How do you cope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
How do you cope?
13
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:26pm

This isn't specifically about parenting a teen but it is about being a parent old enough to have teens and what it generally means in our overall lives.

Being a mom these days, for me, is extremely difficult. I am definitely one of those sandwich generation people. I have parents in their mid to late 60s who are experiencing failing health issues. My kids are school age and still need alot of attention. I work full time and have a demanding career which requires me to focus and concentrate despite all the distractions of my personal life. I have a difficult and challenging marital situation that is stressful to me personally. And although the best I can do is just take it all one thing at a time, one day at a time, some days it is all just sooooo overwhelming.

It seems like when you finally think you've hit a good spot and things are calming down, everything just comes racing at you. Between trying to keep up with the kids requirements, helping my parents cope with their issues, dealing with all the workload at the office, and dealing with financial and emotional fallout from a failing marriage I just want to scream. Or maybe run away somewhere and just let them all deal with it themselves.

Its definitely affected my health. I am stressed out, my eating habits suffer and I have little to no time left to work out between all the demands on my day.

I know that I am not alone in this in the world. And I know that esp those of us with teen/school age kids are exactly at that point in our lives when we are squeezed to death. Nobody ever prepared me for this crazy point in my life. How do you all deal? Maybe I can get some insight into how to handle all this....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:20pm

Boy, how I sympathize! I totally understand where you are coming from. I work two jobs actually. One full time and the other part-time one from home on a contract basis. I dont really need the second one but it pays for the incidentals that I normally wouldnt have the money for and I do enjoy it. My marriage is the pits. We grew apart years and years ago (been married for 20 years). It's not a violent or abusive marriage just BLAH. My husband has different interests than I do and doesnt seem to really care to do anything with me or the kids - just has his own agenda. Believe it or not we havent had sex in over 3 years. (As I type that I realize how horrible that is!). A lot of it is due to a quintuple heart bypass that he had 3 years ago - he's on a lot of meds and since his surgery he has no desire. I'm so busy and tired half the time that I dont really care to be honest. We are more like roommates than anything else. I've expressed my feelings about our marriage to him but he doesnt seem to want to do anything about it - happy with the way things are. I know, weird. They say that you should marry a good communicator because when your kids leave you have to be able to talk. Well, my husband doesnt like to talk and I've noticed this more as I get more freedom from my kids so I know that I need to leave eventually for my own happiness and maybe his as well.

I have made plans to leave him but not until my 13 year old is finished high school. She is a very sensitive girl and I dont want to upset the apple cart until she is done and on her way to college. I think it would do more harm than good at this point and like I said, there's no abuse or violence at all.

My kids are probably older than yours (18 and 13) but are still a challenge. DS is giving me a run for the money right now actually (most know my posts with him). Like you, I have an ailing father - he is 84 and we are trying to get him into a care facility (not an easy task). My brother lives overseas and my sister doesnt speak with my dad at all - they had a falling out - so that leaves me to try and deal with this problem right now - doesnt help that he lives an hour away. My mom passed away from cancer 5 years ago.

I dont know if I can offer any words of advice but I do empathize with you and know where you're coming from. I do know that I need to make more time for myself even just to workout which I used to do but never seem to get there anymore. I think we all live such stressful lives at this point. I sometimes wonder if we need to sit back and think of whats really important ie. do we really need the cable TV, the cellphone, the expensive vehicle and STUFF. I dont know but I am just as stressed out as you and never seem to get a decent night's sleep. SIGH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:00pm
I haven't been coping too well myself lately. In fact, I just started smoking again after I had quit for 14 years. I always say to myself things could be worse and everyone has problems but your right - it seems this age we do get it from all ends. I only have one DD and she is 16 but it just seems the older she gets the larger her problems get too although things have leveled off where she is concerned and I'll keep my fingers crossed there. Earlier this year my DH's youngest brother was killed in a car accident and the whole family has been spiraling in a tail spin since. He has 2 small boys ages 3 and 4 and their mother has just refused any visitation on DH's side of the family. We have an appointment with an atty to try and petition the court for visitation for my mil so she can see her grandchildren. My mil is in her early 70s and has been so depressed since the accident and now she can't see her grandchildren so she won't even get dressed anymore. My DH has been so angry since his brother died that he lashes out at DD and myself and we are trying so hard to be understanding but we are getting tired of being his targets and he refuses to go to counseling. I have been seeing a counselor for the past couple of months and DD has gone a few times as well. DH and I are also handling his brother's estate which is a complete mess. We are also the ones who are cleaning out and remodeling his house in preparation to sell it. And my brother just got of jail after 2 1/2 years for drug related charges and my parents won't have anything to do with him as usual. They basically kicked him out at 18 years and haven't given him any emotional support whatsoever which infuriates me so this once again falls on my shoulders. I just lost a brother-in-law and I can not lose my brother as well by turning him away and making him live on the street. And on top of that we are coping with the usual stress of work and bills and our marriage which if things continue this way we are headed for some serious trouble. However, through all this I still have one release and that is laughter. I still can find humor in situations and thank God for that because if I couldn't I'd probably be dead. To me laughter is the key to life and it is what keeps me sane.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:18pm

Remember the Rolling Stone's old song, "Mother's Little Helper"? Well, these days I sure am tempted...I can totally sympathize with you.

I am stressed with working full time and then going home to a full house (not only my teens, but neighbors also, plus a kid who simply can't always go home winds up at our place as well), taking care of a house, the dogs, making appts, soothing ruffled feathers, dealing with my 16dd disorders - the ups and downs - her summer school crap, getting ready for dd18 to go off to college this fall, making sure I still get some time alone with her once in a while before she's out on her own, coaching her and H, dd16 and all the friends, running around to doctors appts, vet appts, making calls, paying bills, worrying where and how I will make ends meet, food shopping, just go go going....I'm almost gone. Somedays I wonder, "What about me?" Seems that by the time I have 'me' time, it's time to fall into bed at night. Sound familiar?

I even went to see my DR today because I feel so frazzled. Since before school ended, I've been on this treadmill, more like a roller coaster out of control, that I feel like I'm now on auto pilot. My 83 y/o mom came to stay with us in mid-june, and she requires constant help, cleaning up after and expects 3 square a day; dd18 graduated June 17th with a big party (out of town relatives everywhere), dd16 went into a serious reaction (that lasted almost 2 weeks) from a new med and wound up in the hospital, then I caught some strange digestive bug that lasted a week, now we're gearing up for a visit from my IL's - on our 10th wedding anniversary - and then FINALLY I get to run off for 5 days, but I have to bring my dd16 with me because she and H knock horns over everything and I want to be able to relax while I'm away and not worry about them. H is tearing off our roof the day we leave to add a level to our home - something I don't want and never had, but he wants to do it so it's getting started. Along with all this, I have slowly come to terms with the fact that my H is an alcoholic and I should really seek out some kind of support group, Al-Anon I guess, like I have more time to spare! Which means basically that if my IL's ruin our 10 year anniversary, so be it - doesn't feel like we have much to celebrate anyway. So, my DR is really worried about my health. I'm not eating right, I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 months and it is showing. My body is not shedding the stress, it's just building up and DR said that's not good. And then there is work - OMG, my work has seemed to take over my every waking thought throughout the day. I used to be able to chill a couple of times during the day and not allow it to overwhelm me, but lately, it seems there is no time. I feel like I'm being pulled in 8 different directions whether I'm home or at work, everywhere.

So, how do we cope? I guess as best as we can, some better than others, we *hopefully* find a way to help us get through each day, week, month, etc. Some days it's minute by minute. Right now I am taking an antidepressant to help me get out of bed because for the last few weeks I haven't wanted to - it's too overwhelming. And when I can't sleep, my DR suggested taking a 1/2 xanax, which if I'm desperate I will, but I don't like to.

I feel best when I'm sleeping enough and getting in some exercise. My joy is relaxing on my patio or in my pool and I haven't been able to do that in some time. I hope you find what works for you and please share whatever it is! Hugs - hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:30pm

You know, as a rule, I try very hard to be grateful for whatever good things I have in life. I work very hard to find the silver lining -- not trying to be too Pollyanna but you know what I mean. Whenever something stressful came my way I would thank God for my children's health, for example. When a lousy business decision many years ago threw us into bankruptcy, I was pregnant with my first child and I thought thank God that I had something good to look forward to....you know what I mean. I've tried so hard to just latch on to that one single good thing that could give me some source of happiness or strength or joy.

And I am flabbergasted to read of so many issues so similar to my own. I also live in a sham of a marriage with a husband who was unfaithful to me at least once that I know of and basically said he didn't want to be married but also didn't want to split up for the sake of our kids. And I agreed to that basically living in a loveless, sexless marriage for the past 4 years. I thought I could handle it but when it comes to times when things are really hard not having that companion in life from whom you could get some comfort and assistance is extremely difficult.

And my mum went through major surgery to correct a heart defect a year ago and her issues and recovery consumed so much of my time. Now a year later some other issues are resurfacing and I find myself on the phone with her listening to her fears and concerns and feeling so totally helpless.

At work its the usual political crap of a corporate environment -- lots of people who are just making my job harder than it needs to be. And watching all the men I have supported over the years get raises and promotions as I toil away.

My kids are actually pretty good behaviour wise they just have alot of stuff on their plates. And their schedules and their wishes and wants consume alot of my time too. I go home some nights during the summer and they've been doing nothing all day, no chores done, sometimes not even dressed and they are clamouring to go out and get taken places....while all I want to do is sleep!!!

God help me but I need a massive vacation like totally away from everyone and everything. But when you spend years taking care of people that becomes impossible to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:18pm

Well, after reading everyone's postings, I think we can agree that everyone's life just sucks! I am saying that w/ a grain of salt, because what can we do about it except take one day at a time, right?

Unlike some of you ladies, I am already divorced (not my choice, but it was 10 yrs. ago, so basically I am over that). I have been remarried for 3 yrs. and if I had known how hard it was going to be, I probably wouldn't have done it. My 17 DD really hates my DH & DSD (16 y.o.) I thought after a while, she would get used to them and at least be able to tolerate them, if not be best friends, but it hasn't happened. I am hoping she will go away to college, not only for less conflict, but I know she will have fun too. Of course, I have no money to pay for college, so hopefully she will get scholarships and/or loans.

My DH was diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder II after we were married. Of course, he had many episodes of difficult behavior while we dating, so it's not like it was a total surprise, but at first they told him it was just depression. We go through phases, like everything will be ok for months, at least under control, then we will have a major fight, usually about something stupid and I will be thinking about divorcing him. His brother, who was only 50, just died of several major illnesses and now he is not having a good relationship w/ his other bro, who moved away in Dec. and they haven't talked since. (There is no reason, no argument, and I think it's a misunderstanding that is just going to get bigger the longer they don't talk.)

My mom is 80. Her health is fair, but she is doing ok for her age, so I don't have any immediate problems there.

I am a lawyer doing litigation and divorce, which can be really stressful. It's not like a job I don't have to think about when I'm not at work. So between the job, running around, etc. I know how everybody feels. It's always something going on, too. A couple of weeks ago, someone rear-ended my DH's car. He's taking care of that, but it's another problem. We never have enough money to make ends meet.

I guess the only thing I can think of is to appreciate those rare good times when you have them. On Sat. I met my best friend from high school days. We had a nice lunch and went shopping. I think we spent most of the time complaining but it was good to see her & just vent. We don't see each other enough, since we live an hour apart and she's busy too. If I have an unexpected free day, like when my kids are at their dad's, I try to get out and do something for myself, like have my nails done. The housework will always be there. I am generally an optimist, but things can get to be too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:52pm

I WISH I had some great tips for you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 6:12pm

Well ... it seems like you're in good company here. Count me in on. My DH is currently pressuring me to move the family to another state. I have to admit I am feeling very resentful of DH right now about this. Overall, he is a very unhappy person and moving somewhere else is only a temporary fix. It would be only a matter of time (I guess about 4 years) before he is unhappy again. After 17 years of marriage, I think I can predict what will happen next with him with pretty good accuracy. 14yo DD is going into sophomore year, 12yo DS going into 7th grade. A move would not be a nice or easy thing for them.

I think at this point I am just numb; closed off and functioning on auto-pilot. I don't feel much of anything for anybody or anything except DD and DS -- could care less about most everything else in life. Some days I feel really down, but mostly, just going through the motions with as little effort as possible.

Not much advice to offer you, just know you are not alone.

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:40am

diamond, I too give thanks for the little things...and as pathetic as it sounds some days it means giving thanks only for my little dogs - they bring me so much joy and comfort, I love the weight and feel of thier little bodies at the foot of my bed at night and I love swimming with them in the evenings and I love the way the love me back - unconditionally. I give thanks for my patio and my yard, it is like a sanctuary for me when no one is bugging me or pulling me 8 different directions. And of course, I give thanks for my girls.

I also give thanks that my mom is still with us, despite her health and age. She had me when she was 40 and I always thought that I'd lose her when I was still too young to appreciate her - but in fact, we have a really close relationship after years of combatting one another (when I was a teen and in my early 20's). I'm so grateful that she still has her mind and wits about her, that I can confide in her and that I get my 2 weeks each year with her at my house.

And my kids are really great kids - my 16dd didn't ask to be born with her disorders, so I don't resent them, but they certainly do get in the way of normalcy around here at times. And I couldn't be prouder of my dd18 = she's a graduate and on her way to catching her dreams.

As for my H, he is a GOOD man, a hard worker and he always comes home. He does need to face his addiction to alcohol, but that's not up to me. All I can do is love him for his good qualities and stay the course for now. None of us can predict the future, but you're right, it is astounding to see so many people in the same boat.

I think you provided a really excellent point - giving thanks for something daily DOES help me cope. I forgot about that. And even if it's something so seemingly insignificant as your garden or your pups or that you were able to pay the electric bill - affording yourself the opportunity to be thankful for SOMEthing does help us cope. Thanks for that reminder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:55am
feeling philosophical...there is no such thing as a stress free life, so I try to choose my own stress. Being a working mom is stressful, not matter what. I had a job I absolutely hated - so I quit and got a different one. The job is just as stressful, but I feel that I had some control over it. My other REALLY big source of stress lately is my foster son..but I chose to do this and be a parent to him, so it is "good" stress in a way. My parents are gone, but while my mom was ill I had to choose how I wanted to handle that stress - and I ended up driving hours and hours a week while parenting and working full time to take care of her, because I realized that I had the option to pay someone else to take care of her, but that would make me feel far MORE stressed (worry and guilt). Maybe it doesn't really change anything, but if I can keep reminding myself that I'm in control and can actually make choices, it makes the stress feel less overwhelming somehow. To respond to the original poster - I think you can reframe your situation that way a bit. For instance, you have my full sympathy for the stress from your failing marriage - but you can remind yourself that it is much MORE stressful to stay married to someone who doesn't fulfill your needs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 10:49pm

Oh, how I can empathize with you!

Before my mom passed away last September I was caring for her and trying to deal with her illness (cancer), working an emotionally draining full-time job (the worse working environment I have ever been in) and trying to handle my own family...husband and 14 yr old son. There were days when the stress was so bad that I would get this tingling in the back of my neck and would break down crying at any time.

Now that I don't have to care for my mom the stess in my life doesn't seem any less and one of the reasons is I chose to change my career.....HAVE TO GET AWAY from that toxic job.....so I'm going to school 4 nights/wk (7-10:30pm). My son starts HS next month and decided he wants to play football so since June I've been getting up at 4:45 am to take him to his football practice before work and then trying to coordinate who will pick him up since I can't. In between football practice he had baseball games as well. Then there's the doctor appts, dentist and ortho appts and my own appts to tend to....and all the other 10,000 things to do to run a household.

My marriage isn't what I had hoped for...married 5 yrs, known each other for 10. It's not emotionally fulfilling and we've grown apart. A lot of women might say I'm crazy because he's not the "hang out" type and is always home, doesn't drink or do drugs, he's ambitious and never misses a day of work and helps around the house. Yes, this is nice but now that I'm older I need and want more.....I've talked about it with him but nothing changes so I've been considering separating....not sure when THAT will happen but I can't live the rest of my life feeling ignored, unhappy and unfulfilled.

Sigh!

With all this going on and dealing with a teenage son...I swear they turn into aliens during this phase...my head is spinning!!! Some days I feel numb and like I want to run away. Sometimes I'll just take a drive on the weekend to do some window shopping just to get away from the house and have some alone time.

My advice to share is....you HAVE TO take time for yourself even if it's 15 min. At work, I will take my lunch hour and just sit in my car. Sometimes I use that time for studying because there's not much time in my days for that, but sometimes I'll just listen to music or read a magazine or just lie back and rest. It is crucial to my mental well-being and for everyone who is under a huge amount of stress. At night, take a bubble bath, pour yourself a glass of wine, before you go to sleep (if you're not too exhausted) read awhile or write a letter to friend or family member out of state. Keeping a journal is therapeutic, too, for some people.

Wishing you strength and patience!
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