How do I help dd17? Prayers please.
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| Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:09pm |
As some of you know, my 17dd has dealt with depression off and on this year. Up until she graduated from HS in June, she was plagued by the consequences of making poor friends, poor choices, and beat herself up over those things - moreso than anyone else ever could. She wound up in the hospital and has been slowly getting better.
She lost her job at that time and has a promising one lined up - she will find out this week if it's hers! In the meantime, she's been hanging around the house, kind of mopey, waiting for her ONE close friend to get home from camp/work.
I've been filling the time with chores, errands and planned activities that she and I can participate in together. Because of her counseling session, she can't really go stay with her dad for a whole week or two, as planned back in May before everything. But she's had a couple of long weekends here and there.
DD's graduating class consisted of only 23 students as she attended a charter school out of town. Most of her friends live a bit of a distance from our home, but most of them drive. Several times dd has been invited to a party only then to get a call that it's been cancelled. Those parties were pretty much the only way she'd really get to see any of her friends from school and catch up. She just learned the other day that none of those parties were cancelled, but that one girl who hates dd and refused to invite her or attend a party if dd would be present. The other kids are like sheep and instead of backing up dd or sticking up for her, they bowed down to this little queen bee and uninvited dd! I know you all know how devasted dd must feel, how lonely and left out she is feeling. Oddly, most of these kids leave her fun messages on her facebook and call her but they never EVER get together or they will make plans with dd and then cancel or just never call her back. It is so hurtful. These kids are 17-19 years of age - when does it freakin end? All because this one girl doesn't like dd...the reason she claims is that dd's exbf told her that dd was abusive to him when they were together. Not true - HE was the abusive one. He even sexually assaulted dd but he's telling everyone that dd was the abusive one.
DD begins her classes at a local comminity college September 4th and I can't wait; she is excited as well. Some of those kids will be there, but I don't think the mean girl will be. Anyway, that's a month away and I am back at work now so dd is home, sleeping away her days. I leave her chores and she will come to my office to hang with me once in a while or have lunch together, but I am worried that this will send her back into a depression. She sees her counselor weekly, which is great, but she doesn't go in until Friday and here is it Tuesday and I can see that look in dd's eyes and I am worried.
I have encouraged her to go on line and check out the syllabi for her classes and maybe she can go to the Art shop and pick some things up she will need, but she's just lying in bed and refuses.
She told her ONE friend (this girl is always at my house) that she feels that there is no purpose for her to live anymore. She told her she's not going to hurt herself but that she just feels 'what's the point' and that no one likes her or wants to hang out with her and she doesn't know what she wants to do so who would want to...that it will never get better. Her counselor is good and after dd sees her she seems to feel better, but it only lasts a day or so. She's been getting these horrible headaches caused my stress and anxiety and she's not drinking enough water, so I'm sure she's beginning to be be dehydrated as well. I just can't seem to be able to lead her in any way and it's frustrating.
Basically, this is just a vent really, and a call for support. Just keep her in your thoughts and prayers, please. Thanks.

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Bless your DD's heart.... I can't imagine how difficult this situation is for both you and her. And what a mean little witch that other girl is. And apparently the other friends aren't really friends if they'd exclude your daughter like that.
Even though I was fairly popular in high school, I had some of the worst rumors ever spread about me. Some people believed them, some didn't. I'll never forget the time I was told that one boy couldn't date me because his father heard I was on heroin! Or that my boyfriend committed suicide because I was pregnant. (I still believe he was murdered, as do several cops now, but in every attempt I've made to reopen the case, I get told the same thing.... there's nothing we can do because the basement of files flooded and we lost everything from all those years...)
Leaving for college changed my life sooo much, and your DD will be fine once she starts meeting new kids, kids with real goals, etc.
Anyway, kinda rambling, but I empathize with your DD and wanted you to know.
zz
Many, many warm, gentle hugs for your DD h&r.
Thanks ladies, The thing about this that is so troubling is that each and every one of these kids come from a background of not quite 'fitting in'. They are all a little 'left of center', the square peg being squeezed into round hole, so to speak. For whatever those reasons are, they all wound up in this charter school where they are free to be who they are, everyone fits in, gets along, etc. I just am beginning to wonder if it was the excellent staff who held it all together so all the kids felt like they were 'home' but really, underneath it all, they were these ugly little brats after all. I just don't know. I feel sad for dd and the sounds of her sad voice just eats at me.
Someone on another board suggested that she contact the USO and see if there are any volunteer opportunities, which I think would be awesome. She likes to help and it makes her feel good to make a difference - she's always been a fighter for the underdog. I sent off an email so hopefully someone will contact me soon. I have no idea if there is anything locally, but it's worth checking out. Since dd will be living at home while taking classes, she could potentially get involved in a volunteer situation. Anyone have any info on the USO?
Thanks again.
Dear heartsandroses,
I am praying for your daughter and for you. My daughter had a bout with depression earlier this year when my mom died. She saw a therapist and we are lucky that she is feeling much better now. One of the things that really helped her is that she works with a group of special needs kids teaching gymnastics. Not all teens are comfortable with these kids but if your daughter is and can find an opportunity to help them, it might help her also. Most of the kids my daughter has worked with have Downs and they are so loving and so excited to see her every week. My dd says that even if she feels lousy, she always comes home feeling better because they brighten her day as much as she brighten theirs.
Again, you and your daughter are in my thoughts.
Carol
Here is the link to the USO - if you're talking about the organization that does service projects for members of the armed forces:
http://www.uso.org/
It's actually the only USO I'm familiar with.
many gentle hugs, h&r, to both you and your dd. I have no words of wisdom, but know that you and your dd will be in my prayers.
{{{{hugs}}}}
I understand what she is going through, been there myself. I remember a time when I was walking through a parking lot and thought that it wouldn't be a horrible thing if a car came around the corner and hit me. I scared myself with that one and talked to my counselor about it the next time we met. He pointed out that there is a big difference between thinking that it wouldn't be bad if I wasn't around and thinking that I should do something to make that happen.
Right now to her it may not seem that it will get better, but it will. I'm sorry that you both are dealing with this, you know you have our support and thoughts and prayers.
Keep us informed,
Kristie
Thanks everyone. I passed along the links that I found to the USO (thanks also rose) and dd had minimal interest because she didn't understand what they did. I told her to please call them and get more information, as the websites really don't offer much in that regard.
Yesterday she went out and bought herself a new pair of pants, a nice top, and shoes, for her interview tomorrow, which shows me that she is excited about getting a job. Good thing too since her bank account is slowly dwindling away! lol.
She hung out with her old BF last night, "just to talk" she said . But she came home happy and said they had a nice chat and cleared up some old baggage that they never had the chance to talk about. While they were out, they ran into another old bf who sneared at dd, but she ignored him (a first). She even came home 45 minutes early! And she was happy, so I will let it be for now.
There are other opportunities locally for her volunteer, but the USO sounded like it was big and important and I know that gfg would like it. I hope she calls today. Another place she could probably do some good is volunteering at a local women's shelter. We've donated to them for years annually and collected good for them over the years as well. Maybe some hands on would feel more important to dd.
Thanks again.
I agree to suggest work with those less fortunate
DS3's difficulties and conflicting diagnosis really had me down when I was a SAHM. Getting back to work helped but 'falling' into working with kids with special needs was huge! My son's issues, compared to what I saw? Perspective came to me with a bang
Of course, I wasnt deep in depression but we're hoping that with all the care you have provided, she isnt anymore either
If there is a big autism group near you, you might want to contact them and ask about volunteers. There are types of therapy that involve constant repetition of simple tasks mega hours a week. Volunteers are often needed as the cost of professionals putting in this kind of time is astronomical.
I would be sure it was a bit off the beaten path. There is likely a version of the mean girl a year younger out there putting in her time for her college applications and she doesnt need to run into her
I also find 'dog people' less likely to have that personality-go to the working part of the shelter and you are unlikely to see anyone dressed to impress ;)
I am hoping school helps. It will be different, of course, but she has to look for different too. If she has a deep seated need to fit in with a certain type, she is likely
to still find it-she may need to consciously change her patterns
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