How Much to Tell a Teen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
How Much to Tell a Teen
33
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:24am

I am completely stressed out today. My DH was at a work function last night and had a car wreck. It was considered a hit and run because the other car left the scene. Thankfully no people were hurt, but DH got a ticket for DUI. I am just sick about this. We will be without our 2nd car, he'll have to go to court, etc. It will be costly, I'm sure.

DH doesn't want the kids to know, but I think the teen (14 in a couple days) might figure it out on his own. I guess I agree to keep the information under wraps, but I feel uncomfortable being in the position to cover for my DH. He doesn't have a drinking problem or anything. He just didn't use good judgment and did something incredibly stupid. I feel awful.

How much would you tell a teen about something like this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:29am

How scary - glad your dh wasn't hurt.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:36am

I don't think the police will pursue the other driver. It's sort of hard to explain, but I got the impression from the police officer (I had to go post bond in the middle of the night) that they don't think they'll find the other driver. I think they have concluded that DH is at fault because of the DUI even though the other car left the scene.

Yes, I had to leave my kids at home asleep in order to go and pick him up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 1:31pm
What are the odds that the teen is going to hear about it, or figure it out on his own? If it's a better than 50/50 shot, I'd tell him, admitting that dad made a mistake. Trust goes both ways, and if you want to be able to trust your DS (and teach him not to withhold important info from you) then you have to be willing to trust him with important family information. He's likely to feel very betrayed if he finds out about this thru less direct methods than you telling him... and then rationalize "I don't have to tell them because they don't tell ME anything!" Not the right attitude to have, but I can see a teen believing that it's a justified one.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 1:41pm

I most definitely agree with BunnieRose. And I absolutely do not support lying to children - particularly when it's something they can find out. Besides teaching them that dishonesty is ok, it also, like Rose says, puts them in the (irrational) position of thinking it's ok to lie to YOU - which can be unsafe.

In most towns, DUI charges are published in the local paper. It might be, it might not be. But I guarantee you if it is, your son will find out about it - through someone else (a friend's husband got arrested for smoking a joint - stupid jerk - his kids found out about it when one of their friends came into school mocking them). If he's going to find out from someone else, I'd tell him - and fast. This is going to affect your family for a while - besides the loss of license, there's the expense of getting it back, the surcharges, and the insurance premium increases - which may affect your ability to put your DS on your insurance when the time comes (in NJ, it costs as much as 10-20,000 to get your license back and pay all surcharges and fees).

In addition to that, this could actually be a lesson for your child. Although what your DH did was not smart, that in and of itself is a good lesson - this is what happens when you do things that aren't smart...might make DS think twice before either getting behind the wheel after drinking or getting in a car with someone ELSE who's been drinking (and unfortunately, at 14, that possibility ALREADY exists).

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 1:47pm

<>

My sentiments exactly ... I couldn't think of a good way to put these thoughts into words, and you did it so well!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 2:08pm

Everything. Teens need to see how doing stupid things like this can and will cause problems for everyone. Not only are you out one car and he inconvience for that, but now his dad will miss work, possibly loose his licience for a while, inconviencing you to need to drive him etc..

JMO
Stacy

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 3:17pm

I'd be honest, but maybe not super thorough in that a 14 year old won't know the details of laws on DUI, etc. I'd say then, once closer to permit-age, I'd go into more detail citing the details so he's aware of what can really happen. Use this as info now, and a lesson when closer to driving age, unless he does ride with other teen drivers already. JMHO.

Sue

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 5:45pm
Oh, gee, how awful for all of y'all. I can certainly understand why your dh doesn't want to tell the kids, I wouldn't want to either. But, as the others have said, he may not really have a choice. Now, if you live somewhere like NYC or SF or somewhere like that, it may be easier to keep it under wraps, especially if he wasnt' picked up in your neighborhood. But, it is amazing how fast news like that can travel and how quickly your teen will hear about it. And, if he is not informed by you, there is no telling how "bad" the whole episode will be by the time he hears it (remember the telephone game??) It's tough that the teen is only 14 (nearly), but I agree that this could be a good life lesson for him. I would certainly tell him. You may not want to go into every little gory detail, but be honest with him. This will affect your entire family and he needs to know what's going on. Plus, he will see first hand the long-term fallout for not making good choices and how it affects everyone around you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 5:50pm

I feel for you having to go through all this. I'm always warning my DH when he joins the guys for "a drink" that it better be just one, knowing then he'll limit it to two.

If that were to happen to us, I could not hide my anger and there'd be tension between me and DH. I know our sons would pick up on it and sense something was wrong. Rather than have them worry about it, I think I'd be direct and tell them about it, and let them know it needs to remain confidential because DH is embarrassed by it; and that DH needs all our love at this time cuz he's feeling pretty lousy about himself. I think I'd keep the "let this be a lesson to you" part very brief--they'll feel it in the atmosphere. You can do more explaining to the kids about all the ramifications of one, stupid mistake when they start driving.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 7:57pm

He obviously has a problem or he would not have been driving while drunk. That is serious. I lost my best friend to a drunk driver. Your DH could have killed someone.

My advice: Take your son and leave until you husband can grow up. A man with a 14 year old child should NOT be "making mistakes" like that.

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