to go for ice cream. God, i wish they would just stay out of the cars and home under my wing :( so he's out now. BTW. the friend he is out w/is a girl. she has been a good friend for years. my son has more friends that are girls than guys. do you think it's uncommon for my son 17 not to have a girl friend. seems like all his friends date and he just has close friends that are girls and he goes to the prom and stuff w/them? well , life is very complicated. we were not born w/a journal in our hands.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 8:53pm

<<>>

My son is 17 and hasn't ever had a girlfriend, nor even dated. He hangs out with several girls and even went to prom with a female friend. So I guess it's not too uncommon....

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 11:20pm
yea, i guess, come to think of it, my nephew did not date til he was at graduate school. my son is so depressed over his friend. i worry about him. he asked me about 8:30 p.m. if he can go hang out at a friends, my dd jumped right up and said NO, his friend is bad and dropped out of school cuz of drugs. well, i wasn't letting him go anyway it was a school night but he acted really mad. i later went in and told him that he has a family behind him. that his sister cares about him and what he does. if there was anything he needed to let me know. he was still mad i wouldn't let him go. my dh went in to see him too and said if he wanted us to go to the viewing w/him we would. so before he went to bed, he slipped in my dd's room and i heard her scream w/a giggle. i heard him say that was from his friend and said he hates you ..later i asked my dd and she said he slapped her but like joking/playful. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, motherhood.
Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 10:14am

I know from facing various losses myself there are several stages of grieving. I did a web search to see if I could find you one website that might offer you some insite into the grieving process for teens, but what I found were many many wonderful sites each offering their own perspective on grieving.

If you go to any search engine and type in "stages of grieving" you'll find a ton of sites that offer suggestions and also the common stages both in teens and also adults.

I am so very sorry for the loss your son is feeling. It might take a few months, but maybe in 6 months you can offer him what my daughter calls "half birthdays". She and I always try to go out for lunch or dinner to acknowledge her "half birthday". A few years she did not wish a celebration on her birthday, but then 6 months later asked if she could have a group of friends over for dinner and I said yes.

Please know that many of us are offering our support and comfort to you as you help your son through this very difficult time.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 7:46pm
thank you. i never even thought of looking information up like that before. he has gone from talking alittle about it to not talking at all to anger. my nephew is in the military..you know that...dah...anyway, i am actually talking to him right now on the instant message. he left messages on my son's myspace to try and sooth him a little and he was talking to him earlier on the instant message. prior to going to iraq, they were schooled on how to handle death in a sense and he also took psycology in collage so he would be a great help to him right now ..it's just that he is so far away. he has lost 6 friends over there since he has been in and the last one was a good friend...he took it hard but because of how the military prepared him, he got by. My son would not go to school today, he said it would be bad to go and his friend not be there. he promised he'd go tomorrow..he needs to be around all his other friends. he is going to the viewing tomarrow and the funeral on Wednesday. maybe after he has been around the family in the greiving process, he will not feel so alone. :(