how to handle this one

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
how to handle this one
7
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 5:28pm
ds's best friend went on this trip to oc nj and the best friend was arrested for shop lifting. when ds came home, he told me about it and also told his gf.. he also told us not to say anything cuz the best friend did not want anyone else to know and would think that we would think less of him...well, it got back to him...my dd asked him about it cuz she heard ds tell me but did not hear the part about not saying anything...gf further told two other friends and it got back hard to him and now he is really upset and also upset w/my ds that is denying he said anything to me. he wants me to tell him if asked that i did not know about it. this boy calls me mom and would be upset if he knew i knew...do i cover ds's butt and say i did not know ...but he did tell his gf and he can't deny that one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:03pm


Your son had promised his friend he would not say anything and he did. I can understand your son saying something to you but why did he gossip to his girlfriend? Of course the friend is upset. He made an error in judgment. His arrest is an issue for his parents to deal with,not a subject of gossip.

Also, why did you son relay such sensitive information in front of his sister or where others in your family can hear? If he felt that he needed to tell you, it should have done in confidence, away from prying ears. If your DD said something, it is obvious that your son talked and that you know.

Your son should not compound the issue by lying about it (or getting you to lie) but should apologize for not being trust worthy enough to keep a confidence. In the future, that friend will be careful about what he tells your son. That's a pity.

If I were you, I would immediately have a chat with your son. Discuss with the him the concept of keeping a confidence. Impress on him when (life in danger, illegal or dangerous activity....) and to whom he should betray a confidence and why? As I wrote, I understand why you should have been told. You, as his parent,have a right to know about the character of the kids he is friends with. But that's where it stops.

If the topic comes up with the boy, assure him that you know that kids sometimes do things that they should not. You hope that he has learnt his lesson and will never steal again.
You still care about him and that your son told you because he was concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:46pm

"This is between you and DS. You two will have to work it out"

That would be my answer. I would not lie to cover and that would be my 'out'. With my current age and experience, I would know what was up if someone said that to me. Dont know if the friend will read between the lines or not but it wouldnt be my problem. DS made his own bed on this one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:25pm
i did see ds's good friend and he was very sad and uneasy around 4:00 then when i seen him again at around 9:00 p.m. he was ok. he just said to me, "mom, i know he told you"...my response was told me what? and he was just like..well, it's ok then what ever...so that was it. he did not care about my ds's gf knowing,,..it was me and my husband he did not want told. he did not want us to be mad at him."this is for his parents to handle"...his dad died when he was 15 , he is now 18 and has really clung to us since then...his mother has a live in and he lives with his grandmother. so we are like his family. and, i did have a chat w/ds and explained to him that i was not saying that he should not have told me...i want to know this stuff...my ds confides in alot of things w/me about his friends...except this time, dd overheard. dd is like a sister to ds's friend and she did not know it was not supose to be spoken of. i think he was lucky and this one blew over. hopefully ds learned a lesson.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:26pm

I fully understand why your DS told you about the shoplifting.... my DS did essentially the same thing when he was 19 in betraying a confidence by telling it to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:53am
DON'T know if dd was spreading gossip .. like i said , he is like her brother and she did not hear her bio brother say not to say anything. she realizes now though that evidently it was . ds's friend i guess is just letting it go. his spirit has returned and hasn't said anything more about it. my ds tells me probably 3/4 of the things he would never tell or confide in his father. he further tells me things about dd so that i can address them in a round about way. so i am glad for that. hey, they do not come w/manuels when they are born so we are doing the best we can. we all learn by our mistakes. my mother's funny , she always said...don't blow your nose in the wind or it will come back to you...my motto is "don't piss in the wind cuz some day it will come back to you"..never forget when my first cousin say my dd roll her eyes to me and put her hand up like talk to the hand...she was so taken back by it...she has three kids and her kids were much younger then. she told me she would never stand for her kids doing that to her...my response...."Don't piss in the wind"...and guess what ..it came back to her several yrs later and she called me and said..OMG...you are right...and that she was having a difficult time w/her youngest one. i don't wish upon anyone problems w/their kids. it's not easy..we just have to take it a day at a time. thanx for listening. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 9:08am
I don't think your DS was wrong to tell you and his gf, if he asked you to not tell anyone. It's hard when someone we admire does wrong, and we can't discuss it with anyone. In our family we always talk about how the wrongdoers feel, and how important it is to let them regain our respect, without having the whole community learn of their misdeed. It sounds like this friend is a family member to you, and I'm sure any hurt feelings will heal with time, if they haven't already.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 9:16am
he is like a family memeber ..there are 3 or 4 good friends of my kids that call me mom...this one in particular we really took in ..his gram is doing a good job..kids just venture and make the wrong choices sometimes and that's how we all learn...this is a good hearted boy...he is actually going on Monday to be tested to see if he is a kidney match for me older brother who is sick on dialysis. we actually tried to talk him out of it cuz of collage comming up but he really wants to help..i think cuz he seen what his father went through w/cancer ... thanks./ and he is ok w/this now..i don't think he knows that i know and that's fine w/me. and yes, if it is to spare his feelings, i will deny knowing.