High School Boys!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2001
High School Boys!!
5
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 4:57pm

Ok, so this is probably going to be more of a rant so to all my fellow parents of teens...thanks in advance!

My dd is 17 and a senior in high school.  For the most part she is friendly, popular and has a pretty large friend base.  She ran for Homecoming Queen this year and came in 2nd.  We were extremely proud of her for putting herself out there and at least trying.  She is typical in that she can be moody and doesn't always take advice when its much needed.  Here's my beef.  On two separate occasions, she was "asked out" by boys in her class.  One took her to the homecoming dance.  On both occasions, both boys were soon after in touch with their "exes" and were in a quandry as to if they wanted to stay with my dd or go back to the ex.  One boy chose dd and one boy chose the ex.  DD was upset and felt used in both cases.  I'm trying to not involve myself too much as she needs to learn how to deal with these  sorts of things; however, its hard watching her be heartbroken and also see it play on her self esteem.  My advice to her was to hold out for a boy who wants her and ONLY her.  If he even is considering going back with his ex, then he doesn't truly want to be with her.  Understand, that I am in no way holding her totally unaccountable. Just like most girls her age, she likes the attention and I'm sure doesn't turn her back on these guys when she should!

My question is, what's up with these boys?  Is it their age and lack of maturity at this stage of the game?  What can I tell my dd without seeming like a pushy mom so she can realize she's worth so much more?

Lou

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 5:14pm

Well, I'm going to just suggest that this has more to do with the circle of kids you daughter is friends with than a symptom of all boys. 

For the most part, my dd#1's guy friends have had more broken hearts than her girl friends.  Now to be fair #1 has more guy friends than girl friends (surprising for such a girly girl!).  These guys though are playing far fewer games than the girls.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 7:34pm

ITA - although ds is 20 now, when he was in HS it was the girls who pulled that kind of thing  - he wanted an exclusive relationship (he's always been that way, including now in college).

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 10:49pm

When you say "exes," how long ago did they become exes?  I think I'd advise anyone if the boy (or girl) just broke up with someone a week ago & then asked you out, maybe they haven't gotten over their ex yet and it's probably isn't such a great idea to be rebound girl.  I'd think if they broke up several months ago or more it would be odd for the guy to be waffling about whether he should still be going out w/ his ex or your DD.  By the way, my son (before he came out as gay) had an ex GF who did this to him over a period of about 2 yrs--she'd dump him for another boy and then always come back to him. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 11:18am

Well, I do think that boys at this age are more immature...generally.  Or maybe she just got stuck with 2 immature boys.  Saying that, I do have one son that plays the field and would be more like this...and my younger son is as loyal as they come.

I think you just need to just keep telling her that if they give any indication of "choosing", she needs to choose to not be with them.  It is their right to look for their "love", but they need to learn tact and respect in not dangling someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 9:29pm

Feel free to rant and vent here as that is what it is here for.

With two SILs that are about a month younger than their brides, my observation is that boys do mature later than girls. Some guys and gals are just jerks who remain jerks for life.

Teen romances can be extremely complicated and painful for your teen and for you as your teen hurts.

One of Garth Brooks’ signature songs is UNANSWERED PRAYERS. You can Google search for the lyrics. It is the story of a guy who runs into his old high school flame at a local football game. She was the one he prayed to God that she would be his forever, but as they stood there they really didn’t have anything to say and looking at his wife, he thanked God for unanswered prayers. It is pretty descriptive of teen romances and where they go.

Hubby and I live with our two daughters and SILs who attend classes four evenings a week, while we and the other grandparents babysit the youngest couple’s two young sons. LUCKY US!!!!! Our daughters married the guys who took them to a junior high Halloween Dance and never dated anyone else. So our kids missed this type of drama.

Going a little further down the path than Musiclover did, I would wonder what level of romance these two guys had with their exes. If the guys have been intimate with these exes, this complicates things in many ways. This will sound silly in today’s world, but it is true none the less. I wish I had known it back in HS and college. Having been intimate, they have exchanged parts of their hearts with those exes; parts that they can never fully recover. They don’t have a whole heart to give the next mate. And that heart damage increases as the number of mates increases. In the out years they will compare future partners to earlier ones. Their minds will go back to those earlier mates when they should not. If this sounds like a mess, it should because it is.

Having been intimate, they—especially the guys--tend to want to pick up where they left off with the prior mate, even with girls who are still back in kissing 101. This makes for a mismatch of intentions that often puts the new girl at a serious disadvantage. And it sets her up for some major heartache.

In high school and college, I thought I was cool and popular, but in reality I was simply easy, available, and a truly stupid little $itch. Hubby was a male version of me. At 21, we began to wise up. After hubby and I married at 24, it took us about a decade to work our way through a freight train full of baggage from our high school and college days. And there are scars that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

Hubby and I have been able to build a happy and blessed marriage, but we both ENVY our daughters and SILs who have only had sex with one person. They are so kinky that they have never dated or kissed anyone else, other than as a child kisses a parent or the younger couple kiss their two little boys.

It sounds to me like you really have a great daughter and that you and she can discuss things like this. And that is a big plus for both of you. My suggestion would be to discuss the baggage that these guys may already have with your daughter and what that can mean to your daughter and her long term happiness.

I hope this ramble of mine helps in some way.