How to deal with 'I hate you mom'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
How to deal with 'I hate you mom'
19
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 1:11pm

Without getting into too much background (there is a lot)...I have a 16 year old daughter. Her dad and I have been divorced for over 7 years. He has remarried, and I am engaged. I also have a 12 year old son...and two soon to be 'step' sons ages 9 and 10.

My daughter is a smart girl...highest grades in her class, well on her way to be Valedictorian. She is funny and normally a wonderful joy to be around. The problem? I told her that when I got my tax refund, that I would get her a laptop. She really needs one for school. I got my refund about a week ago...she has found a laptop she wants. Her words...'it's pretty'. However, it's a bit expensive. AND, only the display is left. I have a problem getting a display model when it comes to laptops...people are not easy on them in the stores. She is visiting her dad this weekend...he took her to look at dresses for prom. Why he does that when he isn't when he can't afford to buy her one, IDK.. Anyway...she found one...for almost $400. Ok, I am a bargain hunter...she knows this. Why she thought I'd even consider paying that much for a dress she's only gonna wear once is beyond me. Anyway...she posted on facebook yesterday that she hates people who don't keep their promises. All of her posts come directly to my phone. I texted her and asked if she was upset about the laptop or the dress. She said both. I said I agree that I promised to get a laptop...however, I did not agree to get her THAT laptop and I did not agree to get it 'right this second'.

My question is...regardless of how you feel about teens having laptops or anything...have you ever had to deal with 'I hate you' scenario and how did you do it? She and I have always been very close...she has never given me a moments trouble in her 16 1/2 years. If anything, I figured it would be her brother that would do this. I am so hurt that I cried myself to sleep last night..and I never cry. I don't know how to deal with this...I feel like all I am to her is a bank...I realize a lot of teenagers treat their parents this way..but it is so out of character for her. She's always been 'mama's girl'...I'm just...devistated and don't know what to do.

Any advice you have will be appreciated...

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Avatar for cmlisab
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 2:14pm
sabrtooth wrote:
Or, you can do what THIS dad did, when his dd posted a rant on FB about having to do chores! http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2012/02/father-shoots-daughters-laptop.html

LOL! I was JUST about to post that video myself.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 5:50pm

mom uk, you are so kind to flatter me with your praise.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 6:40pm

Hi,

I have a radical idea for you: Make your daughter save 50% of the cost of what she wants next time she wants something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 8:05pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 10:55pm
Ignore the "hate" phrase. It's like boys on the playground. If they know it bothers you, they'll keep doing it. Teenagers do respond well to choice, however. What you might do is set aside a specific amount of money for the dress and computer. Then, she can use it however she likes for a *new* computer and a dress with your approval. She gets a say in her new computer and you get to come off as the good guy by giving her your trust to pick out what is best for her. Use it as a teaching experience to research computer, look for sales, etc.
Build your own free website for your family pictures! www.totsites.com
Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 9:41pm
This too shall pass! Stick to your guns! I have to agree with some other posters and basically come up with a budget for the laptop and for prom (the whole event, not just the dress) and stick to it! These are valuable lessons to be learned!!

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 9:50pm
That guy is such a jerk! He threw a public tantrum. I don't see his reaction being much different than any teen. And, he fired that gun in a populated area! There are cars going by in the background! I wish they would have thrown him in jail for firing a weapon in a neighborhood! I kept hoping that a bullet would bounce back and hit him between the eyes, but there is nothing up there anyway. I the daughter received a job offer from a local ice cream parlor because the owner felt sorry for her!!

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 9:51pm

Thank you all for the great advice !

The update is: I did talk with her...I was able to keep my emotions in place. I asked her if she honestly thought that I would have bought the dress for her. She said 'no', that she knew I woudn't have. I asked her what my promise regarding the laptop actually was. She said that I had said I woudl get her one...not a specific laptop and not at a specific time. I explained to her that it was my tax return and that I was giving her the gift of being able to get something each year at tax time.

As for the post...all of her posts come to my phone. She knows this. I only told her that she needed to be very careful what she posted in any public forum...and that if she has an issue with anyone - especially family - then she needed to take care of it in person. We do not air our dirty laundry for the world to see.

She apologized several times. I told her that I love her and there is nothing she could say or do that would make me stop loving her...but that meant that she had the power to hurt...and she needed to be very careful about choosing words, especially those designed to hurt.

As for her abilities with money. She is normally very good with it. She's taken finance classes...is able to save birthday money, etc. The issue is mostly that her father is horrible with money...and he is famous for getting both of my kids hopes up for things that aren't going to happen. It is a battle I fight almost everyday...

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 12:48pm

So as you see, it was all a tempest in a pot of tea.

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