How do you let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
How do you let go
4
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:23pm

I have no idea how to let go. Most of you have read some of the things we have went through with my 17 year olds almost 20 year old b/f. There are many other things that have happened that I have not mentioned because I don't want to bore you all.

Everyone sees my how my daughter is being treated but her. She makes excuses for this boy all the time defending his actions. She as of right now is planning on marrying this guy. I am trying not to say much I really am. But how do you just step back and watch your daughter make what alot of people says is a very huge mistake.

The thing is he treats her good when it suits himself, saying sweet things to her. But boy when it goes against what he wants then he turns it around. The thing is one time this boy told me (his g/f mother, this is to prove how dumb this kid is) that my daughter was mad at him for some reason. I asked him what he was going to do about. He told me nothing she will come around she always does cuz I can talk her into anything cuz shes gullible. In a way my daughter is gullible but in another way she is trusting thinking people are going to treat her how she treats them.

I am so scared for my daughter but I also know the more I say the more she turns toward him. Shes a great girl who is beautiful inside and out, but for some reason lacks self esteem thinking that no one one else would ever want her and that is afraid of being alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:00pm

I wish I had an answer for you.....the kind that would make it all better. All I can do is repeat: The less you say, the better. Unfortunately, this is a rite of pasage for some girls. This may be her way of finding out what she doesn't want in a mate. I had a terrible boyfriend at that age and I have been married to a very wonderful, kind man for 27 years. I learned not to settle for an idiot & I bet she will, too.

I really do sympathize with you on the "letting go" issue. It was so much easier when they were toddlers and all we had to do was scoop them up to remove them from harrm's way!

Hang in there!
jt

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:47pm
If it's any consolation, I am going through the same thing right now and have had great support from others on this board who have experienced the same thing. I am doing the best I can at keeping my opinions to myself, because if I say anything negative about the bf, my dd defends him and holds on tighter to him. Find something else to occupy your thoughts... I mean there is only so much you can do. You can't control every action your kids take. Even if she does marry him someday, you may have to resign yourself to the fact that it's HER path to walk and maybe she has to figure it out for herself. You've made it clear how you feel, which is okay. Now back off. She KNOWS how you feel. Let her make decisions on her own now. Even if it's not what you'd like her to do. Believe me, I KNOW how hard this can be but tell yourself it is the best thing and bite your tongue. Go for a walk. Take a bath. Clean the house. It may take another 6 months; it may take a year or more, but most likely she will figure things out. If she doesn't you have done what you could. Of course, if SHE comes to you with concerns it can be an opportunity to offer advice (carefully). I've learned the hard way that that is really the only time your advice may be taken. Good luck.
Debbie
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 4:12pm

You know, I'm anxiously waiting to see the replies because I am expecting to go through this same issue - weird huh?

DD has like 10 really nice sweet guys that like her and she wants nothing to do with them she'll like the one bad seed in the bunch. She's always been like that and I'm seeing the trend. I try to bite my tongue a lot while having flashbacks to me at 18 and every guy I brought home my parents hated and of course the more they said the more I held on to the guy. Of course I ended up marrying one of them and learned quickly that my parents were right.

DD tends to levitate to the stoners - she says they are funny and make her laugh. That terrifies me and I just keep my fingers crossed that I've done something right!! Time will tell I guess...

Good luck and lots of hugs....




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: ks13mom
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 4:12pm
Hugs to you. I understand how difficult this is for you. I was in a similair situation with my daughter and it drove me crazy that she couldn't see how bad the bf was treating her. As the relationship went on he managed to strip more of her self esteem away but I knew if we prevented her from seeing him or if we said to much against him then she would only cling to him all the more. What I did do was bring up her good qualities as much as I could whenever the conversation allowed me to without getting too sappy and too obvious. And I would always tell her how pretty she looked in a certain outfit - I even brought her to the mall once and pointed out every time a guy would look at her cuz she is a very pretty girl but she just didn't think so. I also would make comments about how women in general deserved to be treated. Trying to find movies or shows with abusive relationships and then point out how awful that man treats that woman AND movies where the relationships were healthy and I broach that as well. After 8 months she finally did start to get it. When she finally broke up with him he hit her and then threatened to kill himself if she didn't come back to him. And he did end up in the hospital for cutting himself but we later learned that it was not an attempted suicide. She saw a therapist for a while to help her deal with all this but she did get better and is doing very well now. In fact, she sees that this kid was bad news and doesn't understand how she ever ever went out with him in the first place. I hope your daughter realizes too that this kid is not treating her well and decides that she deserves better. I hope this helps a little. Good luck to you and your family.