How do I fit in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
How do I fit in?
16
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 3:12am
I have 3 girls of my own who are wonderful and mishcevious and I have also already raised 2 teenage girls. I am now dating a man who has 1 teen age son. I feel like I have inherited an alien. He is spoiled and whines and I have no idea what to do with him. My children are by no means perfect, but they have chores and they do pick up their own clothes and dishes. They also know that in order for the house to maintain order, we all have to work together. This has never been taught to my boyfriends son. He is still in the mind that the world revolves around him. To the point that he will walk up and just tell everyone else what they are going to do if they are not currently doing what he wants. If we go out and it is not what he wants, he is suddenly ill. He whines and insists that all noise stops when he goes to bed. And the biggest problem for me is that he does not knock before he enters our bedroom. I insist that my six year old at least try to remember to do that and yet when she sees this 13 year old just walk in, what does that show her? All of this is done with his father's apparent blessing as far as I can see so far, since it does not seem to bother him at all. I care greatly for my boyfriend but must admit that his son coming to live with us this year versus just being with us for the summers has been an eye opener. I have tried gently making suggestions for what contributions the teen son could make, but my boyfriend is so happy to have his son with us that he doesn't care if his son does any of these things and he feels he will learn responsibility as he goes through high school. I have to admit, much to my own chagrin, that I have moved beyond gentle suggestions, to getting very irrate and refusing to do anything for his son or really for him. I don't see how our relationship can survive this and I know that children should always come first but I am willing to try to salvage this if anyone has any suggestions for me. Maybe I am out of line and don't understand what it is like to have an only child or a boy? Any and all advice is more than welcome. Thank you.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 1:51pm

No flamethrowers, just my two cents on your comments.

I think that insuating that kids from homes where the parents have divorced, had visitation and/or are living with another man/woman or are remarried with a step parent are screwed up is very braod view. Your statements do not take into account the many parents who ARE sensitive to thier children's needs, date very inconspicuously by having those dates when the kids aren't home or after they've gone to bed, put thier children's needs above thier lovelife and seek family counseling when necessary, i.e., when they notice that thier child is having difficulty adapting to the many changes in thier lives. Thier inability to adapt usually manifests itself by way of aggression, depression, poor grades, loss of friends or hanging with the wrong crowd, etc. If a parent, whether divorced or NOT is paying attention she/he will be clued into when thier child is going through a difficult time and should snap to attention.

Parents who are willing to sacrifice thier own happiness for the happiness of thier children sounds great in theory, but it's not always that obvious an answer or plain to see. Remaining in a marriage, "for the sake of the kids" could end up being more damaging than divorcing or living in two separate homes with weekly/holiday visitation. Parents who are able to weigh the pros and cons of remaining in an unhappy or unsafe marriage must of course take thier children's lives and happiness into consideration. But I can honestly say that I would rather have my children grow up in a single home filled with love than a married home filled with anger, resentment and coldness between the two people who have the most impact on my child's life. It just makes sense in a very obvious way IMO.

Incidentally, I know a lot of troubled teens who come from intact nuclear families whose parents should probably have divorced a long time ago. In fact, I can think of 3 kids who have told me they WISHED thier parents would just divorce and get it over with. The fact is, HUMANS are adaptable. We all have a boiling point, a point where we simply cannot take any more trauma - not just teens/kids. I think it's important for the parents in charge to BE in charge and notice that point, register what's going on in thier home and do something about it.

The OP didn't specify how long she and the BF were living together; I got the impression that it's been a while. She was looking for advice on how to handle the here and now, not what she shoulda, woulda, coulda done. If they are committed to making this relationship work and intend on being in this relationship for the long haul then I think counseling is in order - not judgement and incriminations.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 2:03pm

"his dad is shacking up with another woman and her kids..."

Pam, all due respect but I really think that this kind of statement is unfair to the OP.

Maybe he IS just shacking up with this woman and her kids - maybe your assumptions are correct, but you don't really know. I think it's wrong to assume that every couple living together is merely a 'shacking up' situation. We have no way of knowing if they've been together for a year or a month, living together for a few weeks or a couple of months, nothing. We only know what the OP asked and making judgements on her character or her situation wasn't what she asked. She didn't ask for a lesson on the morals that we have laid out for ourselves and our families, she asked about her situation...where to go from here.

For the record, I agree that her BF's son probably feels lost and possibly unwanted, but the OP asked what she could do or should do and where she fits in. Clearly, some counseling is in order in this situation as there is an obvious lack of communication on everyone's part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 5:37pm
You are right, h&r.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 12:10am

<<<>>>

There are millions of troubled teens who come from intact families. I was one and I prayed for my parents to divorce.

Too bad this thread has turned into such a condemnation and judgemental one. But I'm noticing more and more of that lately.

zz

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 12:53am

Since you are attempting to form a blended family I think that you and your bf could benefit greatly from counselling with someone that is experienced in working with step-family situations. The issues of how to raise and discipline the bio children of a married couple can strain a good marriage; trying to sort out how to raise step kids when the partners have different styles can be a deal-breaker.

You need to be able to voice your problems and concerns and be heard by your bf or you will become resentful and it will damage your relationship. A counselor can mediate and help each of you be heard, and help you to each take appropriate action. He or she may also have some insight to the boy's behavior and how you both can handle it. It may be beneficial for the boy to have some counseling privately and in family therapy.

Some of the previous posts made good points about why your bf's son may be acting as he does and that might help you to have more compassion for him while you are all working through these problems. Best of luck getting through this.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 8:47am
Oh Pam, with oil prices so high you might be wishing for that lump of coal! Have a great day.

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