HI and HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2011
HI and HELP!
16
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 12:36pm

Just found this board and am hoping someone that has "been there and done that" can give me a bit of insight.

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
In reply to: sky_sky
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 4:18pm
I'm one of those who wouldn't have permitted it (prior to age 16 or so), but when ds was 13 he definitely was not prepared for any type of relationship, so no real BTDT here. He was way more into gaming and hanging with the guys. As he got older, and dated for the first time at 16, he was the one who got stomped on by the girl, and thus was gun shy for well over a year before he tried again, which was then after HS graduation.


I think all I'd do is say maybe it's just time to hang out in bunches of kids, no strings between them/no pairing off, in which case then it'd be ok to talk to guys who had 'relationships' prior because no one is under the impression that it's hurting someone's feelings if they were talking to someone's 'ex'! Waaay too early to me to have such 'rules' so they can't talk to each other, or to consider dating at all, IMHO.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: sky_sky
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 5:42pm

Welcome!

Oh the drama that comes with 13 y/o girls!! Mine is now 20, I survived it, but when I was living through it there were days that I seriously doubted that I'd be able to!

I also have 3 adult sons (24-27 y/o), and I've gotta tell you, NONE of them were into the kind of relationship your daughter is looking for when they were 13 or 14 years old.... not even the one who ends up so attached at the hip with every woman he sees that everyone else ceases to exist - a not healthy situation, but I'm done talking about it with him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
In reply to: sky_sky
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 9:07pm
bunnierose wrote:

Welcome!

Oh the drama that comes with 13 y/o girls!! Mine is now 20, I survived it, but when I was living through it there were days that I seriously doubted that I'd be able to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
In reply to: sky_sky
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 11:18am

Ahhh, the nightmare begins! I'm so sorry:smileysad:. Nah, not really.

I definitely understand where you're coming from! 3 kids- ALL girls. NOT all perfect little ladies however, even WITH rules, and to the point of fairly hard core surveillance with one of them. I SURVIVED (so far, youngest will be 17 on Black Friday:smileytongue:), and YOU and YOUR DD will survive too! My older 2 are now 25 with my 4yo gson, next is 22 with my 2 1/2 yo ggirl.

I say suzyk is "right on" with the GROUP suggestion. Actually YOU're the MOM and can require group only!

I really want to ask ( and know it's none of my business if you don't want to share)- but are you single parenting your teens as I did, or is there an involved dad in the picture? I've noticed that girls with involved dads (from my personal perspective) appear to do better with the dating scene than girls without. Note that I said INVOLVED dads. OR maybe it just looked, to me, like the moms with a backup spouse had an easier time? I don't know, that wasen't MY experience:smileyindifferent:.

SO- what does a "boyfriend" mean to your DD? I know with my girls at 13, it was about eating lunch together at school, sitting together during assemblies, walking home together after school with the older 2. Youngest went to a Middle School in a different district so she took the Transit bus, her "boyfriend" would wait at the busstop with her before walking home. So even though I didn't exactly PERMIT them to have boyfriends, they still found ways of saying they had one. I DID allow them to go to school functions with a "date", always met the parents and boys and us grown-ups would make transportation arrangements so there was never a large gap of unsupervised time. I also chaperoned many of these events. If they wanted to just "hang out" with no plan or destination it was OUR HOUSE where I was home! NOT in the bedroom, right there in the living room. I wasen't right on top of them from where I worked on stuff at the kitchen table but I could look up and keep tabs on them. Of course "couples" would try to sneak off to the bathroom hoping I wasen't keeping a head count...

It sounds to me from your post that your biggest issue right now is your DD's insecurity. Why does she feel the need to posess a boyfriend? It sounds like it's quite a few of the girls in her school are that way. I know in our small community I always told my girls that dating isn't ownership and if nobody dates someone that is an "X" of someone else, none of them would ever date!

I wish I had some specifics for you, but you know your DD best. I'm sorry she got her feelings hurt so young. Stick with the group plan!! I have to agree with Kimmy on starting your sex/BC talks now!! Keep those lines open!! I wasen't pleased, nor did I condone the behavior, but when my youngest came to me about BC at almost 15 (she had been seeing the same boy for...oops, can't remember how long) I got her right in to our Dr. She was with this same boy for 2 years which I found amazing at their ages, but look at Kimmy and Bunnie- it does happen sometimes!! I think the reason my youngest spoke up about BC is because she was oldest sisters birth coach at her at home natural childbirth at 12. Again coach for next sister. Yes she still wants kids BUT NOT NOW!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2011
In reply to: sky_sky
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 12:51pm

Thanks for the responses!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
In reply to: sky_sky
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 9:57pm

I think the reason you are having so much drama is because you have let your 13 yr old have experiences that she should be having at 16, 17 and 18.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: sky_sky
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 11:24pm
Oh Fullmom - you give great advice as usual!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2011
In reply to: sky_sky
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 12:34am

Oh, sure I know the lies and half truths will come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2011
In reply to: sky_sky
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 11:03am

Just wanted to come back and say that in my last post, I didn't mean to sound as if I thought anyone's advice is "bad" or "wrong".

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: sky_sky
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 5:01pm

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