How to Deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
How to Deal
8
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 1:58pm

I posted this under another thread, but didn't want it to get lost plus I'd like some advise from all you "seasoned" parents out there: are you listening, Rose and Lea? LOL.

DD14 told me yesterday that walking in the bustling halls of her high school she ran into a sophomore or junior who told her, "Did you not see me walking, b****?" To which my dd said she replied, "no, I didn't." She has been sharing with me how some of these kids who are sometimes even less than a year older than my dd (who is has a December birthday) are "talking down" to the freshmen. I like that she shares this stuff with me, but it eats me up inside sometimes. I don't know what to say to her, and I know that she also doesn't want my "help". How are kids supposed to deal with this stuff? Just let it slide off your back? Become tough and get ready to do the same when you're the older kid? I guess there is nothing to really do except "live and let live". There are people like that in the world, that hate everything, just stay away from them. What can I tell her? It makes me feel guilty when I'm on her about "clean up this room, for crying out loud!" when I hear of the *stuff* she has to deal with every day. Sigh. I want home to be that "soft place" to fall. But my knee jerk reaction is, "Okay, that's it, we're homeschooling from now on!" Of course, I don't really mean that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:15pm

Stuff like that just brinks out the 'mama bear' in us, doesn't it?

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:20pm

It is so hard to watch them leave every morning and knowing some of the crap that they will have to deal with. However, you are right, there really isn't much you can do. You COULD talk the vice principal and report it but chances are it won't do much good unless DD is willing to ID the people and that won't do her reputation any good. The best thing she can do is ignore it. You might casually ask her teachers during the next conference how many teachers patrol the hallways during class change just to make sure that you feel anything of a physically violent nature would be noticed and dealth with. Stress to DD to remember how this makes her feel so that she can encourage her friends no to do this next year when they are the older ones.

At DD's high school, the jr's in particular liked to talk down to the special ed kids. This really upset DD as her walking partner in wellness was one of the special ed kids. When DD realized this was a problem, she started walking with some of the special ed kids. She also talked some of the baseball players and softball players to do the same. DD was sort of the big female jock on campus so this did put an end to alot of it. Her actions simply showed the older kids what jerks they were being.

We just recently had a small riot on one of high school campuses. I'm really sort of glad DD isn't in high school right now b/c homeschooling would begin to look awfully appealing!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:26pm

I know this one!! My pee-wee gets this at his school occasionally. Bullying happens everywhere and is totally inescapable. Jeez, I have bullies at work, although thankfully it takes on a different face than the classic in the hall bumping. Think about it; bullying happens.


The first time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:37pm

I have an unusual situation in that my 10th grade son was homeschooled last year and my 7th grade daughter was shipped over to a charter school that was k-8 w/uniforms where she was basically really watched over by the teachers due to the small size of the school/classes. This year the new high school opened, but it's 7-10th grade only so they're both there now. My kids come home every day telling about things like this, in particular my daughter kept being called a B***H in the hallways. She eventually made a poster spelling out the word and using each letter as a saying, something positive about her. Beautiful, Intellegent, Thoughtful, Caring and Hilarious! She knows she can't control what others call her, but this makes her stand up proud and say "Yep, I am!".

On an interesting sidenote, my hubby is ready to blow up at all the BS from the other kids that they are having to put up with...THIS coming from the man who constantly worried about our son's lack of 'socialization' last year while being homeschooled! HAH!!! Guess he should be careful what he asks for!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:43pm

I know just how you feel about this! It was during DD's 8th grade bust up drama that I really became conscious of the tone of my voice when I spoke to her. I knew she was having a tough time at school, so I made every effort to make home a safe haven. Not to say I didn't still nag, I just made sure I did it differently ... "I think you better find a good stopping place with that computer game and get your homework started" rather than "That's enough of that! Get your homework done!" KWIM?

One of the things I've found best when one of these things happen is to acknowledge it, let your DD know that you understand how she felt/feels, but then say as little as possible about it -- even though you may feel quite indiginant!

One of my favorite lines is to say "Wow, that girls' parents aren't doing a very good job teaching her manners or how to be a lady." Kind of a slam, I know, but there's the evil side of me.

OR ... I say "sounds like she was having a really bad day", "must be PMS" ... and then, "you may want to steer clear of that girl/group, etc., it doesn't sound like they're/she's a very nice girl."

Like thebetty said, your DD will come across people like that all her life, we all do. How many times have you been nearly run down by a stranger in the mall because you were walking a little too slow for that persons' likes? Happens to me ALL the time! Sometimes I shout after them, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get in your way." Probably I should stop that though. In this state, it could come to blows.




Edited 10/5/2006 2:47 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

Avatar for jobismom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 5:14pm

Well you all got me to thinking about my nagging voice - often my 15 yr old and I butt heads but to be completely honest we always have since he was little he'd debate the color of the sky some days I swear. Recently he broke down and was saying "you dont know how hard Im workin in school" and repeated that a few times and I was thinking afterwards it is a long day of hard work for them especially freshmen in a new school.

My approach with bullying is always remember how you want to be treated. When they witness bullying they've often spoken up about it. My dd came to work with me over the summer 2 yrs ago in special ed and got a better understanding of special ed. Ive never discouraged them from friends based on race, disabilities etc. My dd read a story in one of the Chicken Soup books about a child who was being bullyed and she saw a similarity to a child at school and reached out.

Theres a point when to get involved or not and each incident is different. I also try to get the whole picture b4 calling the school if I can by talking to another parent whose child may be involved or someone who may have knowledge of the situation so I dont go Mama Bear without the whole story CWIM.

You are lucky she shares about her day with you, Im sure just being able to speak about things like that is a comfort to her. I guess sometimes we just need to listen and monitor things. My advice isnt so great but you've enlightened me with this post thankyou, T

 Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 5:43pm

I actually didn't mean that I would tell her to do that, but the fact is that this kind of thing gets "passed down". I see it a little bit with my ds who is a junior this year. I've always discouraged this kind of behaviour, but we're all human after all and I think revenge is also a human feeling to have. I'm just worried underneath it all is festering a great anger and hopefully she will always choose to do the right thing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
In reply to: mom_dragonfly
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 7:13pm

So sorry your DD is dealing with this. I'm sure it happens in every school to some extent. I'd be worried and take action if it was planned and focussed on one kid or group of kids. Or made someone unhappy to go to school. I think extra hugs, and helping her see the friends she does have, will help her deal.

In my DD's HS, it's almost assumed that the 10-12 graders look down on the 7-9th. They're the big kids. I hope it's just teasing and nothing worse.

Sue