Hi everyone - remember me? How about a roll call? LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Hi everyone - remember me? How about a roll call? LONG
21
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 3:07pm

Sorry I've been away so long. This summer has pretty much been the summer from he** but things are looking up now. When I last posted Jason (26) was finishing up his 2nd year of med school and Justin (23) was living at home looking for a job and thinking about joining the army. Here's what's been going on since then:

Justin had finally found a job with a local asphalt company and started at the end of May - completely blue collar but it pays $15/hour and has full benefits. He moved out in July so we are once again empty nesters. DH and I took a short trip to San Antonio the end of May to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. So that was where the good news ended.

We got home from our trip on May 30. That night Jason sat us down and told us that he'd been called into the dean's office the prior week (hadn't wanted to tell us then and ruin our trip). He and was told that someone had sent an anonymous email that said they found Jason's tweets/FB status updates offensive. And many of them were over the top. He loves that 'anything goes' crude humor that pokes fun of anyone and everyone. We'd talked to him about it but what do we know? We figured at some point someone would talk to him. What we didn't figure was that the head dean evidently wanted to make an example of him; he was given the choice of withdrawing as a student in good standing (his grades were GREAT) or they would dismiss him and would be forced to tell future schools/employers the reason. They didn't even let him take his boards 2 weeks later that he'd been studying so hard for. And within a month the school had a new social media policy in place. They may not have been able to do that at a public school but he went to a Jesuit medical school and I'm guessing they can do things a bit differently. So there he was in Chicago with no job, no longer in school, and over $100,00 in debt. We were shocked, angry at both Jason and the school and finally just sad. Many of you remember that he struggled with an eating disorder several years ago. Every time we saw him in the next few months he was thinner and thinner. He really wanted to stay up there near his friends so we agreed to help him financially for a few months. He filled out tons of apps but didn't even get call backs. We were all getting discouraged. Finally he broadened his search and applied at Epic Systems in Madison, WI. Got an all expense paid trip up there for an interview in early August and got the offer the next week. He moved up there Sept. 1 and started on Sept. 3. He LOVES it. The campus is really neat - it was designed by the people that designed Universal, Google, etc. So things are great with Jason now.

On June 18 my dh had his first routine colonoscopy (he's 54) and 4 polyps were removed, one looking 'suspicious'. Within 48 hours the doctor was calling saying it was cancerous and he thought it may have spread to the blood stream. We were imagining the worst. He had some follow up testing the following week that showed pre-surgically the surrounding lymph nodes and organs did NOT appear to be affected so we were somewhat relieved but still nervous as it had spread into the colon wall. He had surgery on July 19 to remove a portion of his colon. Unfortunately they had to do a temporary ileostomy, which was very physically and emotionally tough on him. The following week we met with the surgeon and oncologist to go over the lab results. Thankfully the surgeon got all the cancer and the lymph nodes that he removed as well as the bit he removed on each side of the cancer were clean. This past Friday he had surgery to reverse the ileostomy and is doing great. Moving slowly but psychologically SO much better. He'll have to have a sigmoidoscopy in about 3 months and another colonoscopy in 6 months. If those are both clean he'll have to have colonoscopies every year for a few years. He'll continue to see the oncologosist every 6 months until he has 2 clean colonoscopies, in which case it will go to every year for the next 5 years. So for those of you that are over 50 and haven't had a colonoscopy - schedule one NOW. Had dh waited even a few more months I'm sure the results would have been much different.

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to let you all know what was going on around here. I hope you all had a better summer than we did!

Pam

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Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Oh my goodness, Pam - your family has had a really rough time of it.  I am so sorry that Jason's social media indiscretions came with such a high price - he really should have been given warnings first - the choice they gave him was very harsh.

Glad to hear that your DH is on the road to recovery.  Again, what an ordeal.  (PS - I have my colonoscopy scheduled for October - I turn 51 next week.)

So, for roll call:  Kelly in the northeast, with 2 college students and an 8th grader who started today at his new, small, noncompetitive school.  We aren't empty nesters yet, but going from 2 kids at home to an only child at home has been a shock. . . it's been almost 19 years since we had only an only child.  Of course they text, call, or email us every day so we know what's going on with their lives, but the house is quieter (both aurally and visually) without them, and we're buying a lot less food.  And the two puggle dogs keep DH busy.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999

I second Kelly's oh my!  You have been through a lot.  I am so sorry about Jason, that does seem rather harsh, but yes, unfortunately private colleges like that seem to run their own way.  I am so glad to hear that he found a new job and loves it and that your husband is all clear on the cancer for now!!  I hope you have a very quiet fall!!

As for me, I'm Tracy in Texas.  DH and I have been married 8 1/2 years.  My oldest Jordyn leaves for college officially on Wednesday, but doesn't actually start classes til the 30th.  I also have a stepson who is 14 that lives in Michigan with his mom.  And we have 4 and 6 year old daughters in pre-K and 1st grade.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I'm glad things finally turned around for Jason but that must have been incredibly stressful for everyone.  It doesn't seem right to me (as a laywer) that someone could be disciplined for something that occurred in their private behavior and had not been a part of school policy before that.  School law is not my specialty however.  

So I only have one teenager--DS just turned 18 and is going into his senior year of high school.  HE is taking many hard classes (3 AP classes) and luckily he has to have gym because otherwise he'd be adding on another one.  I don't know where he gets this from, surely not me.  Plus he works part time in Old Navy.  DD is 24 & she's a nurse in pediatric oncology.  She really likes her job.  She had met a guy earlier this year and we ended up meeting him cause they went to a concert at Fenway Park this summer.  We all thought he was so great, cute, nice.  Unfortunately he just broke up with her so she is a little sad about that--plus now she's starting the wedding circuit of all her friends.  She went to one this summer in the Hamptons and there's one in Oct. in Orlando and her best friend just got engaged.  It's good that she has a good job to pay for all these weddings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009

Hi there Pam. And yes we remember and have missed you.

WOW, this truly sounds like a summer from he?? After 30 years you get used to the old husband, his quirks, and you want him to hang around. (I would hate to have to house train another one. LOL) I could not even imagine facing widowhood. I want to go first. Thankfully, it sounds like they caught your husband’s situation early enough that yours will be around, in the words of Elizabeth Browning, to “come grow old with me, the best is yet to be.”

Good to hear that Justin is getting his feet on the ground. Nothing wrong with blue collar work. America was built by it. And he will have opportunities for advancement and may even return to the collage path in a few years. (If Hubby and I are white collar workers, our shirts are not starched and they have ring around the collar. LOL)

As for Jason’s situation, with a mere $100,000 in student debt, I would be consulting with attorneys licensed in the city where the school is located. The school may be private, but part of that student debt money, maybe all of that debt, is federally funded or authorized by the federal government, with the student debt tattooed to the signer’s body, which makes it non dischargeable in bankruptcy. That money does not come without lots of strings attached to it by the federal government. It comes with certain rights and the expectation of due process, which may not have been applied correctly to this situation. If necessary, I would look for some underemployed SOB with a bar card that is willing to use the school as a training target to enhance his skills by dropping lots of legal hell fire missiles on the school (things like requests for production of documents, hundreds, maybe thousands, of pages of interrogatories, hundreds, maybe thousands, of pages of statement of admission requests, hundreds of depositions that literally eat up thousands of hours of lawyer time for the defendant to pay for at several hundred dollars per billable lawyer hour.) From those who know the subject, I have been told that being the defendant is most always vastly more expensive than being the plaintiff; an hour of plaintiff lawyer time can eat up fifty or a hundred hours of defendant lawyer time. Being a defendant can truly suck. NO law firm is going to do that amount of defense work for free. The school has legal counsel that can explain to the administration and the schools board just how much financial damage some angry person can do to the budget and the endowment of the school, even if they are unsuccessful. And if successful they can do vastly more financial damage to the school as they seek damages for two years of the student’s life wasted and potential lost income over the period of the decades ahead.

You may even be able to locate a local gunslinger (extremely qualified and experienced litigator) working in a firm with lots of young associates under his supervision that need training in the lethal arts of litigation who will be more than willing to use the school for target practice during that training process of these associates—an excruciatingly painful and expensive process for the target.

If the case has merit, even a slight amount of merit, a gunslinger may be willing to take the case on contingency, which is basically is percentage of the judgment or settlement. The school has very deep pockets for picking by lawyers; deep pockets of defendant’s is something that is very important to litigators—perhaps more important to them than oxygen is to us.

The school may have some form of liability insurance that will be on the hook and this is a fact of life with insurance companies, they have no greater interest in life that settling cases before spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees. For the insurance company it is just a simple dollar and cent decision, not much more complicated than do we buy a Ford or a Rolls Royce.

The settlement may be along the lines of the lawyer gets his fee from the school and Jason returns to classes next year with an apology from him for whatever indiscretions of youth he may have committed. That may suck, but acceptable.

I would also suggest that Jason NOT GIVE UP THE DREAM and start exploring other options to finish up the clinical portion of his training. This might include looking into some of those lesser ranked Caribbean medical schools that also take federal student loan money and do the clinical rotations in American hospitals. Classes are in English. Their graduates are eligible for the USMILE 1, 2, 3 exams and intern and residence positions around the USA. He may have to suffer through some or all of those core classes again near a Caribbean beach before returning to an American hospital to do the clinical rotations—not so bad. He may even meet the love of his life attending there and be eternally grateful for what happened. With Obama care, America is going to need lots of foreign educated doctors to fill the demand.

As for Facebook, therein is a reason that I don’t do it and the kids only use it sporadically. Also, it is much toooo time consuming for a person like me with a very short attention span.

As for roll call, Hubby and I live with our two daughters, their hubbies, two fabulous grandsons vie the younger couple, with a third grandbaby in the oven and due to discover America in several more weeks. Hoping for a girl, but we will be grateful for another boy if the stork runs out of girls before getting to our hospital. (Our youngest couple chooses not to know the sex until the delivery room. Very old fashioned in today’s world, I know, but it does keep things interesting until the last moment. LOL) They are talking about stopping at three . . . for now anyway.

We’re, back in the groove of watching the little brothers while the couples, now twenty teen and twenty-one teen, continue to work a couple of days a week and go off to classes four evenings per week. LUCKY US!!!!

Not sure what teens see in tattoos, or body piercings, but it’s big in this generation. I can’t understand why anyone would mess up the beautiful canvas of youth with graffiti. Our girls have pierced ears and belly buttons. No other piercing that is visible from outside of a bikini. From being with youngest daughter while she was breast feeding, I know that as of several months ago she had no nipple piercings. And we have not seen any tattoos protruding from the bikini coverage area or the guy’s swimsuits. Back in HS, the girls did occasionally wear the temporary tribal tattoos on their back above the bikini bottoms. Very sexy looking, I was told.

On vacation this summer, the couples started asking how long they could live with us after finishing school. The joke has always been that they were never leaving home. They asked if it was possible to stay together indefinitely, move to a larger home, etcetera. Hubby with a chuckle and his usual irreverence said, “Kimmy and I love it when you kids talk dirty like that. Seriously, we feel that we live with you and hope it continues until they put toe tags on us, cover us up, and wheel our bodies out the door into a SUV headed to the funeral home. But, that is a choice for you young folks to make.”

A few weeks ago I ran across an interesting irreverent quote that said something like. “If things are going well for you and you have no problems, enjoy this temporary calm because soon things will return to normal and you will have your share of problems to face.”

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Sounds like you've been thru the wringer, Pam.  Glad to hear that things are starting to look up.

Referencing what is acceptable to put in social media, that came up just the other day, as we & the kids were talking about doing hiring and being hired.  The kids all said people interested in ANY kind of career need to be VERY carefull what they place on social media.  Employers are increasingly looking at employees social media, not only for overt indications of poor judgment, but also for subtle indicators of opinions or sensibilities that might end up being a problem in the workplace.  Employers also want  employees to have an understanding of how to use social media appropriately, and effectively to "market" themselves, and by extension, their employer.

And this does not stop the day someone is hired; it is an ongoing process.  Please tell Jason to clean up his act, and KEEP it clean.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

And addressing the thoughts of Music & Kimmy-- Loyola is a world renowned university whose published mission statement includes THIS  "We are Chicago's Jesuit Catholic University–a diverse community seeking God in all things and working to expand knowledge in the service of humanityOur mission defines our roots, our ways of proceeding and the outcomes we strive to achieve. ...the undergraduate core curriculum emphasizes ethical awareness, reflection and decision making and educates students in principled behavior in all walks of life. Personal and professional ethics are included in all graduate and professional studies...."  and whose very existence is dependent upon maintaining it's reputation, as reflected in the behavior of it's students.  I would say that (1) PUBLICLY displaying "...'anything goes' crude humor that pokes fun of anyone and everyone..."is inherently antithetical to the university's published mission statement, and that principled PERSONAL behavior is at the core of what being a "Loyolan"  is, and therefore IS subject to discipline, and that (2) with pockets as deep as Loyola has, and a reputation to protect that is as important as Loyola's is, trying to sue them with a case as weak as "lack of due process"  (as in...I wasn't WARNED that my use of thoughtless, crude, offensive, hurtful and degrading humor was unacceptable in a healer of men and as a reflection of the Loyola tradition of PRINCIPLED BEHAVIOR) would be a VERY bad idea.

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001

Jeanne here, 10th grader, 9th grader and 5th grader. 10th grade is going to be a real transitional year for my oldest - which frightens me and excites both her and me at the same time. My 9th grader was dx type 1 diabetes last May, I've added the JDRF to the list of causes I now support and we partook in a walk this last weekend actually. My little guy is doing well too.

Glad to hear things are going well for you and your college age son.

 

 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997

Oh, Pam, how heartbreaking for Jason.  I sent a part of your note to ds21 who definitely has some of his 'likes' out there that I've told him to hide.  I hope he listens...I asked him to remove that stuff before this (sr) year but he said he 'can't' - then start over, I say, and make your name something that others can't link to you, if you are so insistent on having your opinion out there. Argh.

And best of luck to your dh. DH works in the bmt/cancer field and hates when he recognizes names when he sees PHI...but it sounds like they know what's up and what to do, which is good...

Got any time for a quick visit in a couple of weeks? DH and his buddy are going up your way for a hamfest on the 21st...

Sue

P.S. DS21 is a sr in college, as mentioned, has a gf 2 years older (on and off since May), with the same eventual goals (so we figure there'll be 2 new starving artists!), she's in grad school at his U. He's hoping to continue for an MAT in art next year (but he's talking about moving; we're saying that wasn't the agreement so if he moves he's on his own; we got the condo he's in with the understanding he'd be in there 3-4 years, and we'd pay for that and local tuition, but all bets off elsewhere as it's not for good reasons - if he stays he's done with half of his grad hours going into grad school...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think it would still be worth it to consult a lawyer who has actual knowledge in the field of education law.  There are certain obvious violations listed on the medical school's code of conduct that one would assume would result in dismissal (such as plagiarism, harrassing another student, etc.) but considering that the school added the social media info after this incident happened might be a sign that it was not clear to students that their personal info was being examined.  also when a student is dismissed, there are certain rights of appeal that exist to the student board, which were given up by withdrawing rather than being dismissed.  It's like an employer might say you can resign rather than be fired, but while it sounds good, maybe then the person doesn't know they are giving up rights to receive unemployment compensation, etc.

Without knowing the specific comments that were made, it would be hard to give advice (and of course we don't want to have that info on a public board).  If the comments could be perceived as threatening to others, maybe racist or something that would reflect badly on Jason's ability to be a doctor, that would be one thing, but we don't want to go so far as a society that someone's obvious humor or unpopular opinions or maybe protected political opinions are going to be grounds for losing one's job.

I do have to add that even when my DD joined her college sorority, they were warned not to post things on social media that would be unflattering to the sorority (like pics of them drinking) and that actually benefitted the students.  I think it's advisable to also use the highest privacy settings so that only a person's network can see what is posted & not the general public--although that wouldn't solve the problem of "friends" reporting on someone's activities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000

Hi Sue - I would LOVE to get together on the 21st if you're going to be up this way. We're having people over that night but perhaps we could meet for lunch or coffee or something in the early afternoon? Not sure what your schedule will be.

Pam

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