How to deal with annoying friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2007
How to deal with annoying friends?
6
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 12:28pm

Silly problem here. My 13yo DD has a friend who calls her several times a day looking for something to do. She invites DD over, asks to go to the movies together, etc. She calls, texts, calls again over and over again. My DD likes this girl (but not alot). She doesn't want to hang out with her every day and probably wouldn't care if she didn't see her for the rest of the summer. I understand that it's summer and that this girl is probably bored, but she's driving my DD crazy. How can she tactfully tell this girl to 'bug off'?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:08pm

We just went through something similar. My dd has a best friend and then they both have different groups of friends that they hang out with too. For the most part they are together, but when one of them in not around, they hang with the other groups.

There is one girl who is the most annoying kid I have ever seen - sorry if that sounds harsh, but I can't be in the car with her for more than two minutes without feeling like someone is running their nails up and down a chalkboard. I digress ... this girl is always calling either dd or her best friend wanting to do something and pushing her way into the middle of them. Neither of them like this girl, but they've been polite and asked her along several times - only to realize that their feelings are right ... they really don't like her.

This summer has been a real problem with her hanging around, showing up uninvited, starting trouble between the two girls, etc. Finally dd and her bffl sat the girl down and had a talk with her. They were very straight, but polite (I was nearby and heard most of the conversation). They told her she needed to calm down, they told her that they were best friends and wanted to spend time together without other people sometimes and that they did not appreciate her pushing her way inbetween them. She was hurt, but she's backed off. So far for the past few weeks, she's been polite and waiting to be invited - hinting that she'd like to be invited to events - but not pushing her way in.

Not sure if this will help or not - but I've always been a big promoter of honesty as the best policy. I advised the girls to keep it nice and polite and not to get witchy and mean - they did that and it seems to have worked. I actually think this girl had no idea that she was acting that way and hopefully by hearing some good advice from my girls, she'll earn more real friendships and won't be so desperate to push in on others.

Take care,
Jem

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:13pm

Warning: I actually wanted a teenager's response on this so I asked my 14 year old Carlin.

My children screen. Its a little horrible, but they learned it from Sex & the City. If someone calls or texts and they do not feel like dealing with that person they just wont respond or not answer. They tend to call back at a later time, and usually when they can't hang out. It is a little rude, but they do not do it all the time or as a way to avoid problems.

Have your daughter tell the other girl that she just cant hang out right now. She doesn't have to lie she can just say that she can't at the moment.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:31pm

I can't think of a way to advise my DD to get her to back off without hurting this girl. I'm not sure honesty as the best policy works here since they are not best friends.


About screening...DD does this, but this girl will keep calling - cell phone, home phone, text, etc. until she gets a response. And she offers invitations that need a response. But then DD has to have an excuse to go along with it. I hate to encourage her to lie...but the more this girl calls, the more she dislikes her.


Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 2:07pm
DD doesn't really need an excuse. All she really needs to say is "Sorry I can't join you"
and leave it at that. If the girl asks her why, she just should say "The reason doesn't matter, I just can't"
This is something that we as women have a problem with, saying no and not having to justify why we are saying no.
There is a gal that my friend and I used to work with, she is okay, but we really don't like her that much. M and I get together for lunch every week or two and this other gal found out that we were going to lunch once and asked if she could join us. We let her join in and since then she wants to always be included. Right now it isn't so bad, because M has a baby and L is working full time and doesn't have the time. Working out a time with the baby and L's schedule is tough so we don't have to deal with it as much. But it is the same kine of problem that your dd is having. We don't want to hurt her and we don't know how to get it across to her that we would just like this time together.
Guys don't seem to have this problem and they don't understand why we do. I don't know how they do it.
I guess my point in this is that this is something we end up dealing with all our lives and I guess if she can start to just say "Sorry I can't" now she will have a start to dealing with it for life.
KWIM
Kristie
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:00pm

Couldn't your DD say something like "Today really isn't good for me and I have so many things going on this summer that I'm not sure when it WILL be a good time. Why don't *I* call YOU when I've got the time for us to get together."

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:16pm

I agree with the PP who said just say "I can't" and don't get into excuses. My 16yo agrees - any excuse you give will give an opening for the friend to say "Oh,...well..." and find a way in.

I also agree that there may be a tactful way to tell this girl how to be a better friend - people will like you better if you don't push so much.

((Hugs)) for your DD - this is a toughie!

Sue