How to Motivate My Teen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
How to Motivate My Teen
7
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 7:43am

I hope this is the right board for this and that this situation doesn't seem trivial to those with larger problems. I am looking for someplace to turn and unfortunatly don't have any friends who can relate. Here's the story (sorry if it's long!):

We have 2 DDs - 16 and 12. It's the 16 yo we are concerned about. She is a good girl, but has made a few bad decisions lately. Minor bad decisions that she has suffered the consequences for. No drugs. She may have snuck out once, there may have been some drinking. All things we are dealing with and will get over just fine.

Our problem is in motivating her. She is a high school junion and a "B/C" student who wants to go to college. She is 100% capable of "A" work but chooses not to do anything. She barely completes homework, puts little effort into projects and rarely studies for test and quizzes. I have met with her guidance counselor and teachers. They all have the same story - Katie can get great grades, but doesn't hand things in, doesn't study and is VERY social - having a GREAT time in high school.

She had a great 1st marking period in everything but math, which has always been a more challenging subject for her. In our school we get mid-quarter grades. Katie's didn't look very good, so I met with the teachers to see what she could do to pull them up by the end of the quarter. Each teacher gave her a list of outstanding items - some they would accept, some not, some they would give her half credit for. A few teachers gave her an opportunity for extra credit. They are also willing to provide help after school when needed. SHE DID NONE OF IT!!! And, her 2nd quarter grades dropped as a result.

As I stated earlier, she wants to go to college. She wants to go to a "good" college and she wants to go away. I support this, but my dilemna is:
1) She is setting herself up to not be able to get into a good college and
2) How can I allow her to go to college (and how can I justify paying for it) if she can't handle the high school work. The work will be harder and the social distractions will be greater.

We have tried to deal with this in many ways. We have restricted her social life. She is not allowed to go out on school nights. So what does she do? She does her homework and then begs us to let her go to a friend's house or have a friend over here. Is her homework really done? Not sure.

DH and I discussed if we should drop our intervention at school and just let her 'sink or swim' at this point. We decided that in the 3rd marking period of her junior year, we have to do all we can to help her. I have again contacted all the teachers and asked that they keep in touch with me on a weekly basis.

She also has no motivation to look at all the college mail and books we have. I told her that I am not going to pick the school for her. Again, do we let her 'sink or swim'? I think that she needs some hand-holding on this and I am going to take time each week to weed thru the stuff with her. Maybe once she gets a handle on it, she will take the college search process more seriously and be more independent with it.

Again, not knowing where to turn, I would love any advice you experienced parents may have on this.

TIA,

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:47am

Hi

I don't have direct experience yet - my DD is only 14, and college is still sort of distant for her.

One thing that struck me in reading your post is your daughter's words don't match her actions - in other words, she's saying she wants to go to college, but isn't doing the actions that would get her there. Sometimes people say things that they think other people want them to say, but don't reallly mean it. Not just kids - adults do this too! But she might be thinking "of course I want to go to college, doesn't everybody?" "or mom and dad expect me to go to college".

I'd sit down with her and give her room to explore this - maybe she *does* want to go to college and needs help from you in organizing both her studying and reading college brochures; maybe she's overwhelmed and would love the ability to say that to you; maybe she's wanting to take time off after HS. If she really does want to go to college, you can help her set priorities and goals. At this point, she shouldn't be aiming for A's just to make you and her dad happy, it should be coming from her own motivation. Put that in her lap - that it's up to her to find the reasons to do well in school. By junior year in HS I wouldn't punish for grades - it's got to begin to be from her own motivation. Otherwise when she *does* get to college, she won't have learned how to motivate herself. I *have* from time to time offered to help my DD with studying and/or reviewed her work. But I would rather have her ask me if she needs help - actually rather that she finds the motivation on her own, but will help if she asks. That way it's coming from her.

YOu said: <<>> I'd ask her those two questions - what kinds of grades do you need to get into the colleges you want and how will you get them? And, how will you handle the independence of college when the social distractions are even greater than HS?

HTH

Good luck

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 10:08am

in addition to the other poster's remarks, this may be a good time for you to explain the facts fo life to your child. its one thing if she doesn't want to go to college or get any other kind of job training - but she needs to understand what the rules are. in many homes, parents will support their children WHILE THEY ARE IN COLLEGE but that's it. if the children choose to skip college, then they have to become self supportive. if they want to continue living a thome, then they have to start participating in the home expenses (i mean after she graduates from HS) and the chores. this is not a punishment, but it is the way "life" is. most of us have to work in order to put a roof over our heads.


i agree that you need to sit down with her and ask her what she means by 'yes i wanna go to college' but 'no i am not willing to do what it takes to get there'. tell her that the better schools costs XXXX$ and she will have to work hard and at least get a partial scholarship. i don't see why you should be spending money on her to go live in a dorm, and party.


as for the school --- i don't know what you should do but obviously the 'deals' that *you* were making with the teachers are not working and its time to try something else. this falls between the thin line of her responsibility and her not being responsible enuf....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 11:09am

My first thoughts on reading your post were quite similar to those of ljd_mom. Your DD is saying one thing, but her actions are indicating something quite different.

Also like ljd_mom, my DD is only 14, so college seems far, far away now, but I know the time will come only too soon.

I think I'd suggest sitting down and having a heart-to-heart with your DD. Tell her she is saying one thing, but her actions and behavior aren't supporting her words. Does she really want to go to a 4-year college? Does she have a specific school in mind? Perhaps she just isn't aware of the effort it is going to take on her part to get accepted into her school of choice -- or any school for that matter.

It is also possible that she isn't aware of how quickly the time will speed by and she will not be prepared when it comes college application time. Maybe she's thinking "oh, I still have plenty of time to bring my grades up." Time seems to stretch on forever when you're young, doesn't it?

I do think, however, that the effort needs to come from your DD. After you have made one more major attempt to get her going on the right path, she needs to take the initiative to get the ball rolling. It may be that if she doesn't get on track, she'll spend a couple years at a local community college before getting to her 'good' school.

There have been plenty of occassions over this last year that I've had to nag DD to get something done (a project, homework, etc.) and it is hard, but eventually, I have to let her take care of whatever it is on her own time and terms. I'll say something like "you know this is due ... you know what it's going to take to get it done. I'm not going to mention it again, just make sure it's done on time and is your best work." I'm now having to do this with my middle school son. It seems to be easier the 2nd time around!

Like I said, it's not always easy to step back and let her handle it her way, but sometimes, you just have to!

Hope everything works out for you,

jules

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 12:33pm

Welcome. You've come to the right place. Remember, there are no "trival" problems with teens - maybe there are bigger ones, but certainly not trivial ones when you're the mom! I have a couple of things to add to the wise comments you've already gotten.

Have you ruled out learning disabilites and/or depression? My dd was dx'd with add two years ago - much to the astonishment of her teachers. Some kids just don't have the classic symptoms - or the symptoms can be masked as they were in the cause of my little actress/people-pleaser. My dd doesn't have the hyperactivity part, so she was never disruptive. She was very good at acting as if she was paying attention while she was off in dreamland. She's been on strattera for quite awhile now and it's made a world of difference. Depression can also make a kid appear to be unmotivated.

If that has been ruled out, by all means have "the talk" with her. The truth of the matter is - you really cannot motivate another person. She can only motivate herself.

Best of luck to you and your dd.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-1999
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 12:41pm
I can certainly understand your problem- I agree with one of the other posts- and will add- to it- are you certain she really wants to go to college - for 4yrs? Maybe a community college would be better.
Also- kids at this age think that their actions in HS don't matter to a college- and as we all know they do- esp. the Junior year.
I would sit down with her and start looking at some college web sites- esp. for the schools she thinks she wants to attend. Go to thier admissions site at look at what qualifications these schools want- maybe if she sees what grades/ SAT Scores/ etc that these colleges want- she will see that just getting by with B/C is not going to cut it! You can talk all you want but of course as a Mom- what do YOU know? Also- if you can arrange to go visit a college and get to talk with the admissiions dept- maybe if she hears it from them- she will see that you can't just say I want to go to college "A" and they will let me in!
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 1:55pm

Welcome to my life! ;)

This is my senior and middle son. We just spent yesterday morning in the guidance office.

Frankly, the man was nice, but the school has been pretty useless with this.

DS2 is very bright, as I suspect your dd is, but has no urge to put forth effort-he admits this and says it has always been true

He was essentially an A student through 9th grade and then things slipped. I guess that was the point he actually needed to put forth effort and he refused. He hasnt carried a book bag for 2 yrs-spends zero time on homework-yet still ended last year with a low B average.

ACT scores in the top 3% first time out. No interest in repeating the test even though his math scores were weak. Decided he had it made

Applied to his first choice college and 2 back ups ONLY because mom insisted. He was rejected by his top pick and it knocked him for a loop but.....didnt help to motivate him but instead decided "nothing matters now"

He skips multiple classes. He failing at least one(doesnt count for graduation) WE get the calls and have tried home punishments but there are no consequences at school-we have spoken with the attendance dean, counselor, teachers, office personnel and NOTHING is done. Its been very furstrating. I can hardly quit my job to attend high school again holding his hand!

Wont say what college he wants and will not say he does not want to go

As of the last late night discussions with DH(and this may change as obviously we have no answers)

we will pay for one semester of college-period. If he does not have Cs or better, he will have 6 months to work and save his money while living at home and then will be expected to move out and support himself(including college loans should he wish to continue)

We certainly will do what we can to help. We have already been through this with the oldest(more later) I will help with furniture for an apartment, pay cell phone for awhile so he actually calls, etc

But he is not going to live at home for free while accumulating all his wages from a minimum wage job to use for fun money(as is quite the trend today-counselor and articles Ive read have stated this)

We will stop asking about college. We will stop reminding him about how the money has to be in May 1st to hold a spot and insure dorm placement

He can always attend the Community college but he will live at home. When things were going better, we said we would pay for an apartment but he has given us every reason to doubt he will attend and put forth effort-why throw away tuition AND living expenses on a 12 mo lease?

The counselor said that community college is a good choice for a kid like DS2 EXCEPT if he is doing so with the intent of hanging out with the same parties he is goofing off with now

And yep-that is the case

but...we feel we owe him one semester to redeem himself

and I suspect he will end up at the community college by default because he wont follow through with the two state colleges to fill out acceptance paperwork

DS1 WAS accepted to the same desired school with comparable stats. He was actually accepted to the Engineering College which is one of the best in the country. This is partly why DS2 who was applpying to a easier curriculum thought hed get in

Anyway, DS1 dropped out after midterms arrived for first semester. If he hadnt he wouldve flunked out. This way we got 40% of the tuition back

He tried working, he tried community college and nothing interested him. But...he has always shown up for and excelled at work and he did great at the CC-just didnt like it

WE did the 6 mo move out thing with him and he was upset with us at first(always hard as a parent)

But he has been out for 14 months now. He has a GF he lives with and she goes to CC so she coerced him to go again. He tried an online class and loved it. This semester he is taking 2 and working 30 hours a week. Its going to be a long haul but I imagine he will eventually piece at least an Associates together

Mostly, though, he has matured soooo much.

We pay for the classes only-no living expenses. We would pay for books but he has never asked and....we had problems with this at the University. DH had to take him by the hand to resell his books to the bookstore so we recouped some of our funds.

Im not sure he has matured enough to make that effort unless its his money

Good luck

I hope it gets better before it gets worse

Definitely getting someone other than you to honestly discuss what it takes to get into X school is a great idea

Most state schools here in IL arent going to require awesome grades and test scores.

I think acknowledging that is good because we lose credibility when we say they have to have 4 yrs of language and AP classes to get into any college. Its not true. And when their older buddy gets in with one yr of Spanish and a low C they roll their eyes even more when we speak

My son, failing College Algebra(junior/senior level course-not AP)?

The instructor told me he did not need to have it unless he was planning to go to a place like Yale(his choice of words, not mine)

I think we are misled by the media sometimes.

DS has admittance to 2 of his 3 choices(with invite to Honors College on one)

That isnt the problem-what he will do/not do upon arrival is the problem

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 8:52pm
Sounds exactly like my 16 year old dd a few months ago. She was really taking money for granted and insisting on getting really expensive jeans and clothes. I started telling her I would pay half for some of the items. She had to come up with the rest of the money if these things were so important to her. I told her she should get a job so that she could have the things she wanted. That was eye-opening to her. She has learned alot about saving up for things and I know she appreciates them more. She also has to buy her own gas for her car. Last year we said we would buy her a car and if her grades were good she would have a nicer car (I really needed her to help shuttle the other two kids to activities). Well, I guess she didn't believe me because she didn't try very hard at her school work and her grades weren't very good. So, she really had no say in the car because she didn't live up to her end of the deal. Dh and I bought a $3000 Nissan with standard transmission... she is not fond of this car and had hoped for something newer. But she learned a lesson. I told her, in life if you work hard you will be rewarded. Now I would say that after 5 months of working, she has become a pretty good employee and is earning money which she is saving for a nicer car. I am finally starting to feel like it is not hopeless after all (the laziness and sense of entitlement). We are not completely out of the woods yet... but progress, not perfection is what I am hoping for with this child. My advice is offer rewards, but DO NOT give in if she doesn't live up to the expectations. She will whine and complain, but she will learn. Otherwise, she will continue with the "princess" attitude which would really not be good for her future.
Deb
Debbie