How Important is Dad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
How Important is Dad?
9
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:43am
Good Morning,
Well, I can't remember how much (if at all) I have posted here about my husband/daughter's relationship..but, really quick update ( i promise)...he is not her bio dad, been with us since she was 2 1/2 yrs. old, adopted her and is her daddy thru and thru. We also have an 8 yr. old son. Daughter and husband have progressively grown apart...but mostly because of my husband, not daughter. She very much wants to have a relationship with her dad, but he just cannot get that concept. He antagonizes her, and generally holds grudges against her, and constantly critizes her. He does not listen to her (or anybody), has trouble with communication in all facets. Last night was yet another huge blowout, where he acted like a two year old. They had been at each other while I was on the phone, and so he said some nasty, unnecessary (sp?) things and she got upset, and stormed off. When I got off the phone he came back out from her room, and said..."It's over, we talked, you don't need to talk to her". So, since we are working on communicating effectively I asked her (in front of him) if she felt like she had a chance to express her feelings about the whole thing, and if her dad listened and understood. Well, of course, she didn't, because she couldn't, because it was all her dad telling her his side of the story and not allowing her to talk. He constantly interupts, and when you try to talk to him he sais "Im talking now"...so, it turned into this all night blow out and my daughter, for once, told him exactly how she feels...that he never listens, and that it hurts her that he makes no effort to have a relationship with her and so obviously favors her brother over her. It just about killed me. My husband is such a child. Today, he wakes up, and sais " today is a new day, so let's get over yesterday"- that's all the emotion he can conjure up about what she said? God, he just doesn't get it! He is ruining any chance of any relationship. So, my question is, how important is dad? I told her that she is just going to have to accept that this is who he is, and she cannot force him to have a relationship because it just is a disapointment. Im afraid she will look to the first boy that comes her way and latch on to him because of what she lacks from her father. I've said this to him, but, again, he is in denial about all of his behaviours. Feedback anyone? I know this is a rambling mess but I have so much anger and resentment towards him. Counseling? Yeah, I know. I have asked him so many times to get some individual counceling so he can work on his issues, and then we can come together for family counceling. But, it never gets done. HELP! Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 9:11am

hugs to you and dd....


this is sad, and i wonder how much of it has to do with the adoption, how much has to do with who your husband is, and how much has to do with the fact that she is a teen. at any rate, if i were in your shoes (and i have BEEN in your shoes....) I would do my darndest to get him to a therapist. this is what i did at the time - my SON was having alot of problems that were related to my then-husband (it was a second marriage) but my husband refused to go to therapy (because he didn't need it...). so --- my son called a teen clinic, and then they asked to see us, and eventually they got US into couple's therapy. in fact, one of the exercises that the therapist did with us was that we had to write down certain thoughts, then read them aloud to the other person, and then repeat what we heard. guess who could repeat almost verbatim and guess who missed more than half the stuff??? anyway, what i am trying to say is that you might want to try it that way - that its your DAUGHTER who needs the help, and then have the therapist say that she needs to speak with both parents. because - even if *he* DOES need help, the problem now is the relationship between them

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:11am

It sounds like your dealing with a lot here. You asked how important a dad is? A dad is important. A mom is important. But there are plenty of well-adjusted kids out there dealing without one, the other or both.

The most important thing in this matter right now is your dd and her self-image and how she perceives her dad's seeming disinterst and self-centeredness. You can tell her she cannot force him to have a relationship with her and YOU know what you mean by that. He can only change himself, etc. But how does she HEAR that? Teenage girls (maybe boys, too - but I just have a girl) have these weird ear/brain filters that take sensible and seeminingly innocent remarks from their parents and translate them into ego-shattering verbal assaults. I think the ear/brain filters begin to disintegrate right about the time they give birth. I am not being critical of what you said, just making the point that you, alone, may not be able to deflect the mixed messages she is getting from her dad.

Regardless of whether or not he gets counseling, PLEASE take her and consider going yourself. A counselor - an objective person who is not caught up in all that is going on in your home - can help her sort through her feelings of adandonment and confusion ahd he/she can give her the tools to cope.

Your dh might change someday, but nobody can change him but himself. You and your dd need to develop the skills to cope with him while keeping a healthy self-image.

My heart goes out to you.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:35am

Well..that discussion title caught my eye.
I'd say Dad's are pretty darn important....

Sadly, what you describe seems to pop up here quite often.
If only he could see that the end result of what he's looking for is not going to happen with that behavior. If he's not willing to accept family therapy, please go with your DD. He'll initially feel ganged up on. Too bad. Tell him you need to take care of yourself and the rest of the family since he refuses to acknowledge the hurt and anger he's causing. A good therapist will give you and DD some ideas on approaching him while setting limits. The other difficulty that counseling can help with, is the problem of forcing you to "choose sides" as opposed to a healthy united front.

<<<....she couldn't, because it was all her dad telling her his side of the story and not allowing her to talk. He constantly interupts, and when you try to talk to him he sais "Im talking now">>>
Maybe try tape recording the conversation. When you play it back he just may "hear" what he's doing is not working.

<<<" today is a new day, so let's get over yesterday"- >>>
Nobody "gets over" words that hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:40am

Oh normally-wise SK, I hope you didn't mean "I don't know how much this has to do with the adoption" the way it sounds.

Regular posters (yourself included) will recognize me as a pit-bull on this subject.

The OP states he is her father through and through. He's raised her, loved her, tucked her in, lost sleep over her and cheered her on since the age of 21/2.

However your family comes together, your child is your child and your parents are your parents.

jt (adopted dd, 14, a age 8 mos)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:24pm

First - mega hugs for you and your DD - this is so hard.

Of course dads are important. And daughters are important to dads. I'm so sorry to hear that your are having a hard time right now. I have two thoughts, somewhat related.

First, maybe I watch too much Oprah and Dr. Phil, but I think if you tell a man (husband, father, whatever) that you "want a relationship" their brains fuzz over. No insult meant to anyone, but I just don't think many men know what that means or what to do about it. I know my DH responds better to specifics than to generalities like that.

Second, in my experience, my DH connects with my kids over activities that they do together or shared interests. The emotional connectedness comes as a result of that. While DD and I can spend an afternoon together doing nothing and feel closer, if there's nothing to do my DH will go do something on his own. I take my DS to the playground and just play at nothing, DH takes him to play basketball.

To a certain extent I've been open with my DD about these two thoughts - Dad likes doing things with you, but is not always good at thinking of these things. I've also looked for things for them to share - TV shows, music, etc. Sometimes I'll say to DD "tell Dad about that" (e.g., when she was learnign about economics in school).

Your DD and DH have alot of repair work to do, and the other posters' suggestions about counseling are great on this.

But in the meantime, look for some things that they can do. Talk to your DD about being the one to stick her neck out - to do something that she knows Dad will like, even if it's not her favorite thing. My DH has never been great at doing something just because someone else would like it (although getting better), but I can talk to DD about being able to do it for him. Last year they saw a Broadway show, just the two of them. I gave it a pass, so they'd have time together. When she downloads a new CD from iTunes, I encourage her to play it for him.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:29pm

i didn't mean any offence here. i guess i was thinking in terms of *my* ds and *his* step father (who did NOT adopt him altho he said he wanted to). even tho my ex considered himself to be my son's father, even tho he kept saying he loved him etc ---- when push came to shove, he didn't, and DS became "my" son and "my" problem etc....


anyway, thanks for the .... compliment....<<>> lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 1:18pm

Of course Dad's are important--however, and BUT, your DD's self esteem and feelings about herself are a LOT more important, IMHO. Without attacking your DH, let me just say that he reminds me of my stepfather, who was a physically and verbally abusive bully and control freak. To this day, and I turned 50 last week, I have not forgiven my mother (because she was so self centered and refused to leave him) for making us live with him while growing up. He also controlled every conversation, interrupted constantly, told us how to think and feel about everything, and when we dared to disagree, that's when he would get physically violent. At least you don't have to deal with that. Your DD needs to have a voice in the house--she needs to have her own opinions. If your DH continues this way, she will lose all self confidence and let people walk over her her entire life. I solved the problem by leaving the house the day I turned 18, going to live with my grandmother while I finished high school. My brother solved the problem by getting a girl pregnant and getting married at 18. We both eventually went to college.

"today is a new day, so let's get over yesterday"- That is just his way of controlling everyone else. He's saying, "I'm not dealing with my behavior so that's a big tough doo-doo to everyone else in this house. Today's a new day, and the rules remain the same--MY WAY."

Your DD NEEDS therapy now! She needs to know she is entitled to her own opinion, and if her Dad doesn't agree with that opinion, she is safe--she's not going to be harangued and harrassed by Dad and bullied into listening to him wax on. And she needs to deal with the pain of him liking your DS better. (P.S., the only reason he likes DS better is that he's only 8 -- when he starts having his own opinions, DH will bully him too.)

As far as the suggestion the other posters have about them doing things together; I am willing to bet your DD would just as soon not. DH's behavior won't stop just because they are at a movie or out of the house. DD has likely pretty much given up on having a relationship with him, and it may really be all right and fine with her. Until your DH gets help and does a complete turnaround, and learns that he can state his opinion once, in a normal-toned voice, and then walk away, your house will be in turmoil.

Sorry, this really touched a nerve with me. I am in no way saying your DH is a bad person, I am just giving you the perspective of someone who lived through it. Lots of hugs to you for what you are going through. This is a lot of stress to carry--always waiting and listening for DH to blow up and start a tirade.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 1:29pm

My 16dd and my H (her stepdad) have similar relationship issues. Once the blow out has calmed a bit, he will go in to 'smooth things over' and really what he's doing is simply reiterating what he was ranting about earlier and she basically just clams up because she feels it's pointless to say anything at all at that point because he's not listening anyway. And if, by some miracle, he allows her a moment to speak her peace, he simply dismisses her comments as if they are untrue. It's been a battle to help them work through this. I've gone to counseling so I could help. The counselor told me to find a way to support them both. That was hard. The the counselor advised me to take a step back and allow them to work through it themselves while lending my dd some extra 'private' support and that's basically what I've done and I see changes. But the biggest change has been recently - dd began seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist who has helped her to learn techniques in communicating with difficult people and it's been working for the most part with dd.

Also, I think that you can have discussions with your dd and explain to her that yes, some dads have a hard time seeing thier dd's grow into young women and there often is more strife in thier relationship for a few years; they both need to learn patience and perhaps perspective as well. She's old enough to realize and understand and value the fact that dad is a human being, not a super being, he's not perfect and he has his own faults. In particular, I had to do this in regards to her bio-dad because he really is detached from her life yet has no problem picking her apart for stupid things like her hair color or hobbies. I know he loves her, he's just retarded as a dad and doesn't know how to be a dad or express his feelings as a dad but that's not a reflection of dd, you know? And kids do take that on and it's not right.

I would get your dd into counseling so she knows that she's okay as she is, she's loveable and fun and even if her dad is being a poop, she can find other ways of filling herself up with self worth and loving herself as she is. She can fill the void. There are also programs out there like Big Brother/Big Sister where she can work with someone who can perhaps be a mentor for her in something she is interested, such as a sport or hobby.

Hugs to you and your dd. I'm sorry that you're still struggling with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2001
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 8:26am
I have posted here a few times but lurk daily. This post really touched my heart. I can say I completly understand where you are at. I have two children from my first marriage. I met my husband a week after my daughter had turned two and my son was three and half. We were married a year later. After Three years of court battles I was able to strip my ex of his parental rights. My husband adopted my children right after. There are no other children other then these two. My husband is there father they never new there bio father. Here is the But, over the years I have tried to find many things for my husband to build his relationship with our children. An example that I can use is this My husband was a boy scott in his younger years loved and earned many badges. When my son was old enough to join I tried pushing my husband to take the time and go with my son to boy scotts. Never did so my son would not join. The other day my husband sister called and told him how his 7 year old nephew has joined the boy scotts and is loveing it and doing great in it. My husband was so excited to here that there was going to be a badge ceromony and was invited to go. Husband has even offered to get involved in some of his activities. As I could here the excitment in his voice while he was talking to his sister on the phone all I could do was cry in side thinking if you could of shown that excitment with your own son 12 years ago things would be so different now. Other example could be when my son got his permit I had asked my husband to take him out driveing in the six months time he took him out twice I taught him how to drive. Now that my daughter has her permit and has had it for six months my husband has taken her out once that was the first week that she had it I have not asked him to. I shouldn't have to ask. So My whole point to this is. My husband has ruined his relationship with the kids through the years. Now that the kids are 17 and a senior in high school and 15 and a sophmore I no longer make suggestion for my husband to spend time with the kids. I have learned that it just ends up in dissapointment for both the kids and me. So I can understand how you feel. How hard it is when you want the fathers to put there heart and soul into raising the kids and it just isn't there no matter how hard you try to build the relationship for them and it doesn't work.
melisd