How Much to Tell a Teen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
How Much to Tell a Teen
33
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:24am

I am completely stressed out today. My DH was at a work function last night and had a car wreck. It was considered a hit and run because the other car left the scene. Thankfully no people were hurt, but DH got a ticket for DUI. I am just sick about this. We will be without our 2nd car, he'll have to go to court, etc. It will be costly, I'm sure.

DH doesn't want the kids to know, but I think the teen (14 in a couple days) might figure it out on his own. I guess I agree to keep the information under wraps, but I feel uncomfortable being in the position to cover for my DH. He doesn't have a drinking problem or anything. He just didn't use good judgment and did something incredibly stupid. I feel awful.

How much would you tell a teen about something like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 5:33pm

The point is that if that women could get a .08 that easily she should not drink unless she is home or has someone else to drive her. The laws are there for a reason and a man that has a 14 year old son should know how much he can drink.

A mistake is one thing, but a mistake that could KILL someone else is different. I lost my best friend to a drunk drive with .08 who was driving down the wrong side of the highway. She was only 21 and was coming home from another friends house to study for finals.

She lost her life because someone else was stupid.

A grown man, who has children does not have the right to be that stupid. He got into an accident, and no matter whos fault it was this time next time he could kill himself or someone else.

A drunk parents is not a responsible one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:07pm
wow - way to traumatize the hell out of the kid. Kids deserve parents that work on issues and solve problems rather than just up and "quitting" the first time the spouse does something wrong. Better modelling would be for Dad to take responsibility and demonstrate what he is doing to fix the problem - joining AA if he truly has a drinking problem, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 8:53am
My guess, after reading your profile, is that you're 20-something years old. Another 15-20 years of life experience will likely teach you that sometimes really good people make really, really dumb mistakes, and maybe to judge people less harshly. My husband had a DUI almost 20 years ago, his one and only, and it has not made him less of a husband or less of a father. The world (and people)is not black and white, there are many, many shades of grey out there. I'm very sorry for what happened to your friend, it's a horrible tragedy. I've lost several friends over the years to alcohol related accidents too, but to brand everyone who gets a single DUI when they've had one or two drinks with the same mark as those who routinely get DUIs at .15 and above is a little harsh IMHO. A single mistake, even a really, really big one, does not make someone a horrible person, husband or father.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:19am

Have you ever used your cell phone while driving? I see people doing it every day, I've done it too.

It's a mistake that could cause an accident.

Have you ever changed your radio station while you were driving, or looked in your purse while driving, drifted over into the other lane? Drove when you were dog-a## tired? Yep, I've done them all.

It's a mistake that could cause an accident.

Where I live there's a new bypass, it's been up and working for over 6 months. There've been two big accidents since it opened. Just last month some idiot flew threw a stop sign on the bypass. That caused a big accident where a woman's truck was rolled and she was killed. It was an accident that should not have happened. The point of this is..... every time there is an accident there is always a possibility someone could get killed. Not every time, but there is always that possibility.

It's very understandable that you're upset and continue to be hurt by the loss you've suffered. Every single day you grieve for the person who was tragically taken from you. This man is being punished legally for the mistake he's made. Should everyone who's done any of the above lose their whole family over it? No. Life goes on. This time he was lucky, yes. This is probably a man who will not make the same mistake twice. You convince her to leave him and take his children away from him, and guess what will happen. He's already had one DUI from a error in judgement. Would you really want to push this man into possibly drinking heavy next time and REALLY KILLING SOMEONE????? I would hope not. It is understandable for you to be angry. Not every case should be taken to the extreme though.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:21am
Of course - I didn't think to read seriths profile.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 10:20am

My age has nothing to do with it. You just don't agree my point of view and will try and find a reason to dismiss it. The world is not black and white, I never said it was, but a grown man should not be making those types of mistakes.

I am done with this thread now. I have stated my opinion and I stand by it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 1:17pm

"My age has nothing to do with it. You just don't agree my point of view and will try and find a reason to dismiss it. The world is not black and white, I never said it was, but a grown man should not be making those types of mistakes."

Ummmm, I don't think I EVER said anything about your age. If I'm not mistaken, I think I pretty much told you I understood how you felt and why you felt the way you did. My point is this.... Have you NEVER MADE A MISTAKE???? You better pray that your family will be understanding when your time for a mistake is made. And, trust me, if you aren't the messiah to save the world, you'll be making one. You should really hope that others are forgiving if you aren't able to be. Because trust me, at the age of 40 I've made many mistakes, and I guarantee you I'm not done yet, no matter HOW hard I try.

Best wishes to your perfect life.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 4:26pm
Sorry, sallie, you weren't the one who mentioned serith's age, *I* was. And my point in doing so was, that at 20 something it's pretty easy to be "major mistake free" - but by the time one hits 40-something, just about all of us have made at least one whopper, and can maybe be a little more sympathetic of someone else who makes a mistake "that no adult should make." You made some great points in your last two posts, very much what I was thinking but much better said.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:13pm

I think DH eventually has to tell our oldest son. I'm not sure when it will be. I am fairly certain there will be driving restrictions and it will be obvious. The financial burden alone is going to be very hard to hide. DH's error is going to put a lot of stress on the marriage and family. That will be hard to hide too.

Though I won't take her advice, I understand the poster's feeling about what DH did. She has every right to be mad. She lost someone dear to her because of a stupid person. He WAS stupid, but I don't think I'll leave my DH over this. That doesn't resolve what he's done and it doesn't set a good example for my sons. I told him that I think we will need marriage counseling as a result, because I don't think I'm strong enough to get past this on my own right now.

Thanks all for your input. You pretty much confirmed what I had been thinking, but I didn't trust my instincts so much at the point that I made the OP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:16am

I have been following this thread the last few days and finally decided to quit lurking. I would tell your son, calmly and explain what happened. It was a mistake and from your post it almost sounds as though the accident wasn't even your husband's fault, but the person who did the hit and run. At 14 they are starting to feel independent and less like a child. DS will feel less left out if he is told and doesn't find out by hearing other people, or yourselves talk about it. He will sense something is going on and if not told may feel resentful and as though you are treating him like a baby. I know it is not the same thing, but when my mom had cancer I chose not to tell my children (13 & 15) at the time. They knew something was going on though, because I was tense and short with them, even though I thought I wasn't. They are more perceptive than we give them credit for.

As for the person who stated they would pack up and leave with the kids, I can understand from your experience with your friend how you would feel about drinking and driving. But what message does that send to your son...if you do something wrong I will not love you anymore or stand by you, I will desert you when you need me. I know from experience with my own ds (now 20), he makes mistakes, I don't agree with his choices sometimes, but I am always there for him and he knows it. He can call me in the middle of the night and I will help him, I won't agree sometimes, and I will let him know at a later date, but he can rely on me and this has made us closer. I think that is a more important message for your son to receive, that even though people make mistakes, you don't abandon them. Just my two cents.