How Much to Tell a Teen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
How Much to Tell a Teen
33
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:24am

I am completely stressed out today. My DH was at a work function last night and had a car wreck. It was considered a hit and run because the other car left the scene. Thankfully no people were hurt, but DH got a ticket for DUI. I am just sick about this. We will be without our 2nd car, he'll have to go to court, etc. It will be costly, I'm sure.

DH doesn't want the kids to know, but I think the teen (14 in a couple days) might figure it out on his own. I guess I agree to keep the information under wraps, but I feel uncomfortable being in the position to cover for my DH. He doesn't have a drinking problem or anything. He just didn't use good judgment and did something incredibly stupid. I feel awful.

How much would you tell a teen about something like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 4:00am
I tend to agree with most of the other comments.
There seems to be two issues when considering keeping this from the teens.
The first is your DH's understandable embarrassment surrounding this. The second seems to be the fear of "acting out" because dad made a mistake. e.g. Why can't I drink and drive if dad did. This concern, while understandable, is the result of flawed logic. Holding our children to a standard of conduct should not be diminished by our acting less than perfect. Do you really think your teenagers have thus far, not driven drunk because of the stellar example of his parents? lol... If only parents yielded that much power.
Your DH would do well to share his pain and embarrassment with his teenagers. They should see firsthand the cost and inconvenience this is going to toll. They also need to know DUI's can happen to normal upstanding hard working people at 0.08 BAL with no outward appearance of impaired judgment and not just sopping fall down drunks like some would believe.
Even if you wanted to, trying to hide this would be a disaster. Perhaps it would work if they were seven, but court dates and limited work driving permits are tough to hide from inquisitive teens whose radar is already up over the stress this undoubtedly caused. If they find out through the back door (and they WILL find out) their respect for your will slide a few notches.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 6:58am

<<>>

I couldn't disagree more. Not without alot more information. As Daddio mentioned, .08 can be a very slight amount of alcohol with no visible effects on many people.

I've had many friends/family get DWI's. I never dropped one because of it. Life happens, and not everybody that gets a DWI should have their wife and kid leave them.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 10:25am
Thank you - I wasn't sure how to exactly reply to that statement.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 10:50am

Do your mistakes involve the very real possibility of someone dying? Drinking and driving do. It is horribly immature and irresponsible behaviour, and I'd agree that anyone who does it obviously does have a problem.

And as for .08 being slight, a grown man, who's been able to drink since age 21, should have some idea of what will push him over the legal limit.

To the OP, I'd tell your son, but be prepared for anger and shock from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:21am
Interesting.
There is a huge spectrum of difference between taking this incident lightly, and packing your bags and leaving over it. Both seem tragic.
The OP chose to omit the morbid details, presumably because it has nothing to do with the question posed in the message header. The DH is embarrassed and remorseful and it appears this behavior is not standard operating procedure. Good enough for me. Why not keep to the topic? I think it is pointless to debate whether or not this man has a "problem."
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:36am

Haven't posted in awhile, but thought I might chime in on this one...

Having had several friends go through the "DUI process," I think it would be safe to assume that keeping a DUI "under wraps" probably won't work. I know in MI, a DUI means an automatic 90 day license restriction, if not a full-blown suspension. Furthermore, your DH will probably have to attend a couple classes on drinking awareness, and possibly be evaluated for possible drug/alcohol problems by a social worker. Such classes and appointments are generally scheduled on weekend days, so as not to interfere with the offender's work schedule. You might be able to keep the financial costs under wraps, but it's going to be pretty difficult to explain to your children why your DH can only drive to and from work for 3 months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:39am
I agree completely. A small woman, for the sake of arguement, could probably blow a .08 after simply having a margarita with her dinner.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:57am
This as an unfortunate embarassment for your husband. A DUI can devestate a family. The fines are outrageous, the attorney fees, DL issues, your insurance company will drop you like a hat, etc. Your son is going to know something is going on since dad will not be able to drive other than to and from work. If I were you I would not tell my son anything but would advise my husband to have a talk with him one on one. My son just got a DUI a few months ago. What they put you through you may as well have robbed the 7-11 on the corner. There is very little leniency and they could care less about hardships, family, etc. I am not in favor of intoxicated driving but truly you cannot even have two beers and drive home. Your husband when he talks to your son will undoubtedly use this as a lesson to be learned. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:33pm

I would tell your son or, as someone suggested, have DH tell him

It is likely he will find out or suspect

I sympathize. There was an advice column recently with a question by a woman in a man's field of work. She was moving up but worried her lack of drinking would at some point affect that because all the men did serious drinking at work functions and expected her to.

I think it is very common. And a lot of people at .08-1.0 or slightly above fly under the radar all the time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 1:42pm

My husband has gone through similar phases of "poor judgement" throughout his life. He was charged with a crime because he happened to be with a guy who bought some stuff with counterfeit money (my H was charged as an accessory). He forced us into bankruptcy because he lost money on two very poor business ventures. He had one affair of which I know of (and I suspect at least one other) which threw us into a very difficult few years of marital problems during which at one point we had almost decided to separate.

At no point did we consider involving the kids in the dilemma. I felt like they needed, at this stage in their lives, for their dad to be a role model and not a disappointment. It was bad enough he let me down but kids need to believe in something and if they can't believe in their dad, then how do they make it through all the crap they face during their formative years?

True, I may pay for this when I'm older. They may consider our holding back this information as some form of deception. But in my view it had NOTHING to do with his role as a dad or his responsibilities towards them as his children. He's been a poor husband but never a poor dad. Kids when they are young, though, can't really separate the issues ie how can someone be a good dad and a jerk at the same time. They don't understand how complex human nature can be.

So I think you just tell them your dad had an accident and can't drive for a while and that's enough. No need to go into sordid details about drunk driving.