how much isolation is normal
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| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 1:27pm |
How much isolation is a normal part of the teen years? My DD15 is often holed up in her room--either reading, listening to music, or (most often) talking on the phone to her boyfriend. She spent about 3 hours--the entire evening--on the phone with him last night. They have been going out for about 5 months. When we do see her, she is usually on the computer in the family room, IMing him and her other friends.
Today we're having a major winter storm, and he invited her to come over to his house, which both of them know we don't allow. When I pointed out the heavy snow coming down outside our window, she said his parents offered to come pick her up! And they all know full well we don't allow her to go over there. We suggested they drop him off at our house instead, but she doesn't like that idea and would prefer to mope and retreat to her room behind her closed door. I feel that this bf is very manipulative. (HeartsandRoses posted a link on another thread yesterday to a personality profile which I think is starting to approach this bf.)
We try to limit her time on the computer and on the phone--but even with that, she usually chooses to do something other than interact with the rest of the family. Is this normal? Any suggestions?

My 15yo alternates between wanting to be alone (in her room, or in my room) and then wanting to be right on top of us! I think some time wanting to be alone is normal. I know that for my DD - she spends all day surrounded by people and really craves the alone time she gets when she first gets home from school. On days that I'm home before her (rare), she's really testy. She needs to de-compress.
Are there things you and your DD like to do together? DH and I each have favorite TV shows we watch with DD (me - desperate housewives, him - 24). She comes out of her room to play guitar or bass. She'll sit with me and read together.
The BF issue is another one. I agree that limiting time is a good idea, but it may blow up in your face if she sneaks to see him. I'd also limit phone time - 3 hours is too long! If BF's parents are supporting you, it's going to be an uphill battle. And, she'll probably punish you by pulling away - but hang in there - things will get better!
It depends a lot on the inherent personlity traits of the kid, I think. For an extrovert to start spending a lot of time in isolation, is probably not normal. Our DS23 is quite outgoing and he rarely spent time alone or on the phone, or on the computer.
DS17, OTOH, is an introvert and spends lots of time alone, but he is rarely in his room with the door closed. When he's alone it's usually in front of the TV (I try every now and then, but I just cannot watch it with him) or playing video games (not much, really--just gets a week every few months where he does a lot of it). Or sometimes he goes to gf's or she comes to our house.
Now after his suspension last October, he DID spend a lot of time behind closed doors, either in his bedroom, in bed, or the bathroom. That definitely had me worried. I'd be in the kitchen and he'd be in the bathroom, in silence (not on the toilet or in the shower)for 15 minutes doing who knows what. I think he was just staring at himself in the mirror, in a daze, I dunno. That, along with other strange behavior, was disturbing enough to me to have him see a psychologist, and I do think that helped him.
So if you notice weird things like I did, or attitude changes along with the isolation there's probably reason for concern. If your DD's behavior toward you is pretty much the same (same general disposition, manner of talking, smiling, hello/goodbye, hugging etc.) I wouldn't worry too much about the isolation. But I do think that a phone and IM time limit of one hour might help bring her back to the family if you sense she's drifting too much.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Right now, I can't think of anything she likes to do with me. There used to be TV shows we watched together--like Gilmore Girls, etc.--but lately, she's either on the phone w/ the bf at those times or IMing (in the family room). I've tried to limit her phone time by saying she needs to be off by a certain time at night. It's hard to monitor when she can be on her cell phone up in her room, unless I'm constantly running upstairs to check on her. I'm almost at the point of having her turn in her cell phone to me when she's home. What really got my goat was last weekend when we went to the mall together, she listened to her iPod in the car, so we couldn't even talk. I had to put my foot down about that. I'm really resentful that all of these "toys" we've gotten her--like the computer (which she shares w/ her brother), the cell phone and the iPod are all being used to avoid any interaction with the family.
Also, I'm worried that this bf is manipulating her. I know he complains to her constantly about how "strict" we are (although I've checked w/ other parents and our rules aren't all that different from most), plus I notice that she no longer hangs out with the many girlfriends she had before she met him. I think he is a big part of why she has withdrawn. She is someone who is normally introverted and has always needed some alone time, but she was also very sweet before she got involved with this bf.
We had pretty strict rules for DD when she was 15 as far as phone, internet and boys were concerned. There was no phone for more than 1/2 an hour at a time. It's just not necessary. (IMO) There was only about 1 hour of internet - unless she needed more time for homework. And there were NO boy allowed when we weren't home and there was no way she was going to hang out at a BF's house. I was pretty lucky... she was a good kid overall and we never really had times when she totally avoided the fam. But there were a few times that the boy thing became a point of contention between us. She did stupid things like the
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When you say that, and that she is withdrawing, you may want to suggest something like my DS and gf agreed on. DS17 said that he and gf agreed to spend time with each other at least one night per week on a weeknight, but that weekends would be for group activities--sometimes she's part of those, and sometimes it's just the guys. When he told me that, I kind of liked the idea and I was sure it had to be gf's idea. But he told me that HE had made the suggestion. The fact that DS would make a suggestion like that is particularly noteworthy for someone nicknamed "submissive _______" by his best friends. (I wonder if DS23 reminded him of how so much of his last 1.5 yrs of HS were spent with his gf, and that he regretted not spending more time with ALL his friends. Or, it could just mean that being the "can't say no" guy he is, he suggested this rather than having to say he wants to spend less time with her. I hope it's the former.)
It is not good if DD's bf is manipulating her.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
May I ask why she is never allowed to the bf's house even when the parents will be present?
I guess I would be more worried about your DD spending all her time w/ BF to the exclusion of her girlfriends. We all know that a high school relationship probably won't last and at that point, she will need to have friends to rely on. However, if she has ignored them, they might be a little reluctant to welcome her back into the group. Also, she probably won't listen to you if you say they are going to break up, because she will be certain that this is the love of her life. Maybe you could mention something about how even though you & your DH are happily married, you both still have friends that you go out with and don't devote 100% of your time to each other and that people need to have outside interests to make themselves more interesting too, or something to that effect.
As far as spending time w/ the fam, my DSD is 16 and I know it has irritated my DH to no end that she ignores him and spends most of her time in her room. I point out that when he was that age, he probably wasn't spending time hanging around w/ his family either. I at least have diaries I have saved since h.s. so I can read about the fact that every weekend I wanted to be w/ my friends, not my family and that I was totally bored when I had to go somewhere w/ them (not so much when it was my grandparents' but when I had to go to their friends' houses). Of course we didn't have cell phones or IMs back then, but my parents used to get annoyed when I would come home and want to spend hours on the phone w/ my friends. They always used to say "didn't you just spend all day w/ them in school?" but of course, we were in class and when we got home we had to go over everything that happened that day.
My DH will complain that his DD is spending too much time in her room but then I remind him that he gets annoyed when the kids want to watch TV downstairs and he wants to watch something else and he reminds them that they have TVs in their rooms and we don't, so he has contributed to this. Lately the 2 of them have been watching some TV like CSI together, so I think the solution is to find something you can do together which doesn't seem like you are forcing her to spend time w/ you. W/ me & my DD (who's now 18) it was always shopping or getting manicures. She's happy to spend time w/ me any time I am paying for something. We started spending less time together after she got her driver's license. Before that at least I saw her when I was driving her & friends to the mall or the movies so at least I could find out what was going on.
Personally, I think a lot of these problems go away as kids get older...unless we make too much of them.
I agree that the whole advent of "toys" has made it possible for our kids to communicate with us less, and that is a concern of mine. The ipod makes it possible NOT to have to converse or compromise on music in the car (and I resent that, because my eclectic and varied musical tastes come in part, I believe, from listening to my parents' music). The cell phone makes it possible for kids to spend hours on the phone - when the phone was attached by a cord in the kitchen, most of us didn't want to say certain things to our "dates" in front of our parents, so phone calls were generally shorter.
Firm rules on times and limits can restrict your DD's usage, but it won't make her want to spend more time with the family. My DS would rather sit on the porch and sing to himself than spend time with us. Phone and internet curfews and specific rules (my son has a rule that he cannot use his cell phone in my car - to text or call anyone - when I'm giving him a ride somewhere - otherwise, he can find his own transportation).
In general, they come back to the fold eventually - usually when you stop bugging them about it. I put the tv on, sit on the couch, and start watching - eventually, DS comes in and sits down. The other day, I went upstairs to take a nap and basically ignored him - he came upstairs and actually LAYED DOWN NEXT TO ME ON THE BED and started talking to me about random things. THe more you chase them, the more they run.
As for excluding her gf's, if you believe the relationship is unhealthy, I would address that - but NOT by telling her to "hang out more with her friends." Simply tell her you're putting a limit on the time she spends with BF (not unreasonable for a 15 yo). Let her figure out what she's going to do with the spare time. Most of the kids this age DO ignore their friends (or at least appear to), but in reality, if they're seeing them in school, they're still connected. The question is - are her friends trying to contact her and being unsuccessful?
The relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one - but that's just from my perspective. And it may just not sound that way because you're hearing a lot of what's going on. MOST kids tell their gf/bf that the other's parents are too strict if they don't have the freedoms they do - but we don't know that's what they're saying. If that makes sense.
Anyway, good luck, keep us posted, and stay strong - people tell me this gets better as they get older (I hope I hope I hope)