High School Dating????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
High School Dating????
15
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 2:54pm

I can't decide if my 17 yr old is dating or not? He is not shy or late blooming(like myself and my other 2 boys) and I would expect him to date frequently as DH did in high school

He spends almost all of his time with one male friend. In fact, they were voted 'best friends' for the senior section of the yearbook-yea, cute

He has gone to several dances but not all. He has gone to movies with a co-ed group on rare occassion over the years

Last night was homecoming and he and best friend M took their dates out to dinner and then the dance-corsages and all. He received permission to stay out until 2 if he called and told me where he was. Okay, he and M and another boy played video games from the time the dance ended until 2am

Today I asked about the girls and he said the 2 girls went to a club with some guy who promised to sneak them in

OK, Im not about to complain that DS didnt want to sneak into a club but...is this typical dating behavior at this age?

I'm glad we arent dealing with the overly serious love situations some teens get into but I'm also confused

Yes, I have wondered if the relationship between him and M is more than friends but....I'm not seeing anything to indicate that(and I dont really know what to look for either)

It's more like hes friends with everyone. And I get the impression that some of the female friends have come 'with benfits' but Im not seeing attachment or commitment here.

Shouldn't he have 'looked out' for his homecoming date or am I hopelessly old fashioned to think they should have stuck together and he should have taken her home

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 9:24pm

As you know, ds is only 13, so I can only go on my personal experience. I never dated much til sr. year of HS; before then I truly did hang out with one girl all the time (and even once I did start dating, the three of us were often together!). No, I never had any feelings but true girlfriendship (if that's a word!); we were (and still are) just very close friends. I'd guess that if your ds and his buddy took a couple of girls and found out the girls weren't really that compatible with them, they figured what the heck - let the girls go and do what they want and he and his buddy did what they wanted. I don't see that as being bad for not looking after the girls; I see both the guys and the girls getting to do what they wanted as it's obvious there really wasn't much between them. I wouldn't worry - I'd guess he and his buddy just haven't found girls they really care about yet.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 7:36am

I would be proud of your son that he didn't try to go with the crew to sneak into a club. And that he and his friend found something safe and fun to do until their curfew.

He may be a guy who's just not ready for the responsibility and pressure of "girlfriend" and "dating". My DD is younger (14yo), but she often describes the guys as more interested in throwing a football around or whatever than hanging out with girls. There are very few "couples" in her grade.

It might be nice if your son had seen his date home, but maybe she left him and not vice versa.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:58am
I think he sounds perfectly normal and enjoying his high school years.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:11am

Well, the pot smoking appears to have started again and this friend M is definitely the person it happens with

I have to wonder if I m getting the correct story or if the 2 of them just wanted to go off and smoke after teh dance and the girls weren't buying into it

I posted on the Troubled Teens board if anyone has advice to share

I thought we had made so much progress :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 11:12am

As the mother of a daughter AND a son, this is a bit of a puzzler to me. Neither one is old enough to date, I've no idea how present day dating works, and I'm probably a bit old-fashioned, and a lot naive in my thinking too. But for what it's worth ...

If my daughter left the house with a boy for what all intents and purposes appeared to be a date, (and this sure seems like one to me) I would expect that she would arrive back home again with the same boy. By allowing her to go out with him, we are trusting that he will feel responsible for her and will bring her back home safely. Common courtesy would dictate that she not ditch him for a better offer if it happened to come along during the course of the evening and allow him to take her home. However, if the date was not going well, or if she ended up in a position that made her uncomfortable or if her date was not behaving appropriately himself, well, that's a different scenario. If her date were drinking, doing drugs or his behavior was putting her in a bad situation, or if she just wanted the night to end and couldn't get her date to take her home, I HOPE that she would call me or DH to come get her rather than hitch a ride from the next available person.

Now, if my son left the house under the same circumstances, I would expect that he deliver his date back to her doorstep safely at the end of the evening. If, as happened to your DS, his date changed her mind about the evening mid-stream, I HOPE he would encourage the girl to call her parents and tell her about her change in plans. If she refused, I think I would want him to call the girl's house and tell her parents that he would not be bringing her home as planned, that she changed her plans and left with X at Y:00. If anything goes awry after the girl leaves the company of my DS, at least he would not be held accountable for the girls' whereabouts. Not that I expect anyone else to be accountable for anyone else's behavior, want to tattle or get anyone into trouble, but when a child leaves the house to do X with Y and the plans change, I want to know about the change, and I think most parents would.

I like how the boy whose gf broke up with him at the dance handled the situation when the girl wouldn't allow him to drive her home. Contacting the parents and asking if she got home okay was great and showed quite a bit of maturity, I think.

The issue about your DS spending so much time with his friend? Maybe he's just really not ready to date or have gf responsibilities. Sounds like it to me, if he's happier spending hours playing video games or hanging out with his friends. My brother was a real loner in high school. He is two years older and a jr when I was a freshman. No one even knew I had a brother, that's how quiet and invisible he was. He didn't go to dances, football games, nothing. He never really dated until well after he graduated, and then with girls he met at work, not from school.

Well, you got more than 2 pennies here ... got about 50 cents worth of my rambling ... sorry so long. Now I have one more scenario to toss out to my own kids when they start dating!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 11:43am

You have asked a very good question - how does dating work these days? My DD has been dating for a few years now and I don't have a clue how it all works. She drives everywhere they go or they ride with someone else. He has a vehicle but says he can't afford the gas. When I point out that it's not fair that she drive all the time, she says he pays for meals but then why do I have to give her money?

He rarely if ever comes to our house yet she is expected (by his mom) to go to his on Sunday afternoons when he's home from college. She's also expected to eat supper there on Saturday nights. I informed her that I understand his mom wanting to see him when he's home but she is not going to be over their both Sat and Sun unless they occassionally come to our house. When I was dating we were at my house in the afternoons during the week and then spent Sunday at his house. Fri and Sat nights we were out. Both sets of parents got to spend time with us and we understood that that was expected of us. Also the guy drove 90% of the time. He also picked the girl up and brought her home. The only time DD's b/f even comes to our house before they go on a date is if it's on the way and it might save him some gas to meet her here instead of somewhere else. The last time he "brought" her home was at my insistence b/c he almost got into a fight with her ex b/f and I didn't want DD driving our country roads alone so he followed her.

They also don't ever really do anything on their dates. They go to Sonic and hang out with friends.

When someone figures out how dating is done in this millenium, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:22pm

well, glad Im not the only one confused

He has taken this girl to a dance before-I cant recall the specifics but its been awhile.And I believe something similar happened then in that they did not leave together

I think this is more of a group of kids who hang together and they wanted to go to homecoming so they paired up in order to do it. Then once they 'played the part' of dressing up and exchanging flowers, they were on their own

I dunno. He paid for everything although she only ate a side salad. He bought a corsage.

It still seems like a date to me

I can live with him not being ready for dating. My worry is more that he cant expand his interests past whatever he and buddy M are doing(and what exactly is THAT)

And OTOH I dont want to read too much into all of this simply because I dont get dating today, KWIM??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:43pm
I don't know if this will help any or not but oldest DD (23) didn't start dating until her senior year of college. She was more focused on other things in her life. She had a handful of really close friends that she hung out with and at one point I really wondered about her sexuality. I half way expected her and one her female friends to move in together after college. I never really had to worry about what she and her friends were doing and if you think pot is involved, I would have serious issues with that and there would be changes going on. However, I wouldn't worry about the not dating much at this point. He will find that part of his life and it will probably be in the next couple of years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:58pm
I'm sorry you're dealing with this again.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:49pm

Dating differs between age, the group you hang out with, if you were the friends with the person before you started dating, and what your morals are.

With my group of friends, we usually are friends with the person first, talk to them at school and stuff, and hang out in a group of friends, sit together at the football games, and stuff like that. Not much one on one action. Then, one would ask the other on an offical "date". Dropped off by respective parents at some place to eat, walk to a movie, and picked up by parents. Or to homecoming or something The person who initiated the date is saying, "Yes, i do like you. Ask me out" and the other person is expected to ask them out (this time, asking them out being they will be "together"). Then yay, they're going out, hands off to anyone else. This may last 6 months, or 6 weeks. Most of the underclassmen date this way, though our group tends to move a bit slower. When "going out" they go do things together, but also hang out at each others houses.

My brother (17, senior) says he sees it working basically the same, though they go into the "dating" stage faster, and stay there longer, and don't always move on. My brother says the guy should drive for the dates, but once they've been going out longer, whoever has the most gas should drive, but it should be at least 50/50, if anyone has more, it should be the guy. My brother also says you don't go to each others houses very much, because "you just don't". Also, if you're just not digging each other, its okay to go your own ways and forget the date, or homecoming, or whatever.

Theres also the girls that ask guys out alot. They're the ones with alotta friends, know alotta guys, like alotta guys, and aren't necessarily "slutty" or anything, they just skip the whole dating thing, and go out with a guy, usually move alot faster in relationships in general, and end them more quickly.

This stuff all seems very "well, duh" to me, but i hope it explained a couple things for you@



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