how to deal w/ 17 yo
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how to deal w/ 17 yo
| Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:09pm |
My DSD is 17 and it seems to me that her father has a very ineffective way of dealing w/ her.
| Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:09pm |
My DSD is 17 and it seems to me that her father has a very ineffective way of dealing w/ her.
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You know, it's a strange thing, this cursing business. When my parents were angry with me at 17/18 years of age (probably for doing something stupid or behaving badly) it was mostly mom doing the yelling and she'd use words like "twit", "jerk", or maybe she'd ask me if I was some kind of A$$H__e - lol. She'd never get real foul about her language and I never felt like I was degraded by her words. Using the F word or calling your dd a Biatch or other such words really does degrade them emotionally and intellectually. Plus, it eats away at any lingering respect they may have for the parent doing the name calling. It is no wonder to me that your son has lost respect for your H. I imagine his own dd has little respect left for anything he says to her at all anymore. And obviously, you're respect is waning as well.
Your H needs help articulating his thoughts and emotions to everyone in the family. He sounds kind of stubborn - will he see a counselor alone or with you?
And being 17 is obviously the crazy age now because my 17dd is out of her head. My older dd has done marvelous, she's stayed on track, she's following her dreams, she has respect for us and herself, she's really made me proud. I don't know what's up with my younger dd. We finally gave in this week and allowed her to go live with her dad. Basically, we called her bluff. I am heartbroken, but I'm also exhausted. This child has put me through the ringer these past few years and it's always one step forward, two steps back. She seems to be hell bent on being difficult and just wants to be FREE, but she doesn't seem to want a job,
Maybe because I grew up in an Italian immigrant household and have lived around extended family and Italian ex-patriats all my life but I have to say I am sort of used to the ranting and raving and going on and on when angry routine.
Aw, thanks...I appreciate it a lot. I was a mess prior and while sending dd off, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. All I have to do when I feel myself getting all soft inside is log onto her Facebook and see the rubbish she's been yakking about with all her loser friends and then I feel better about letting her go 150 miles away!!
I remember when I was 17 - I was no picnic. And my mom happens to be staying with us right now, so I was able to bounce some things off of her and she willingly spoke with me about why she chose to discipline me in the ways she did back then. It's been very illuminating. I know that my dd will okay in the long run. I know that a little separation can be a good thing for us right now. I'm heartbroken that it had to go this way, but, you know, no one ever said parenthood was painless. I'd rather have her away from me if it means getting her away from her friends. And the *hope* is that she will use this time to make some healthier choices for herself and *perhaps* if and when she comes home, she will be ready to grow up already!
<<I'm heartbroken that it had to go this way, but, you know, no one ever said parenthood was painless.>>
I had to laugh a little at that because
The ironic part is that DH has been going to counselling since i have known him.
Well, I'm from an Italian family too (grandparents were born in Italy) and except for my father, that's not how they act.
First, {{{hugs}}}. If at all possible, I really think you should separate from H and take BOTH kids with you, if your dsd will go with you. She may if she really wants to get away from her father's abusiveness. But you would have to lay down the law with her and let her know that certain behaviors will not be tolerated. If she balks, well, take the invitation off the table and let her stay with him and he can deal with it. That's only if you're open to that idea. I think that girl really needs a mom to balance things out, although it could possibly be a little late in the game. Perhaps if she knows you're in the wings rooting for her, you and she will enjoy a closer relationship later. Stranger things have happened, right?
In the meantime, however, it's not healthy for your son to witness your H's verbal and mental abuse upon you. In the long run, a separation and possibly a divorce would actually be better for him. He will see that life has boundaries and that men and women must treat each other with respect and that just because you're married, it does not give your H license to mistreat you when he loses his temper. Likewise, after a few weeks and the initial shock wears off, you and ds will enjoy peaceful dinners and care free days without all the yelling and screaming, cursing and tension in the air.
As for H, he will have to either finally learn to utilize whatever lessons he's blabbing about in counseling or live alone. Just want to say that he sounds more frustrated when it comes to his dd. It's likely that he doesn't want to lose his temper and patience with her and it sounds like she pushes him a lot. She knows how to send him over the edge and play upon his emotions and guilt and use it to her advantage. Some teens need to learn the hard way and she sounds like one of them - just like my 17dd. We did all we can and now we have to take a wait and see position. I hope she steps up to the plate and takes responsibility for herself. But, she may very well move back to her hometown and live with her bummy friends so she is free to live like them. It's sad, but your dsd may do the same.
I hope you're able to find a way to be safe and free from H's abusive behaviors. You deserve peace in your life. It's sad when you're faced with this type of decision, but what else can you do? What is your alternative? To stay and live like you have been? Sending many gentle hugs~
I feel like I am actually heading in this direction.
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