Hmmm....the new college roommate

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Registered: 01-29-2004
Hmmm....the new college roommate
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Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:45pm

My daughter is leaving in two weeks for college. At the end of July, she got her roommate assignment, and ever since has been emailing back and forth with her to ask her questions about the room, her likes and dislikes, sleep schedule, etc. Just so they have some knowledge of each other before they walk in the door on move-in day. At first DD was quite excited, but the last few emails have made her say, "This girl is a party girl, and I'm not sure that's gonna work!" My response was that you couldn't judge someone based solely on email since you can't see their face, hear their voice, etc. However, I know DD pretty well and I sensed that there was more to it than that. I asked if I could read the roomie's most recent email and she just brushed me off trying to say it wasn't that important. Sleuth Mom here went to find the emails....sure enough they'd been deleted. The girl said she only smokes cigarettes when she is drunk, but does smoke weed on occasion. THAT is what has my DD upset. I think it's reasonable to assume DD has tried both cigarettes and drinking, but I also am fairly sure that it isn't something she does on a regular basis. As for weed, I don't think so. I think DD is worried that this girl is going to want to party all the time, and want to drag DD into it. I don't think that is what DD is looking for at college. She likes to have fun but she's also a pretty focused person when it comes to studying. She is also pretty cautious so I'm not sure how willing she is to try stuff like that. Anyway.....my question is....she doesn't know that I have knowledge of these emails. So how do I handle this information? I do want to discuss it with her in some form or another, but also don't want her to feel that I am going behind her and reading everything she writes. I don't usually do that.

Help!! Nancy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:29pm

Nancy,
When you come into a public forum soliciting advise, you shouldn't be surprised and agitated if the advise you receive is not to your liking. I'm sorry if I may have bumped into some thin skin here....Maybe you should add a "please reply if you agree with me" disclaimer about snooping on my adult child and her emails. Anyway--- have a nice day.

By the way- What does affluence have to do with being a "helicopter parent"? Even poor people hover over their kids Nancy...

Jenny :)




Edited 8/12/2007 10:33 pm ET by jenny3kidsmom
Avatar for bookwormmom
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Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:43pm
Nancy,
I understand your concerns and I think they are quite normal for any mom sending her child off to college. I also think you have a pretty good handle on who your daughter is and how you will handle the situation now. Talking to her about what to do etc. I think it is a good idea to discuss possible solutions before she goes rather than having her call you out of the blue and asking how to handle a situation.
I certainly don't feel you are being a helicopter parent, if you were you would already be on the phone to the school getting her room mate changed. I think you are being a level headed concerned mom.
Kristie
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Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 11:32pm
I don't think you are being an helicopter mom. I think you are being a caring, careful mom. Your daughter brought up this topic to you. So, basically she was reaching out to you. But even if she didn't, you have the best motives: to help your daughter. If we don't look out for our children, who will? Some parents say I am too much in my daughter's life. But others say they think that is being smart. Basically, I think you have to watch out for your kids--even when they when they are over 18. I did dumb things at 19. Once I almost got raped on my college campus by trying to help someone find a dog! Duh. Today there's a lot of information about this, but in those days everyone was trusting. I was taken back by that helicopter mom response too. If I am one, I am glad. I just wrote an article about how parents have to get involved with kids on the internet, etc. Many parents don't even go on line. Look what happened to Miss New Jersey posting inappropriate photos. We know what our kids doing our house. So, why shouldn't we know what they do electronically. I would not want my daughter rooming with someone who smokes pot. It sounds like your daughter doesn't want to either. It seems she doesn't want to get the other girl in trouble. I think that's why she erased the e-mails. She wasn't going to let something that wasn't allowed be on the computer. But she is an awkward situation. We live in a very affluent area--too affluent for some of the kids' own good. They have pot day at the public high school--and the kids are in to drugs. My manicurist' daughter, on the other hand, goes to a more modest high school. I asked her if she was exposed to drugs at her school and she said no that the kids don't have money. I went to NYU and almost everyone I knew was taking drugs but me it seemed at least. The kids pressured me. If I went to the ladies room, I could never drink my soda when I came back. I knew there was a chance they would slip me something. I am concerned because my daughter is starting high school. It is a private school where kids come from a variety of towns. We went to the headmasters' reception and one of the parents said there was a problem with kids drinking at parties on week ends. They said they had come to the conclusion that you shouldn't let your kid go to parties then. I didn't agree. I felt the parties should be supervised/chaperoned--albeit discreetly. I am concerned. I will be concerned when they go to college about driving, drinking, drugs, the whole enchilada. My mother left me a note when she passed on. She said: Don't burn yourself out. Your kids will need you a long time. My mom let me on a very loose rope--she was a long distance mom. I went off to work in Vermont one summer and didn't even call to tell her I arrived for a month. But she still stayed involved in my life and I will do likewise. Your daughter sounds lovely. I hope she gets this situation straightened out--and with a caring, sensitive mother like you, I'm sure she will. Keep being watchful! Let us know how it works out. I think we can all learn from each other. Good Luck!
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Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 9:53am
Hi Nancy - sorry this is late but I certainly understand your concern.
Pam
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Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 3:17pm

Jenny, LOL....you're right 'affluent' does not necessarily equate with helicopter parents. It just so happens that I have run into many 'copter parents at my school. As for coming to a public forum....obviously I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I do hope that people will be kind and respectful of the fact that I am obviously a concerned parent. Since we don't know each other, it does not matter if you agree with me, or me with you. You didn't bump any thin skin either. I guess I just choose to give my opinions in a positive way instead of a critical one. Each to their own.

Nancy

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Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:44am
Can't she just change roommates? Is it unrealistic to think that a kid should be able to live with someone who doesn't do drugs? I went to NYu--and I was under a lot of pressure to use drugs from other kids. I couldn't even leave my soda glass and drink from it again when I went to the girls room, as other kids wanted you on drugs, especially the guys. I wouldn't want to room with anybody on drugs. Call me old-fashioned, but can't your daughter request a drug free roomie even at this stage--or at least soon. I changed after first semester.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:00am

Nancy,

Like you I've been labeled a 'helicopter parent'. My son got in trouble for admitting to drinking before a football game (no breathalyzer, not caught in the act, not on school property, normal appearance at the game; and the interrogation happened 4 days after the game--no questioning of the students at the game). He, along with 4 others who were dumb enough to admit it, had to undergo a drug test & evaluation by an addictions counselor, were suspended for 5 days, could not park in any school parking lot for 90 days and could not leave campus for lunch for 90 days. I questioned the administration about what proof they had that my son had alcohol in his body when he was at the football game, and they could not prove it. (He told me he did drink a little, but not at the game.) They removed the suspension from his record, but it was after he'd served the 5 days suspension. The 90-day punishments remained in effect. As a result of the school's criminalization of him, he was severely depressed for about a month, for which I convinced him see a psychologist, and not back to normal for at least 3 months. The incident is what brought me to this board, and while some parents were supportive, there were a couple who hinted that I should just let my son suffer the consequences and learn his lesson. I felt I needed to teach him to stand up for his rights, even though in our HS administrators' eyes, a student has NONE!

You went to U of M? So did DS24, but DS17 will be starting at MSU this month. How about your DD?

DS showed me his roommate's facebook and there's a photo of him in a beer-pong setting. Both of them are in a no-alcohol dorm room, but I know that doesn't mean they'll stay away from alcohol, only that they cannot bring it in the dorm IF the RA enforces the rule. Because my DS17 has been such a follower through HS, I am concerned that he'll be dragged into the partying scene, especially if his roommate is a leader/partier. I totally understand your concern, and it does not make you a helicopter parent.

As OPs have advised, I think the best we can do is to talk with our kids, going through lots of "problems" they might encounter, and how they might deal with them. (The quotes are used cuz I know my DS does not readily recognize that something that appears totally safe, can become a problem.) Not too long ago I read about some college/university administrator who was sued because a boy died after having drunk too much on campus. I think he may even have been 21, but anyone who drinks that much cannot be called a 'man'. I hope that will convince colleges to crack down on ALL drinking, not just underage drinking. I surely hope so.

Good luck to your DD, and to you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 3:53am

UM Ann Arbor? I just graduated from U of M this past December. Yes, it's a large and liberal school, but it's certainly not an easy school to get into, nor is it an easy school to graduate from. If I'm not mistaken, it's still ranked in the top 20 schools (if not the top 10) in the U.S. But I certainly managed to survive (thrive, even), while indulging, quite frequently, in marijuana, and occasionally indulging in hallucinogenic drugs (including LSD and hallucinogenic mushrooms). However, I wasn't a "party kid" by any means; I wasn't big into the bar scene, I didn't attend huge keg parties, I didn't socialize with the frat boys or sorostitutes (a term coined by us "hippies" to describe the modern sorority girl); I just liked my pot (and still do). Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the roommates' drinking habits than her pot habits. Potheads generally don't fall under the category of "partiers" (unless you consider a few bong hits and some quality time playing Katamari on Playstation 2 a "party"); I would hope, after being exposed to the U of M environment, you might be able to see where I'm coming from.

Bohemian_Siren (formally Wolverinegrrl84)




Edited 8/19/2007 4:46 am ET by bohemian_siren
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 11:00am

My DS just left for his 2nd year of college. Last year he had to live in the dorm and was assigned a roommate as were his 2 best friends from HS who went to the same university. The University made it virtually impossible for any of the 3 to be roommates. DS and the roommate emailed and they seemed compatible enough. Once there, what he found was they were really really different. His roommate went to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 and was up at 5 a.m. to work out. DS is a night owl and is usually up tile 2:00 a.m. and then up when he has to for class. He called me after about a week to ask if I could send him an extra ethernet from home. I said sure buy why did he need 2. He had figured out that he could move to the commons area to work after roommate went to bed. He also rigged up some clear Christmas lights so he could manuever the room after roommate was in bed and roommate could before DS was up. In talking to his best friend's moms it totally seemed like my son had gotten the worst as far as roommate. However, by mid first semester it was obvious and only became more so as the year went on that he had the best... not because they were alike or anything changed, but because they BOTH accepted the differences in each other and worked to combat those. That is part of becoming an adult.
This year he, the two best friends from HS and one other college friend have gotten an apartment so they are working thru how to work together to pay bills and such.

One other thing is that while my DS's school is not known as a "party" school, but rather an academic one, it is large with over 40,000 students (4 times our town). Drugs and alcohol flow freely there and from what he has told me the campus police ignore it for the most part as long as it doesn't get out of hand and the city police don't come onto campus because campus has its own police. His HS friends ended up in the same dorm last year on different floors and alcohol was all over that dorm. In DS's dorm, the drug was pot. If your child has their head on straight all of this will just flow past them. If not, then it may be a problem. DS was not affected at all because he chose not to be just as he had in HS as did his two friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 2:18pm

Nancy,

Julie said what I was thinking. I do not think you need to tell her that you know about the emails. The fact that she is expressing concern about this future roommate is cause for relief on your part. It is an indication that you have raised a responsible young woman. I would think that your next move would be to just let her know that you respect her for wanting to make sure that she has a very supportive living environment for her freshman year and that you are totally available to assist her IF she feels she needs the assistance. Then I would wait for her to bring up the subject again.

As far as the partying goes, I can remember (ancient history) partying until the results of the first set of preliminary exams when the reality of needing to concentrate on studying set in. Those that did not heed that wake-up call, quickly became ex-roommates and well as ex-students.

Jason

PS: If you didn't follow the thread started by Momarose "Techno Age & Teens-Myspace/Facebook" you might want to read it. It is a full discussion of the pros and cons of parental cyber-snooping.

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

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