How to deal with 'I hate you mom'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
How to deal with 'I hate you mom'
19
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 1:11pm

Without getting into too much background (there is a lot)...I have a 16 year old daughter. Her dad and I have been divorced for over 7 years. He has remarried, and I am engaged. I also have a 12 year old son...and two soon to be 'step' sons ages 9 and 10.

My daughter is a smart girl...highest grades in her class, well on her way to be Valedictorian. She is funny and normally a wonderful joy to be around. The problem? I told her that when I got my tax refund, that I would get her a laptop. She really needs one for school. I got my refund about a week ago...she has found a laptop she wants. Her words...'it's pretty'. However, it's a bit expensive. AND, only the display is left. I have a problem getting a display model when it comes to laptops...people are not easy on them in the stores. She is visiting her dad this weekend...he took her to look at dresses for prom. Why he does that when he isn't when he can't afford to buy her one, IDK.. Anyway...she found one...for almost $400. Ok, I am a bargain hunter...she knows this. Why she thought I'd even consider paying that much for a dress she's only gonna wear once is beyond me. Anyway...she posted on facebook yesterday that she hates people who don't keep their promises. All of her posts come directly to my phone. I texted her and asked if she was upset about the laptop or the dress. She said both. I said I agree that I promised to get a laptop...however, I did not agree to get her THAT laptop and I did not agree to get it 'right this second'.

My question is...regardless of how you feel about teens having laptops or anything...have you ever had to deal with 'I hate you' scenario and how did you do it? She and I have always been very close...she has never given me a moments trouble in her 16 1/2 years. If anything, I figured it would be her brother that would do this. I am so hurt that I cried myself to sleep last night..and I never cry. I don't know how to deal with this...I feel like all I am to her is a bank...I realize a lot of teenagers treat their parents this way..but it is so out of character for her. She's always been 'mama's girl'...I'm just...devistated and don't know what to do.

Any advice you have will be appreciated...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 2:09pm
The first time one hears "I hate you mom" iit feels devistating, I know. My "baby" is now 20 and between her and her 3 brothers I've lost track of how often I've heard it. The less you respond to it, the less you are likely to hear it. Some kids find out that those 4 words are the key to getting what they want. I usually either tried to ignore it while sticking to my original decision or simply said "that's too bad but I love you a lot." Letting them know just how much those words hurt could be giving them an awful let of ammunition. Your daughter might not be one of the kids that would use it, but why take the chance? If it's any consolation, I haven't heard those words from my kids in years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 4:46pm

Both of my teens have laptops, so I think that's fine. However, we picked them out and gave them as gifts when they each turned 14. Your daughter seemed to think that she would be able to choose her own laptop without any input from you regarding price.

So when she's not angry, tell her that you'd like to talk about this with her. If necessary, apologize for giving her the impression she could choose her laptop. Tell her that of course you'll honor your promise to buy her one, but you've set a budget of X. And if you do plan to buy her prom dress, then tell her your budget for that. If not, help her brainstorm ways to earn the money for it.

And I would definitely mention that you were hurt by her disrespectful words. Say it calmly and without emotion, but do tell her. And you should also bring up the fact that it is not acceptable to vent on her FB page when she had not even done the courtesy of talking to you directly. That's just wrong and it's a character issue that needs to be dealt with.

During your entire conversation with her, do not get emotional, even if she does. Just state calmly that you are going to keep your promise to her, but that she was in the wrong for treating you the way she did and that you expect more from her in the future. Even the good kids need correction every once in a while.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 5:01pm

We've all at least THOUGHT "I hate you" to someone we really DON'T hate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 6:32pm

I think I probably would have ignored the FB post and pretended that you had no idea what it meant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 7:30pm

My kids never seemed to ask for expensive stuff, or if they did, it simply took a look and a shake of my head for them to shrug and realize that wasn't happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 7:46pm
"One day this summer my DD was sitting at the beach and she looked at me and said that she really was a brat for a few years and how did I ever put up with her?"

LOL My daughter gifted us with our first grandbaby last summer. When she found out that she was pregnant her first thought after "OMG, how are we going to go to school and take care of a baby too?" was "I hope I don't have a girl coz nobody is going to treat me like I treaated my mom!" (She and her DH were 20 y/o college students when their son was born.) Its good to know she realizes she was a brat!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 9:29pm

Dear Dark-eyed-honey,

Welcome to our corner in the village.

Much of this is teen-ites and only time will cure it.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 9:34pm
I agree a lot with what ashmama said. Just calmly explaining to her that you are keeping your promises, but this is still YOUR money and you have the ultimate say on where it goes. Give her a price range for the laptop, and the prom dress, and if she wants more above and beyond that, she is free to kick in her own money for it. Even if she is a very good girl, great grades, etc (and I have one myself, so I am BtDT), they still need to learn the value of money and compromises before going off to college.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 9:52pm
fullmom, you come thru for me EVERY time! Fab advice again, specifically the not letting them see you are upset - it does depend on the child of course, with my DD14 definately this is the way I am learning - and I was ultra sensitive too, THAT was before I was raising teens by myself. I have really had to learn not to take much personally which has been very hard for me. Having said that its a whole different ball game with my difficult/adhd/anti school/arguementive DS17 who is just wired differently it seems. Now with him, I was hurt recently as I was sure he had said f.... you to me he thought out of earshot - after I had been joking around with a totally innocent comment and he took offense. Since he has been better lately and DH was distracted he didnt hear the escalation which I purposly have put a stop to as much as possible for my own sanity aswell as everyones, soooo DH (not his Dad but first strong male role model in his life and great with him) did not hear so unable to back me up. Anyway with this situation, I was naturally a bit upset and swore I would not do what he wanted the next day - you should have heard me out of his earshot (f..... him, then he can do without xxxxx etc), BUT I also did not make it obvious I was upset - BUT he got the hint too. However apology and accountability were not going to come without my DH interferance the next day when DS wanted to go to a party needed money. Anyway so different for him, but definately I am constantly working on my reactions and not taking their crap personally - just comes with practice I found. Have definately had to "toughen up" - even though this last situation may not sound like it - I was not letting him have what he wanted without some kind of resolution - aka apology from him and admittance never came - but since it was done quiet I was not fully 100% sure I had heard right. Anway fullmom I LOVE your posts and really need to copy and past this one for a future situation like this that I am sure is coming with DD14.
To the OP I agree with music, what you said she said on FB really to me didnt appear to me the awful "I hate you" - they are going to b.....h about us to their friends and unfortunately todays teens have FB and other such places to do that. Dont like it - BUT I think when my DD14 did something similar, I did let her know it was offensive to be talking about me like that on a public page - especially knowing I would see it. It hasnt happened since - the warning was enough for her but she is more of a people pleaser than DS17 too as is illustrated by my recent example with him here. He would need more than that one warning, so how I react to him will be different. But my DD14 sounds a lot like yours a good girl mostly who I dont have to say No to very often, but now and again we just cannot come thru with what she wants at the time - right now its the internet phone!!lol

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 10:57pm
Or, you can do what THIS dad did, when his dd posted a rant on FB about having to do chores! http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2012/02/father-shoots-daughters-laptop.html

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