Hmmm....the new college roommate

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Hmmm....the new college roommate
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Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:45pm

My daughter is leaving in two weeks for college. At the end of July, she got her roommate assignment, and ever since has been emailing back and forth with her to ask her questions about the room, her likes and dislikes, sleep schedule, etc. Just so they have some knowledge of each other before they walk in the door on move-in day. At first DD was quite excited, but the last few emails have made her say, "This girl is a party girl, and I'm not sure that's gonna work!" My response was that you couldn't judge someone based solely on email since you can't see their face, hear their voice, etc. However, I know DD pretty well and I sensed that there was more to it than that. I asked if I could read the roomie's most recent email and she just brushed me off trying to say it wasn't that important. Sleuth Mom here went to find the emails....sure enough they'd been deleted. The girl said she only smokes cigarettes when she is drunk, but does smoke weed on occasion. THAT is what has my DD upset. I think it's reasonable to assume DD has tried both cigarettes and drinking, but I also am fairly sure that it isn't something she does on a regular basis. As for weed, I don't think so. I think DD is worried that this girl is going to want to party all the time, and want to drag DD into it. I don't think that is what DD is looking for at college. She likes to have fun but she's also a pretty focused person when it comes to studying. She is also pretty cautious so I'm not sure how willing she is to try stuff like that. Anyway.....my question is....she doesn't know that I have knowledge of these emails. So how do I handle this information? I do want to discuss it with her in some form or another, but also don't want her to feel that I am going behind her and reading everything she writes. I don't usually do that.

Help!! Nancy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:59pm

Nancy, Having a child head off for a college education is two fold: "Learning though educational studies" and "learning to be a self sufficinet adult". Have you ever heard the term "Helicopter Parent?"----i.e- "Parents who hover over adult children" not allowing them to spread their wings.

From Wickpedia:
"A helicopter parent is a term for a person who pays extremely close attention to his or her child or children, particularly at educational institutions. They rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them or letting them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not".

Your 18-year-old(ish) daughter needs the experience of dealing with this situation on her own, if she is unhappy with the room mate she alone should handle it.....Learning to make adult decisons is what college is all about. Please resist the temptations to snoop and involve yourself..... Google Helicopter parent and you'll get alot of good information.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 1:11pm
I'm sure that it is tough....haven't had mine go yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 3:30pm

Jenny3kidsmom,

As a teacher in an affluent private school, I am subjected to kids who have everything....and especially their helicopter parents. I have a lot of experience with them. I realize that you do not know me, and of course are going only on what I said in my post. But I was a bit surprised at how strongly you indicated you felt I was being a snooping helicopter parent. You are welcome to your opinion, but I actually came to this board for support and advice, not chastisement. I think it is important to remember that any parent coming to this board is looking for support because they are concerned about the situations their children are experiencing. I also think that it is important that the responses we give in return should be positive and helpful.

Sincerely,

Nancy

Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 3:31pm

One, remember emails are probably a lot like myspace and facebook. It's really, really easy to exaggerate in an email. Not to say your dd's roommate *isn't* telling the truth, maybe she is, but she could be exaggerating things.

Secondly, your dd sounds like a very focused girl. She may not be persuaded, simply by a roommate, to do something she is just not interested in. In high school, was she swayed by what all the other kids were doing? If she wasn't, I'm betting she won't be so easily swayed now.

That being said, I understand your concern. Could you relate some of your own college experiences in such a way that you could get your point across without letting on you know what was in the emails? Just kind of general stuff...how hard it is to say no, even when you really don't want to do something, just so you can join in with a crowd. Or how you spent lots of time at the library because someone on your floor was constantly playing the music too loudly or there was too much going on in the dorm to study. Stuff like that.

Finally, at least there was a hundred years ago, the ability to switch roommates if things just become unbearable. I personally never lived in the dorms, but my sister did, and I believe she had to switch roommates that first year. Honestly, I'm not sure about the details or even if it is allowed any more, but that's something you and your daughter can check into together (before she ever gets to college) to have as an absolute last resort.

Learning to live with a roommate is a difficult thing to do, but it is a learning experience. She will gain a lot of confidence in herself if she can figure out how to handle it own her own, once she gets there. But by just chatting with her beforehand, you might be able to give her some tips on how to handle it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 3:46pm

Mjaye2002,

Thanks for your response. I went to the University of Michigan which is a very large, liberal school. I lived in the dorms for two years and experienced lots of situations involving people drinking, doing dope, smoking, sex...you name it. However, I was fortunate in several ways. I had a roommate who was very respectful of me and my space even though we weren't particularly good friends. So yeah....I am definitely aware that moving in with a roommate, especially when it's a stranger, can be a challenge. My concern in not that this girl parties.....that would describe MANY college students, but that she is freely admitting that she smokes dope, and she hasn't even met my daughter. I agree that MySpace and Facebook can be exagerations of the truth, and sometimes, even downright lies. I am not concerned with those. My concern is with the emails saying she only smokes cigarettes when she is trashed, and the stuff about dope. Her last comment was "as long as you like to party, we should be able to get along". It seems pretty clear that she wants to make sure DD knows she parties, and parties hard. It has been my experience that people usually reveal more about themselves in person, once they get to know another person. But this girl is laying a lot out there in her emails, which makes me wonder what else she might reveal once she gets to know DD. I'm not sure this is the way I want DD to start her college career. All I'm trying to do is figure out the best way to prepare her for dealing with all this stuff.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 3:59pm

from one "super sluth" to another LOL. I think the good news is that your dd already told you she was a bit worried. I would just try and open that conversation back up and maybe you could even ask if there is more bothering her. You said that you felt there was more to it and that was why you went looking for the e-mails.

Good luck,

Julie

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 4:13pm

Without letting on you read the emails, I'm not sure what you *can* do to prepare her, other than relating your own college experiences and how you handled them, or sitting down with her and envisioning things that "might" happen with her own roommate and what she could do, or things she could say. Since she did tell you this girl was a party girl, just approach it from that angle. Start with drinking and partying and progress to sex and drugs. That way, you are covering all bases, and she wouldn't have to know you actually read the emails.

I know this isn't really helping, but its the best I can come up with. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 7:50pm

I was shocked at how tight a ship DS2's dorm was last year! I just 'assumed' that it would be looser than back when I was in school; it sure seems like everything else is!!

But, nope! Their RA took things very seriously and one young man had to leave because of writing some lewd things on a girl's message board(hanging on outside of her door-I thought that was a little strong myself but I imagine I got the 'guys' version)We had to leave our drivers license at the front desk just to get in for parents day!

The only looser thing I saw was sex related. Back in the day, we could not have overnight male guests. Now they dont care about guests of the opposite sex(coed dorm)as long as they are signed in and they have their drivers license at the desk

So Ms Party Girl may be in for a surprise

You can have the conversation with DD based on your experience and experience you may have heard of.

Worst case scenario, she can change at semester and spends a lot of this semester at the library-be sure to suggest that as a place to study and get away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:23pm
Thanks....all of you...for your thoughtful feedback. I appreciate the support. One thing I do remember about living in a dorm is that people are LOUD. It may not even be your own roommate, but if you are a person who needs peace and quiet, you may have to go study elsewhere. I remember finding places to go to study....the library in off hours (during the middle of the day) or taking advantage of the hours when my roomie was in class. And then there are other inconveniences like snoring, talking in their sleep, doing yoga at 3 AM.....lol...that can just be a pain but have to be adjusted to. It's the potentially dangerous/illegal activities that concern me the most. Those are the ones I intend to casually/discreetly discuss with my DD. I think I can approach it from the point of view of remembering my own experiences (there were LOTS of them), plus pointing out things that DD's brother has lived through with roommates. So....we'll see how it goes. Wish us luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:11pm
I wouldn't want my daughter rooming with someone like that. Since your daughter expressed concern,just say I thought about what you said and maybe you can judge a person by their emails more than I thought. Get your daughter talking about it. I found out info about what my daughter was doing on line and I investigated and never told her I did. I just told her I found the info some other way...It gave her somebody to confide in..by talking with me about it...You're only trying to help and protect your daughter which is hard to do in this tecnological age. But I think parents have to...I'd get your daughter chatting about this...I bet she would welcome the chance to talk about it...if you just get chatty...Well, I hope it works out ..let us know..Good Luck!

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