Hi my name is Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Hi my name is Robin
12
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 10:02am

I may have posted here a few weeks or a few months back.

My name is Robin and I Have a dd age 19, a dd 17, dd 15, dd 13 (next month) ds 11 and dd 9. I"m having some problems with my 19 year old but i'm handling them ok right now. It is the trouble with my 17 year old and my 15 year old. They are extremly rude and disrespectful. they tell me to shut up or i'm not their mother anymore. they spend the weekends with their aunt (my sil) and she is just a bad influence on them. I know it dh knows it but in order to have peace in the house he lets them go anyway. when they are gone the house is actualy peaceful. Their bedrooms are so messy an d dirty you can't see the floor. not only with clothes and stuff but with dishes and trash also. I tell them to clean their room they tell me to shut up. my dh and I are both in counseling right now to try to figure out how to deal with this. I don't know where it's coming from. most of this started back in sept. they switched to a new school their aunt moved in with her handicapped son and then moved out nov 1st sense the beginning of sept their disrespect and rudeness has gotten to the better of me and my dr. put me on xanax to help me deal with it. They do NO chores around the house at alll. My dh told my 15 year old last night to dot he dishes. she said no he called her back into the room and she kept saying no each time he called her. i'm sitting on the couch and i'm just fuming becaue he is laying on the couch and doesn't do a thing when she eventually leaves the room and doesn't come back! to me thats just telling them ok i wasn't really talking. so guess who gets left with the dishes again? NOPE no way i'm not doing them today. i'll take the 3 younger ones out to eat for pizza for dinner tonight and leave dh and the three older ones to do what htey want about dinner. i'm tired of all the crap and the disrespect. they are picking it up from us i know that. i tell him they talk to me the way they do because he allows it. i say something to them when they are nasty and he tells me to be quiet or shut up infront of them so what does that teach them? i can say anything i want to mom and dad's not going to do anything?

so you can imagine the turmoil my house is in right now. I took a disposable camera i had laying around and took pictures of their rooms. Everyone says that a teenager's room is messy i'd like to scan these pictures and have other peoples opinions on them!

I'm looking forward to meeting everyone and getting some advise from you all

Robin

Robin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 10:42am

Yes, DH needs to get on board. Mine certainly has never been the main parenting source but he has always backed me in what I have done. You need at least that!

The rooms? I would put it low on the priority list right now OR go in and clean it up myself. I know that isnt fair but a friend once told me that sometimes things have just gone too far and you have to step up and do it yourself. I fought her words for a long time but then, ya know, I went ahead and handled it on my own and felt so much better. As moms, this often hangs over us because we know society still sees it as our 'job'. THEN, when its done, you have a clean slate to start from and can set the necessary rules to keep it that way.

I would seriously consider the possibility that the aunt is providing alcohol or drugs to the girls. That's blunt but I have seen it before-as family you are too close to have clear eyes! Why else would she want someone else's kids over? Why would they want to go? Why have they undergone this personality change?

My advice. Clean their rooms. Dont let them visit auntie without one of you along. Come up with a behavior contract. Keep with the counseling. Stay strong.

Here a contract link:

http://teenswithproblems.com/home_contract.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:12am
Hi Robin. The link that windrush provided does have a good parent-teen contract. However, I wanted to give you a word of warning about that website. It is affiliated with the WWASPS (World Wide Association of Specialty Schools). This organization runs a string of disreputable teen therapeutic boarding schools and residential treatment centers. Over the past few years, many have been raided and shut down because of abuse and neglect of their residents, fraud and violations of the RICO Act. I had to bring this up just in case your frustration level with your kids reached a crisis point. I wouldn't want you to be lured into checking out the other links on this website that direct you to info about their facilities for "troubled teens."
Hope things improve at your house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:14pm

Wow, it must be so tiring just to have 6 kids, even if they are behaving. We only have 3 and between their schedules, driving, homework, etc. it can be pretty tiring. My almost 18 yo DD has an extremely messy room. I just don't even bother to go in there. Once in a while I'll comment on it, but if she wants to live like that, I'm not going to clean it up. I don't allow the kids to eat in their rooms, though. My DD is very afraid of bugs, so I mention that eating in her room will just cause bugs to go in there.

I think it's strange that suddenly your teenagers started treating you disrespectully, if they hadn't before, and that both of them started doing it at the same time. There must have been some incident to cause that, which you have to get to the bottom of. It sounds like more than just the usual teenage rebellion, esp. for a 17 yo, who is kind of old for that. If you feel that their aunt is encouraging them to be disrespectful to you, then I would just not let them stay at her house. It might be peaceful on the weekends, but then the rest of the week is horrible. Do you think something is going on in school? Do they dislike the school? Have you spoken to the guidance counsellor? I'm just throwing out suggestions here.

I do think that family counselling is in order and I think that at the next session, you should bring up that your DH isn't supporting you in front of the kids. Obviously, if you tell them to do something and then he doesn't back you up, and then there are no consequences, they won't care. How about if they don't do their chores, they won't be allowed to go to auntie's on the weekend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:17pm

Would you consider posting this on the Troubled Teens board?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:23pm

I remember you well, Robin.

Maybe you should check the archives and re-read your old posts. It doesn't sound like things have gotten better at all, especially considering the fact you don't remember posting here 2-3 months ago. I understand being busy, but you had just started the xanax and was drinking, and a couple of your posts were almost undecipherable. I don't want to sound mean, or harsh. But my opinion now, and then, is for you to take the 3 youngest ones and get out of that house.

What does your counselor say? Are the kids in counseling?

Good luck,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 4:32pm

I know for a fact that my nephew who lives with my sil is into marijuana (sp) i finally had a talk with my dh about it and he went to pick up my dd today. he says he is going to keep them away from there but i know it will only last a few weeks and then they will go back.

my dh and i are in therapy and thursday at our session our therapist had asked us to think how we would feel if the other were to leave or to die. my dh said he would feel relieved. it has been a long dark weekend for me and it has shaken me to my core to know that he would feel relieved if i were to die. I can't believe he actually said that. we haven't really talked to each other at all and tonight i'm spending the night at a friends house.

Robin

Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 5:09pm

Might be time that you spent a little time with the therapist by yourself. Let a therapist help you sort things out. I have to agree with a PP, in that it's scary that you don't even remember posting on here before. You really need to take a long look at things and get your head CLEAR!!! No need for you to be doing any anti-anxiety meds or anything else until you get your life in order. Those drugs will only let you stay muddled in foggy thinking and allow everyone to use you as a doormat, further ruining your self-esteem and placing your younger children at greater risk. If your H doesn't care whether you live or die, what does he think about your children? Are all of you a burden to him? You do have younger children to think about, ones that are too young to fend for themselves. They need an adult to look up to, and it MUST BE YOU!!! If your not so dear H is not willing to stand beside you in helping your older children, what makes you think that he'll stand beside you in anything else? I also agree with a PP that it is probably time that you cut your losses, get YOURSELF clean, and take your younger children and hit the road. Let the H and the older children fend for themselves. Save what you can, your self-respect and your younger children from the verbal attacks and the probable drug abuse that is in your home.

Best wishes

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 5:19pm
I'm sorry Robin.
It seems odd for the therapist to lump "leaving" and "dying" in the same question.
Could it be possible that your husband meant he would be relieved if you left?
It would seem plausible that two people not getting along may prefer the other to "leave", at least temporarily. The other, spoken out of anger serves no useful purpose.
I hope the two of you can resolve your differences. Good luck. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 9:48pm

I wanted to set one thing strait.I am not a drug user. I am on xanax and ambien to help me sleep and there were a few times when i did drink some wine whlie on the meds and learned the hard way not to mix those with alcahold.

I sent him an email asking him that very question. did he mean he would be relieved if i were to leave or did he mean he would be relieved if i were to die. he hasn't answered my email yet. tonight i'm staying at a friends house.

If he meant he would be relieved that i were to die then i'm going to have to take some drastic steps to keep my younger children emotionaly and physically safe. we have another meeting with the therapist this thursday. She told me over the phone the other day that she wants to meet with my dh on his own to see if they can work out some of their problems. i've been seeing her on my own for a while now. she also wants to get my older girls in and see if we can figure out what is going on. and if our family can be saved.

I'm not sure what to think right now.

Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 9:52pm

thank you for the contract i will show it to my therapist the next time i go and discuss it with her.

I was worried about their aunt giving them something or their cousin who i know sells pot. Each time my kids have to have blood work done for allergies or anything else i ask the pedi to add a drug screening so far they have come back negative. the kids don't know i've had them drug tested and i dont want them to know. I will continue to have them drug tested as long as they are going there.

I don't think them going there will be a problem much longer as my nephew is about to be arrested for distributing. I called and gave some annonmous (sp) information and found out he was already under investigation. When i told my dh about it today he went immed. and picked up our one dd and brough her home. i just have to wait and see what happens.

Robin

Robin

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