How Late is OK for 13?
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| Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:00am |
How late do/did you let your 13 yo's stay out on weekend nights?
What's normal... safe... appropropriate for very young teens? What did you allow when your's were 13 and would you allow the same thing now, based on what you now know about the teen world and changing culture?
I feel I'm riding in the middle between the very strict parents and the very relaxed parents and I'm not sure if I'm making choices based on my memory of DS as a little boy... or if it's just plain silly for a 13 year old to be out at 11, 12, 1 at night -- excluding sleepovers, of course.
(It's kinda funny because the kids whose parents I think undersupervise and have very "relaxed" limits, DS tells me those kids don't LIKE their parents very much. The kids whose parents are strict, those kids get mad but generally like their parents. I pointed this out to DS during a heated *discussion* about being out late and he had to pause in surprise. THAT was an interesting part of our conversation. But I digress....)
Karen

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Our two oldest have recently passed their teens. Our youngest is 16. Our two oldest have thanked us for our structure and limit-setting. They have actually said that when/if they have children, they will rear them in a similar fashion. The 16 year-old, of course, thinks our rules are "studpid" sometimes, but we have heard this complaint before. He will get over it.
The kids who had the "cool," "relaxed" parents were the kids who usually had less self-control and were rudderless, according to our older two. They were USUALLY, not always, the ones who got involved with drugs and sexual activity at a young age. Your son's observations line up with ours. Believe it or not, kids actually crave limits and structure. They feel safer with them.
I have a DS who is 13. He doesn't go out much at night, but when he does, I'd say that 10pm would be the absolute limit. The times he's gone to parties and dances,it's been more like 9:00 or 9:30. Of course there are special circumstances. He is looking forward to the release of the new Harry Potter book this summer and wants to go to a midnight party at a local bookstore w/ some friends when the book is released. I guess I'd let him go as long as my husband or I (or another parent) was there the entire time.
We have gotten into some debates lately about going to concerts. He wanted to go to one in a city about 1 1/2 hours away from our home a couple of weeks ago. But I didn't feel like we knew the other kids' parents well enough and I was uncomfortable having him out that far away from home until 11pm or midnight. If I knew the parents better, it might have been different.
As you might guess, we are told almost daily by our kids that we are "too strict". But when I check w/ other parents, I find that our rules are not out of line. I guess I'll never be considered the "cool" parent, but I was never "cool" anyway!
I usually based the curfew on what the plans for the evening were, but in general, in middle school my kids were expected to be home at 11 on Friday and Saturday, 9 during the week. When they got to high school it was midnight on Friday and Saturday and 10 during the week, 10:30 if there was no school the next day. Since all 3 of my DSs turned 18 early in their senior year, once they turned 18 it became "decent and reasonable" until they graduated from high school as long as they continued to get up without a lot of hassle in the morning and maintained their grades. How much flexibility I give them on these times depends on the kid and how responsibly they've handled the freedom that they have been given. One of my DSs could handle a lot less freedom than the others, just because he wasn't very responsible in handling what freedom he got. Eventually he figured it out, that the more responsible he behaved, the less closely I watched him, and things got MUCH better.
As far as kids "liking" lenient parents less... I'm not surprised. Kids LIKE guidelines and expectations, no matter how much they complain about it. It might just be my experience, but in general, it seems that strict parents are more consistent in enforcing expectations, where kids don't know what to expect if the consistency isn't there.
When my dd was 13 the only times she was out at night were when she had extracurricular activities that ran late (and then she'd always be picked up and driven home) or for special parties and events.
The year she turned 13 many of her Jewish friends were holding bat-mitzvahs. She went to three that were evening parties. One she went to her friend's mom picked them up at midnight and she slept over at her friend's place. At the other two she attended she was home by midnight. But these were family parties with alot of supervision. That year she also had her grade school graduation dance which went to 11:30 and she had an 8th grade three day excursion to Montreal where the girls pretty much opened up all adjoining room doors and my dd tells me she was up until 1AM most nights.
But these were supervised things. If it was a movie night with her friends generally they would see the early movie and be picked up at 9. My dd is now 15 going on 16 and her limit is 11PM, 11:30PM tops.
I think it would depend upon what my son (13) was doing. Hockey game ... I don't expect to see him until 11:00. HS basketball game 9:30. Movie ... that would depend upon when the movie started.
In general though I do feel that there is no reason for my 13 year old to just be hanging out with friends at night at this age. There is no reason for it.
stacy
My question was prompted after my son and some friends were allowed to go to the skating rink with no adults staying to monitor them (it's a safe place though.) When the pick up moms appeared at the pre-designated time of 10, the boys were all mad because they wanted to stay longer.
Needless to say DS and I discussed this thoroughly (including the concept of calling BEFORE parents arrived if a change in plan was desired.)
But afterwards I wondered if DS was correct in saying 10 pm was too early for a 13 year old. (It didn't seem too early to me, but I'm OLD)
Rose
I haven't read the other responses, but my 13DS has no 'curfew'. Once his activity is over, he comes home. Movie over...home.....skating over....home.
So far, he hasn't gone to parties...he goes to his girlfriend's house but the time limit has always been 2 1/2 hrs and he's home by 9:30----so I really dont' have a curfew...just an unwritten rule that when the activity is over, he comes home.
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