How to handle afterschool drama?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
How to handle afterschool drama?
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 9:56am

DS, 16 starts his Jr. Year this year.


Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:37am

What seemed to work for us was XBox before dinner is ok, but that's it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:47am

My DS has always liked doing his HW after school to get it over with cause he likes to watch his TV shows at night, but I can see how some kids would need a break. I would say it all depends on how much HW he usually has, but maybe you could say that he could go out, be w/ his friends & do whatever after school but he has to be home by 5:00 and then no XBox, computer (except for school work) etc. after that. Make it his choice on whether he would prefer doing HW after school or at night but make it clear that some HW time has to be built in there--he can't just goof off all night & do no HW and that the price he has to pay for you getting off his back & not nagging him & asking to see all his work, etc. is that he has to abide by his part of the agreement.

As far as working, I think it depends on the individual child--how much time does your DS actually need to spend on doing HW so that he gets it done adequately? And how much time does he spend goofing off? I definitely think he could at least manage to work on weekends. I'm sure he's not going to spend all his weekend time studying. And esp. if he doesn't do a lot of extracurricular activities, then I think working would be good. When my DD did track, they had practice every day after school for a few hours and then a meet 1-2 nights a week. It would have been very difficult for her to work at that time. But since she hurt herself and didn't do track junior year, she still worked during the school year despite being in a lot of other activities. She worked in retail so there were always weekend opportunities.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 11:49am

On working, ds started lifeguarding after soph year at age 15; since he started in the summer he had maybe 15-20hours/week at that time.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 11:55am

Well, executive dysfunction, ADD, et al, are one thing--being lazy, disrespectful, and starting fights are another matter entirely. You say <>, but that obviously isn't true, because when you <>. Since when does HE get to make the rules?? Since when is HIS decision the one that flies?? Since when does he get to say NO to your face, and not have the house fall on him?

The same thing is going on with the homework and xbox issues. You say, <>. You are avoiding making rules you KNOW are neccessary because <>, and you don't want to fight about it.

Take the Xbox AWAY. Lock it up some where. Tell him he can have it for a set number of hours, on the weekend, after he PROVES to you his homework is completed. (Proof for us, was that she showed us her assignment notebook, and her completed homework.) One of dd's friends parents locked up all the phones. Another locked up the computer keyboards. This turns Xbox usage(or cell phone, computer, or car usage) into a REWARD. Make the same rule about getting a job. "You are old enough to contribute to the family. We can no longer afford to support your wants--only your NEEDS. Get a job". Don't SAY <> Let him figure it out, by continuing to say, "If you want spending money, you need to get it yourself." We also added the corollary <

REMEMBER, you can only have a fight if you participate. He can scream till he is blue in the face, but if you ignore him and stand steadfast, he WILL lose steam.

"Children with ADHD are like moths: they are drawn to the brightest light. Unfortunately, sometimes the brightest light is a bug zapper. Our goal is to make sure that the brightest light is a productive one. If the light is bright enough, they will go there. It is fortunate--but not an accident--that children with ADHD can be easily enticed by quick rewards. After all, they are creatures of the moment. No doubt, it would be better if the children were adequately motivated by their own internal “high ideals.” But for those ADHD children who do not see how doing thirty math problems right now will lead to a better world, external rewards may be needed.
Some people’s brains are too inflexible and explosive to respond (rationally) to a discussion about rewards. Nothing good can come from a “discussion” held by out of control people. Once that fact is recognized, try to prevent incoherent “meltdowns” before they occur--by allowing a cooling off period at the first sign of their appearance. Sometimes this involves being coached or cajoled through the difficult situation. Other times, we need to be left alone to regain composure. Once cool heads prevail all around, calm discussion of the issue can productively ensue. An attitude of negotiation must prevail on all sides."

And FWIW, we NEVER allowed video or computer games in the house, or allowed our kids to go play them anywhere else. They make a pretend world where the problems of real life don't exist, and "our" type of kids just get lost in them.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 11:58am

There are a lot of moms here who do micro manage or at least try to , but I am not sure how good of an idea that is...

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 12:43pm

A lot of the advice here --and it is GOOD advice-- comes from parents who's kids are NOT disabled. ED/AD/HD, IS a disability, just as much as being blind, deaf, or one-legged is a disability. I know you are tired of micro managing. I know you think that by this age he "SHOULD" be able to managed his own time, or get off the computer, or do his homework on his own, but the truth is he CAN'T. Not any more than that one legged kid can get up the stairs without a crutch. And even WITH the crutch, he's not going to be as good, or as fast at it, as someone with two legs. ED doesn't LOOK like a disability. You can't SEE it. And it is not as sympathy inducing as seeing a one-legged child. But you have to remember that it IS there, and it IS real. Our Pdoc once told us, "These are high maintenance teens. Don't compare them to non-disabled teens. You are going to be doing this WAY longer than you thought you would have to. Get used to it."

And PLEASE read Dr Kutchner's E-book--or at least the chapter I gave you the link to. It WILL help you. I promise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 1:09pm
I will agree with sabr on this one. My oldest has so many of the symptoms of ADD. As far as his level of maturity for a boy going on 18, it fades in and out! My ds had a dental appointment (cleaning) and I had assumed (silly me!) that he would drive himself that day, however the night before he asks aren't I taking him in to the appointment? I drove him, and sat in the waiting room reading a magazine. However, yesterday we drove out, he didn't want me driving alone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 1:47pm

I agree as well about these kids being high maintenance. I'm still monitoring things like hygiene, and expect that homework will be something that I'll have to police all the way through high school. I won't stand over him while he does it, but there will be specific times that are devoted to homework, where he'll sit in a quiet, mostly distraction-free area, and do nothing but homework for that period of time.

Our school board gives time lines for homework by grade, and next year for grade 8 it's one hour. He'll get home from school at about 3:20pm and so I've decided that Mon-Fri, from 4-5pm is homework time. When he hits high school, the homework duration becomes two hours, so from 4-6pm it'll be homework time. If he sits and does nothing, there will be further consequences, and if he claims to be done before homework time is up then I'll get out a classic novel for him to read (he's not a fiction reader and it's something we work on) for the rest of homework time.

Oh, and DH and I are arranging our work schedules so that one of us is always home before and after school (he'll be semi-retired as of September), and will be doing so likely for many years to come. It sucks that it has to be this way, but it's the reality we live, and we're ensuring that DS has the best start to adulthood as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 4:44pm

Good luck with the two hours in high school

If he is in the applied stream.. maybe but academic, it is more than 2 hours. My kids were spending 2 hours in grade 6. And in high school, it was easily 4 hours a day. Sunday was catch up on the extra reading, finish that lab report and work on projects/summative day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 6:21pm

Our rules (and yes, I had ADD and LD kids) was - your time from the time school gets out until 5:30 is your time, and if you want to use it playing video games, fine with me. Dinner is at 6, and after that it's homework. Mine needed a break from the school day before they could focus on schoolwork again, not all kids do. Video games can be annoying, but really... how many parents veg in front of the tv or online for a couple of hours a night. I don't see video games as being that much different IF the time on them is limited to an hour or two a day.

As for a job... well, first you have to give him a reason to WANT one, coz I'll tell you what happens to kids who are forced to work when they don't want to...
1. It comes across loud and clear in the interview that they really don't want to work, and they don't get hired.
2. They quit after a few weeks because "their coworkers are mean to them" when all the coworkers want them to do is carry their weight on the job.
3. They get fired for poor attendance, poor performance, or poor attitude.
on occasion they learn to like the money, learn to like being productive, and end up doing well.

In my experience the first 3 options are much more likely than the 4th... and as a manager, I don't have the time or inclination to deal with a kid who really doesn't want to be there.